I want you to know I'm still blogging about what is going on, but won't be posted until 3 months later...(for privacy reason)
I noticed today whenever I come to my blog to post, I re-read my 2 quotes on my heading and they remind me that this shouldn't be easy, I'm not making this into a bigger deal...and sometimes when I think no one still cares, I remind myself that this blog is to one day have and maybe share with my children of the struggle I have gone through to have them in my life. I want them so bad it hurts sometimes.
I have really felt my depression ease as I grow more spiritually. It's been a long time feeling bad, but I had a sting tonight. It reminded me that it still hurts that I can't have kids on our own.
but, with all that said....I feel like I will have a different outlook raising my kids....I hope I have more patience because I'll remember the hurt and loneliness I had when they weren't around and I wanted them so bad. I hope that I will wait longer then usual to raise my voice or ground them, but I have never felt such a urge for so long (going on 20 months now) to have them in my life.
Good things are around the corner, I know that. They have to be just out of my reach to push me. This is my trial in life and I have come to accept that. I'm still learning how to talk to people about it, or not break down and cry in public, but I have felt the love from so many I have shared my hurt with. People are really caring and I know this is getting me through this hard time.
2 comments:
I feel horrible for always asking about your progress of having a child, I never really understood how extremely hard and long the two of you have been trying and I know how strong your desire is to have children. I love you Aubs and will keep you both in my prayers!
You are good at hiding your pain! Every time I talk to you in person or on the phone you seem so upbeat and positive. I am glad you have a blog to express how you are feeling. I didn't really do that - I was like you though, in public I had it "all together" and then I'd unleash everything with Ryan. So I think people thought I wasn't really struggling with it, but I really was. It's easier for me to be open about it after-the-fact than it was during it. I think you might be surprised someday how many people you helped by blogging like this. When I started opening up about our infertility (when we were already doing in vitro), a couple of people I've known for years and years opened up to me about their infertility, and they hadn't really talked to anyone about it before. So, I think by being open, you give others permission to be open. And that is healing in itself.
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