No more sour Aubrey

I have given up with complaining. My life is my life and no two people have the same life. While I wish some things in my life were different, I'm sure you could say the same thing.
Yes, we all have good days and bad one, sometime in our life we will go through such a trial that will test all of us. It will take every prayer, every moment to not give up and throw our life away. So what I'm struggling with having kids. My life will turn out how I decide. I know that, now figuring out what I want in life during this time I'm not a stay at home mom will be my next challenge, but I'm done complaining. I still may bottle up inside my green envy to every pregnant friend or friend with kids... I'm sorry. Just give me time to adjust more to this jealously and envy.
I love you all!

Coach purse? Big house ? Nice cars?

It doesn't mean a thing to me anymore. I have grown up with more then what I really needed. I had a very blessed life. When I got married I had a hard adjustment to a new simpler life style. Then I realized one day, I can work for my nice things.
I don't know when this happened but it did. I realized that with wanting these things in life I would never fill that emptyness of not being pregnant or having kids to teach and raise. I write often in my written journal about how I would give it all up just to the the opportunity to have a family.( we still are in the unknown if we can or can't have our own kids). I think my life has been forever change because of this. Women that have had children don't love their children less at all then me. I just don't need anything anymore.

My 3 wishes

My husband and I had a real good heat to heart at midnight in our car tonight. I can't explain it all right now but he was trying to help calm me down. He said what are the 3 things you really wish for right now, and I just want to share wish #1 with you because most people that go through inferitlity feel this was and no one knows.
1. I wish I could feel like my old self again.
I am such a sad, bitter, angry, hateful, broken person inside. The only people that see this side of me is my husband and good friend who are going this same but different infertility struggles. I hate that I really to hate others that are pregnant. Mostly I can't be around them because I am so emotional about not being pregnant that I avoid the situation at all coat. Joe and I hate it when another pregnancy is announce on facebook, heck I'm so depress sometimes that I hate it when anyone announce any time of pregnancy.
I hate myself the most for having these emotions and I feel like I need to see a good shrink for all my hatred. It's not good for me and not good for my body.
Why do some people have to get pregnant with no trouble at all and why do some struggle for years and years?
I don't know
But I am learning a lot about others feelings.
I feel more compassion for those that go through trial. For anyone reading this, please know this blog is my vent. It's part of what calms me down and helps me be the kind of person I can be again when I write this all down and try to move on day by day. Also for anyone that comes across this struggling with infertility problems or just a darn hard trial in life, it's okay to struggle and voice about it.

Over heard conversation

I do that a lot because of my job setting. And the number one topic in the salon now is babies. With one stylist just had a baby last summer and one is due this October, and then theirs Aubrey that can't have any that have wanted so many since I was 5 (probably because my sister was born and I feel into mommies helper). I just get so frustrated that I have to be trapped in this setting.  I hesitate to go to a salon when we move just to be torched again. When we get back we will start more testing. I wish we could skip to adoption already but for one you have to have infertility test done before starting the adoption process. Well, that's my venting for the day.

so much hope, my heart can burst

Every month I have this feeling,
if I pray harder, cry more, hope more....then maybe I'll be pregnant.
Although I will never stop doing those things that can't actually make my wish come true.
Sometimes I put all my hope into one day
and then I get disappointed. In the end, I have so much to be grateful full.
During this Easter time, I will spend more time being grateful for the knowledge I have of living again with God and for sure I will have children then!!!
Can't wait for Eternity!

A hard night

Have you ever cried so hard that you can't breath
you take a deep breath and gasp for air.

I'm feeling that pain all over right now. I can't talk to anyone I  just want to cry it all out. My husband is out of town for the weekend so I'm hoping my dog can take care of me during this hard time.
I called my mom because I found out another family member is pregnant. She was trying to help saying I will be happy for her, but I know I can't.
I feel bad, but I have this huge trial I am going through.
My whole life all I have wanted to do is be a mom.  I still remember my kindergarten teacher told me I can't just be a mom, and was mad that was all I wanted to do. "get married, have 7 kids and live in Irvine, CA (the only city I knew of).
I felt like I've had patience. I got my schooling done, I went on a mission, I got married and now we can't have kids?? (or at least have not had the opportunity in the last 15 months)
I am heart broken for the moment, I know this feeling can't last.
For the time being we have stopped all test because we are moving and I don't want to start up everything with the clinic out here and not be able to continue in CA.
All I can do is focus on life ahead, and pray that someday soon I will be a mom.

This will not be the last trial I will go through here, but right now it's the hardest one and it's killing me inside. It's breaking me down.

Dreams

I don't have dreams often, or at least I don't remember them.
Last night though, I had a dream that I was pregnant. I just remember smiling and rubbing my tummy.
Good dream like that make me keep pushing forward. Knowing that one day I'll be a mom, either through the natural way or others...this dream makes it real that I don't have to be so depressed.