Another one bites the dust....

I've been saying this to myself since the first month I wasn't pregnant and someone else announced they are expecting....
I should be happy, yes...instead. I just tell my husband "Another one bites the dust"
Well, that is what I would say in my head while I would cry and think how unfair life is. and gosh darn it, life is unfair....so what? That is why we complain.
The Mr and I were talking on a drive somewhere about what I am going to be like when I am pregnant and someone else announces they are expecting. will I drop my sisterhood bond with you lovely infertile ladies and go sour and join the popular club, I mean Mom's club... oh I hope not.
I don't know how I'll be, because I never thought I would be this angry at someone for something I can't have. Oh jealousy gets the best of us sometimes.
So I've decided not to hangout with friends (I'm still open on the blog about my hard times, but talking about it face to face to others is another thing)
It seems like every new friend or old friend I have, if I  started hanging out with them its no time at all before I get the big news.....They are expecting. So that leaves me and my hunny home most weekends because I refuse to make friends now, and I'm perfectly okay with that. I'll have time raising kids to have play dates and go to the park and make friends. (sorry ladies, I don't want to watch your belly grow week by week).
Well, Here's to another month....that I go infertile.

Shark week at the Richardson's

My sister gave us this idea, and my husband absolutely  loved it...

The dreaded week or more when I get very irritable and I start my period.
maybe because my husband feels a little like this...

 and well....it's going to be a bit different this month too....I'll be on crazy drugs (which by all means if I get pregnant with this treatment I'll be all for this stuff)
Wish us luck! and pray for Joe..haha

When we open our hearts and minds to others

I grateful for reminders from friends. Ones that live close and those that live far. I'm reminded in times of trial to pull out my journal and just start writing of all the wonderful blessings in my life.
Even if each of us did this they would all be different. None is better then the other, just different. All list would be the same important to that person. I'm sure with different trials in our lives we place that blessing at the top. I  will always be grateful for my country and those that serve for this country. so grateful!
Today I realized what is happening to me. I am changing completely as a person. not worst and not better, just maybe older.

Husbands know how to deal with us best

With every couple that struggles with infertility, I'm sure we can all say our husbands have really seen us in our true colors.
This was the day I noticed it, and well I'm still in denial that I over reacted (I'm not even medicated yet, oh help me now) but when I was reading Elise's comment about how I can seem positive in person and on the phone but when she reads my blog it reminds her of her days.
I do try to be more open with telling people, I've always been a more open person but I feel like when I write I am able to not feel like a crazy person in the grocery store screaming at her husband (oops, that happened today)
Kudos to all the husbands out there that have to make his clomid wife happy while everyone else is popping out kids. Even thought we have been living with my family for the past few months....they have not seen the depressed aubrey that joe has. So, what happened today....
First of all, I married my  husband for a reason (we are great together, I kid around that he is so much like one of my best friends in guy version) He loves to be sarcastic (he has cut down on that since he realized how sensitive I can be), He jokes around, loves to be positive about everything (this was hard when I didn't believe we could have kids and he did...I would get so angry at him and tell him he isn't God and doesn't know everything).
Well, at the grocery store today with my mom and sis, getting more prenatal and he looks at a organic baby oneise and we start commenting on it.  Then out of no where he says just  a few feet away " You should get on that and make one of those!"  oh I've never been so pissed at him! Out of all people he should know what WE are going through! Well, a few hours later and we patched things up.
until the next blow up.... remember to give your hunny a hug because he is sticking it through...all your true colors. 

I'm not going to lie...

Today just sucked!
I sit here and want to complain about my horrible inferitility day when all I can think about is my dear friend Ani, and her sweet little girl Ruby Jane. Ruby is up at UCLA hospital waiting for a liver donor. She is only 8 months old and today she is fighting for her life. Please pray for the family and pray for the soon to be donor family. I know Ruby is doing all she can to be with us.
xoxo Rubes
www.aniandmatttaylor.blogspot.come for more detail....and while you are there, make sure to sign up to be a donor! 




I had to have an emotional break down first at the hospital, then in the car, at home and later on a walk. I think I have gotten out all my tears and I'm ready to move on. If anything little Ruby is giving me strength to never give up. This time here on earth is precious.

Reminders

I want you to know I'm still blogging about what is going on, but won't be posted until 3 months later...(for privacy reason)

I noticed today whenever I come to my blog to post, I re-read my 2 quotes on my heading and they remind me that this shouldn't be easy, I'm not making this into a bigger deal...and sometimes when I think no one still cares, I remind myself that this blog is to one day have and maybe share with my children of the struggle I have gone through to have them in my life. I want them so bad it hurts sometimes.
I have really felt my depression ease as I grow more spiritually. It's been a long time feeling bad, but I had a sting tonight. It reminded me that it still hurts that I can't have kids on our own.
but, with all that said....I feel like I will have a different outlook raising my kids....I hope I have more patience because I'll remember the hurt and loneliness I had when they weren't around and I wanted them so bad. I hope that I will wait longer then usual to raise my voice or ground them, but I have never felt such a urge for so long (going on 20 months now) to have them in my life.

Good things are around the corner, I know that. They have to be just out of my reach to push me. This is my trial in life and I have come to accept that.  I'm still learning how to talk to people about it, or not break down and cry in public, but I have felt the love from so many I have shared my hurt with. People are really caring and I know this is getting me through this hard time.