it's everywhere...

Infertility women are everywhere and you don't see it.
Since announcing my pregnancy I have gotten many emails from people I knew 7 years ago to recent that I had no idea where going through this and reading my blog to understand that it's normal to have these feelings, that we aren't alone. I have been very touched and want to keep connecting people for support.
One website I loved visiting

Fertile Thoughts

it's a forum board for women with any issue:
infertility
adoption
pregnancy

high risk pregnancy, bed rest pregnancy, pregnancy after miscarriage or loss.
pregnancy after IVF, IUI, over age of 35.

A great reminder from a friend

I was reading my friends blog today, one I have shared many many times about baby Ruby and her family.  She really reminded me that it is the destination that matters.

Journey....I feel like I have used that word so much during these past 2 years. I am in no way saying my situation is like Ani's but she help me to understand how I can heal in moving on with being

pregnant after infertility.

That is where my hurt comes from. I have changed, I have suffered....I am not the person I planed to be or in the place I planed for 3 years ago when I was getting ready to marry Joe.
I'm sure most of you have already come to realized this....
we plan for the best and think "that will never happen to me" We try to make our journey a yellow brick road full of joyful days that are so amazing.

My friend talks about losing her baby and feeling like everyone around should knowledge her lost, know what to say and how to say it.
When I read this I thought to myself (beside my heart breaking for her still), that is what I've been feeling inside. Now that people are finding out that I am pregnant I am going out of my way to make sure this hasn't been easy for me or that I had to do fertility treatments (which by the way....sooo grateful for)

I loved when she says that road doesn't exist! It hit me like a ton of bricks! I need to get over this in due time and change myself, my perspective. I can not continues going on still hating other when they announce they are expecting. I will drive myself to misery and loneliness.

She has reminded me....we can't plan for the journey, we must focus on where we want to end up, our destination. One of my favorite EFY themes was Joy in the Journey. That can still apply as I am now learning to have joy in this time and the time before. I can not have Joy if I lose sight of my end.

To continue following her blog go to here.
Also, In memory of Ruby on her birthday they are doing a run in RSM, CA
signing up and showing support!
Click here for her foundation and more information.

It's a gummy bear!

written on Oct. 25, 2011

I had my weekly blood work and ultrasound again yesterday. Joe wasn't able to come with me so I invited my mom. Being a first time grandma and having only had 1 ultrasound during her 4 pregnancies I knew she would be amazed at the technology. I got ready for Dr. A to come in and right away we found the baby and saw the heart beating again. This time the arms and legs are growing and it had the shape of a baby/ant/gummy bear. It was just a miracle to see him/her grow!!!
p.s. I'm still feeling great!

2nd and 3rd Ultrasound

Can I just say things getting better and better every week.
During my first trimester I have to still see Dr. A with weekly ultrasounds and blood work.

The 2nd ultrasound was great! We got to compare our picture from the last week.
The 3rd was surreal! It was the 7th week and we were able to see the heartbeat. The little black dot turned into a real baby to me. I could see the heartbeat. It was just amazing. I just wanted to cry and cry but didn't. I felt it inside me. beaming. I was the luckiest girl in the world world.
This amazing man that I married almost 3 years ago is so excited to be a dad and I could not be more excited to start our family!!!

4th and 5th beta and 1st ultrasound

written on Oct. 7, 2011

Last week my parents and husband and I drove up to Utah for my dad's business award dinner night and General Conference. We had to drive because I'm still consider high risk pregnancy and can not fly during my 1st trimester. (nor can a do a lot of other things normal pregnancy can like EXERCISE :(  )but I am more then happy to sit these things out for a month or two more.
I was able to set up blood work for 2 days we were up there like my dr. wanted. He made sure that my numbers were going up as planned and hoped.
Thurs. morning my numbers jumped from 73 to 168! Then saturday morning to 341!! I was beyond excited  and starting looking forward to my 1st ultrasound on Tuesday.
I still was feeling fantastic, no morning sickness or nausea feeling.
We knew that it could still be to early in the pregnancy to see something, but talking with my dr right before he assured me that if something was in there he would find it.
knowing we are pregnant is one thing, but seeing it on the ultrasound was so real, and I hear it just keeps getting better every week.
Now I'm back to my once a week blood work and ultrasound with my RE (not every 2 days).  I can't say enough how blessed we feel to be able to have this amazing baby.
Right before we left the Dr. office Joe asked Dr. A how common it was for the IUI to result in pregnancy the first time and he just stared back and point blank said, " common? not at all"
with that said I am just in awe of our baby, as any soon to be parent should be!

3rd Beta

Written : Sept. 27, 2011

I am feeling great! So good that I have decided to go up to Utah this weekend with my side of the Family for Conference. So my beta numbers today more then doubled.....
My HCG is now at 73!!
I'm just so happy it is doubling and hoping this doesn't turn at any point. My nurse today was very concern I was going to be far and if something does happen to me. I just can't get to that point because I have had gut feelings all along that I listen to. I knew before I was pregnant that I was, I knew (even though scared half to death) that my numbers were going to double. I know that I will have an ultra sound the morning after I get home and by then I should be able to see something in my uterus ( or at least Dr. Anderson will know what to look for). I feel confident that we are going to have this child and carry this baby full term.
With that said, tonight is my first night having my husband give me my shot of progesterone. All my IVF friends out there understand this because with IVF it's standard. I'm just glad they are doing everything they can to monitor me. I have been there for 4 out of 5 days and know they are making sure this baby grows. It also helps that my high school friend works there and tell the nurse to make sure I am doing good. for instant, when I first started the progesterone vaginal inserts you are suppose to lay down for 10-15 mins after to help and not leak out so much, well my friend told the nurse to tell me 30mins, and well I ended up laying there every time for 1  1/2 hours or 2, just to make sure!!!! well it did the trick, I didn't have any leak out!

progesterone injections

Written on : Sep. 26, 2011

With the call yesterday about my beta (HCG) numbers going up but not my progesterone they were a bit worried. So my husband and I went in today to learn how to do the shots.
Progesterone comes in 4 different ways

1. Oral pills- you take them daily and boast your progesterone. although you have more side effects and it has to go through your liver and may cause damage. its the least affective. 
2. Gel- you have something that you fill up with progesterone gel and place it in like a tampon and "shoot" the gel up there.
3. vaginal supplements- this reminds me a lot like yeast infections. You put a pill capsule and "shoot" it up. this isn't seen in the blood work often.
4. Oil base- Progesterone comes in a oil form that you put in a needle and have to shoot it in your lower back/upper butt muscle.
   

2nd Beta

Written on Sep. 25, 2011

Since Friday I have been giving myself progesterone pills, not orally but vaginally. I've been hoping this works. I just got my call about my my blood work from this morning.
The best news in the world:
my HCG levels almost doubled!!! they went from 18 to 32!!! I don't care about the number anymore as long as it's getting higher!
The hard news is my progesterone is the same and I can not continue to carry this baby if my progesterone doesn't get higher too.
So, tomorrow they are switching me to the oil base. I have to go and learn how to give myself a shot and hope that gets my progesterone up. This baby is a fighter! We are learning this all and this new world seems so foreign to me, but I am beyond thrilled to be here, lying in bed. I was told to take it easy so I thought bed rest was the best way to do so.

Beta prison

written on Sep. 26, 2011

So yesterday was exciting, but after a few hours looking online I just got so depressed. No one ever said they had as low of a number as mine. Everyone was well into the hundreds. The worst I saw was 57, ya not to great, but compared to my 18...I look pathetic. It was hard to stay positive. At the same time I read that with only 1 beta (blood test) you can not compare because you don't know what your numbers are doing and as long as they are going up you are good. So now I just have to wait until tomorrow and pray that they go up, hopefully double but at least go up. Anything lower then they expect a miscarriage soon. so scary, and can't sleep. I feel like I am in prison with my beta numbers.

When they do a blood test usually they hope to see over 12, they considered that pregnant.  Usually if the number is on the low side you are most likely going to miscarry or beat the odds.
For this reason alone, I did not get excited at all. I was going to wait until I saw an ultrasound to know and believe that I am pregnant.

The call...

Written on : Sep. 23, 2011

I have been waiting for the nurse to call all day.
My husband and mom did everything they could to keep me busy. The best thing was all the fall TV shows started up again this week and we watched a few up and coming shows.
When my phone finally rang I ran away into the office to get the news.
Deep in my gut I knew I was pregnant, but I had gotten a neg test this morning so I was so confused!
I answered my phone and my friend from high school who works at the office called first to tell me slowly, you are pregnant, BUT your numbers are on the low side so they want to do more.
I tried to take a deep breath and realized what I was feeling was right, but that I still had to overcome some things in my way.
When the nurse called me she told me the same thing and set me up for another blood work on Sunday in 2 days and wanted me to come over to get my vaginal pills for progesterone.
So 1st time IUI with clomid and HCG shot it is a positive!
We are Expecting!!!!!

pins and needles...

Written on : Sept. 23, 2011

I need to hurry and write down my feelings before the nurse calls to give me news...

I haven't slept well this whole week. Usually up around 5 or 6 and back to sleep at 7 to 9. It's been hard having feelings down there and not knowing if my period was going to start any second. I've been happy and confident that this worked this time and then I've been so low and scared that I'm still going on with treatments. All in all my family and friends are the ones that got to me today (Friday) my blood test! Everything keeps going over in my head, with all the signs I have to be pregnant, but what if I'm not...can I really fool my brain that much to think I am. (That wouldn't surprise me)
I'm trying to figure out who I need to tell and who I need to lie to. I've been so open about my infertility treatments that I never thought what I need to do when I do get pregnant. I have always been sure in waiting until I'm out of the 1st trimester to announce my pregnancy (especially with all the drugs and test I've been through you never know what your body will do).

2WW

written on : Sep. 20, 2011

Anyone who has every tried to get pregnant and wait to take an at home pregnancy test knows about the
2 Week Wait
Their is nothing you can do now but wait...and see.
It's a hard time. For the past 20 months I have been very anxious during this 2WW, luckily I wasn't until the last week, just days away from finding out.
I started feeling some symptoms
These symptoms are just alike to your period symptoms, so it throws you off every time. Of course one this has been different this time.
Implantation bleeding
Justmommies.com says this: 
After ovulation the egg travels into the uterus and burrows into the lining of the uterus. For some women implantation will cause slight bleeding or spotting. This is called implantation bleeding. This is sometimes confused for an early period.
So far I have not had an early period and we are calling it implatation bleeding!!!
This is great news. I understand Miscarriages can still happen at any given time so I can't be to excited, and I haven't had my dr. confirm the pregnancy, but golly guys things are looking good right now and I'm beaming on the inside.
Just a few more days and we will know!

Whoo hoo- good blood levels

Written on Sept. 16, 2011

So I went into the Dr. this morning to get my blood drawn and see how my progesterone levels are. If they are low I have to go on more meds, but that won't be the case because they called and told me the great news!!
They hope your levels are above 10 at this time and mine are 22!!! That calls for a celebration. Out to dinner with friends we go!

My 1st IUI

written on September 10, 2011

It's been a few days....so let me take you back to my first dr. app after taking clomid.

It was Wednesday morning and my husband and I went in to see my RE and do an ultrasound to see how many eggs we were getting. He very quickly showed us 1 big mature one ready for ovulation, 2 medium ones and a small one. He wanted to wait 1 more day to see if the medium ones get any bigger.
So we came back the next morning (Thursday) and did the ultra sound right away and found out I had ovulated and the big one had dropped. I was scared at first because I didn't know if we could still do the IUI. but my good, highly skilled (20 years under his belt)  Dr. said we were fine.
He did want to do the IUI today to see if we can fertilize that first egg. The nurse gave me the HCG shot in my hip to help me ovulate again within the next 36 hours. Then we made my husband give up his guys.
Everything seemed like a pap smear. and they took the swimmers and washed them and put them in a needle with a catheter to place all the way up inside my uterus! We got 17  1/2 MILLION swimmers  (this is a huge shocker...normal intercourse can get you a few hundered up to the uterus, but the IUI can place millions in the uterus.  They hope to get 10-20 million, so with 17 million we were looking good!)

It took a bit longer because I have a "high maintenance cervix" unless you spent a good 10-20 mins. looking for it, you can't find it. Plus I have some curve balls in there. (could be our reason for infertility...we are still known as unexplained infertility)
So we went home and rested the rest of the day.
Here's the funny story,
because of my high maintenance cervix I was very tense for a long time and cause some of my muscles to stay tight the whole time (my left butt cheek) I did not realized this until we were at home and I was in pain every time I stood up, walked around or sat on my butt. My husband even tried to rub it out, but I laid there kicking and screaming and laughing out loud because of the pain. I could not walk without feeling the burning of the butt. and even into the next day.

Then came a black out at 3:30pm....all of So. CA lost power for a while. It wasn't until 11:30 pm that they came back on.
But because of the power outage we had to switch our location! Luckily our Dr. is awesome and has 2 locations! 1- in Newport Beach and 2- Mission Viejo (ours)  So our appt. got moved up to 7:45 with a 40 min. morning commute with the Mr.'s swimmers!
oh the morning just made us laugh.
Friday morning-
The office was pack because they had to double book everyone and deal with multiple dr's in one location.
The husband gave them his guys to get all cleaned up and we had about 13 million this time.
We did the ultrasound and saw that the medium ones dropped and the small one became bigger! great news!
So we got ready for an 2nd IUI.
 This time I tried to stay relax as the very nice nurse told me that I am one only patient with a cervix so hard to find. (lovely) I did warn her about my high maintenance cervix .
We went home and did some more resting to hopefully give these babies a chance to make it.
All in all....this was a great 1st treatment and I have been so happy with my Dr.

well the rest of the week on clomid

written on Aug. 4, 2011

It wasn't that bad.
Well, that is until my friend who has doing the same thing told me the first month you don't get many of the side effects. Darn, I though I missed out on that beauty.
I'm still holding out that I don't have morning sickness like my mom. But, you never know what cards you are dealt with!
I have to say this first month on clomid I had to deal with a lot of hot flashes and a few headaches here and there. Now, I sit and wait until the next ultrasound.
I've been very blessed to have a friend going through the same process day by day with me and a few friends that have been to my dr and know what he'll want to do next.
So I'm always nervous what is next and what I need to get done. Theirs only so much you can do and then wait and do a little more then wait...and wait.
Just like I have my friends to turn to and ask a million questions, I want those that find themselves in this journey to not feel alone. feel free to always email me no matter how far ago I started with my fertility dr.

CD-4 Clomid brings.....

Written on: Aug 31, 2011

Hot Flashes!
I have to say I am feeling pretty good (knock on wood!). You can read and hear all kinds of crazy things on google. I'm the worst because if I have a question I Google it and guess what? others have the same questions and some answers are good, some are funny to read and some are just a foreign language.
Wait, as I type I am getting a good ol hot flash. My whole body feels hot and I sweat on my back and somach but cool down sooner after. It's the weirdest thing. oh well...I don't mind them.
I don't know if first month on clomid you are actually really happy just because you are taking some good drugs that will hopefully give you babies or I'm just happy?
Let see what day 3 will bring

Clomid, the drug of our choice

Written: Aug 30, 2011

I feel like all I do is read up on IUI, and IVF and any infertility stuff I can get my hands on, and still with everything I read I have no clue what is going on.
I am so grateful for a close friend who is going through the exact same treatments as me at the exact day, just for her #th time. She has been  my go to nurse I call with all my questions. She has been there and is still there and we are each others' cheerleaders.
So, I started Clomid for the first time every last night. I was surprised because when I first saw my RE he said we would start on 50mg a day for 5 days, but then yesterday he said we were going to do 100mg! I was excited we are trying our hardest on the first round. I took it at night, because my good friend told me to, it can make you sleepy. I was working this morning and felt fine. It wasn't until lunch time I got a bad headache and felt nausea, and to make it worst I was out quilt shopping with my mom and her friends far away from home. After just trying to think about breathing and not throwing up in front of everyone I started to feel better, whoo that's just day 1 with this stuff. Bring on the hot flashes!

HSG test

Written on: Aug 10, 2011

Man, today was a very hard day.
When we went to see Dr. Anderson last time we wanted to schedule the IUI as soon as possible. I first had to finish a few test.
Lab work here
Sperm  there
and HSG test.
Then I thought we would move on to IUI and everything would be just fine.
I had no worries about the test.
I talked to a dear friend of mine more about it and she told me not to worry, that it would just stress me out more (so glad I listened to her).
I made sure Joe got me there in plenty time. I was just anxious to get this over with. When they called my name I went in the back, they told me where to undress and what to put on. I walked into a big room after and it had 1 bed in the middle of this big room. A few machines were around that looked so expensive I couldn't imagine the millions of dollars it cost. As I laid on the bed, I noticed the ceiling had two missing lights and they were replaced with a beautiful palm tree with blue blue skies.
I thought perfect, I will just imagine Joe and I on a beach and enjoying a vacation. The nursed explained everything to me, then a hospital dr came in and did the same thing in more detail. (by this time I was getting a bit cold and ready to get this over with)
Just like a pap, just like a pap....I kept telling myself that.
Then things got uncomfortable then I thought I have to convince myself that this is all for my babies...think about how bad I want a family and to be a mom and make Joe so proud. This will all pay off because it is getting me the help I need.
I then remembered my friend telling me "it's quick, no time at all"
this wasn't going so quick. I just tried to keep my mind focus and do anything the dr needed me to.
After 20mins or so I could hear him mumble under his breath "so this could be the problem"
I knew right then, I have my answer I have been waiting for.
and now, I don't want it.
The dr took everything out and explained he could not do the procedure. I had some sort of blockage. I remember feeling shocked. I asked him if he would try some more. I just wanted this to work so bad. He kindly explained to me that is what he has been doing and nothing is working. He then told me this is what he does everyday, he would then make notes and send the images to my specialist. Then he walked out of the room and the nurse helped me to the bathroom to change.
I took my time and cried.
I changed and she insisted walking me back to the waiting room to meet with Joe. The room was packed by now and he was reading his book. I tapped him on the shoulder then booked it out the door. Just a few steps outside the hospital I started bawling. Trying to just tell Joe what happened to me. It's my fault....we have our answer...our plan isn't going to work anymore and we need a back up.
I spent the rest of the afternoon in bed, googling, crying, sleeping and frustrated.
my eyes are spent and my head is lacking air.
This hasn't been a good day at all.

HSG

Written on : Aug. 9, 2011

Well, tomorrow (aug, 9) I'm having the HSG. Although this is not part of our official infertility part this is a work up to see whats going on up in me. I will have dye go up in me and x-rays taken to see how open things are going. It's a pretty quick procedure I hear, but a bit painful. I've had to take antibiotics for the past 2 days and continue after, and some pain meds tomorrow before I go in.
I'm not worried about it at all, but I did start thinking of what happens if they fine something they aren't suppose to. (all the test I've had done so far have come back fine, nothing wrong) what if now?

Blood work time

Written on : Aug. 26, 2011


1st step in our progress is blood work. Going in I didn't think I like getting my blood work, maybe its our situation, but I actually didn't mind at all. I even watched the guy take the tubes out and fill up another. He had about 5 tubes to fill up with my blood. I could see the blood pumping out and although I always thought I hated the sight of blood I was happy to be getting my blood work.

1st visit with Dr. A

Written on Aug. 20, 2011

About a week ago I decided I was going to take a jump and see a infertility specialist. I had a friend recommend one of the best in the area and decided I wanted to make that happen.

Joe has been very supportive of me and doing whatever needs to be done to get our family. We have been so blessed to not have one single student loan (due to baseball scholarship) so we thought it won't hurt to not let the money issue scare us away. This is what we came here for, to have eternal families.

We were so lucky to get an appointment a week later, that is just unheard of in any medical field, so I believe it was fate.
For some reason the night before I woke up at 1:45am and had the worst cramps. I couldn't sleep, I was in pain and I didn't know why (this was in between my cycle, not implanting cramps or anything else I have read up on) after a few hours later and some bathroom trips with a mix up dry-heaving. I was able to get some sleep!
I was so exhausted when I woke up I wasn't even sure if I should go see dr. A.

As the day went on, I got more and more anxious to start this. I got all the paper work together, made even a binder. With all my past medical records and notes and my list of my cycles. I was ready.

Joe and I both said how nervous we were when we got off the elevator. It was the unknown to us. All the Dr. before him have just told me to go home and try again.

It was such a nice office with no one else rushing around. I felt such a piece and was so impressed that he took the whole hour with us. Talked to us, explained everything to us. We decided to start our plan. It was a sense of relief when we left.

I  had a feeling coming over me that someday when I leave these doors I'll have a baby in my arms, and I am so grateful for that hope and reassurance.

In a slump

Hey friends,
Things have been crazy around here. I can not tell you how emotional draining this month has been for me. I'm still undergoing fertility treatments and doing the best I can.
It's a raining day here in CA and I feel like I'm not doing the best that I can. I still hear pregnancy announcements and even though I have worked so hard to feel so happy for these friends I can't help but feel so alone again. Inferitlity Sucks!
love,
Raining day aubrey

sending love to all who are struggling

Recently I have been on fertility message boards. Getting to know others personal self without knowning who these people really are. This is a undergrounds friendship. I have created some of the best bonds with people I won't have otherwise. Old best friends have reconnect through similar situations. I'm so grateful for my support team that is going through or as been through what I have. It can be a long dark road for some and little comfort is out there in the "real word" of have sex and you'll get pregnant.
Tonight I think about my friends who have struggled in anyway (which is all of us) and how our trials have impacted our life.  I'm so very sorry for any trial you have to go through and want to take them away sometimes, but then again for those that I have talked to who are almost or out of that trial....you are incredible.
Life was not made to be easy, but you sure made hard look good.

new meaning

I just found out this weekend
it's not called selfishness
it's simply self- conservation

He knows me

I have been pondering to share more on this though or to keep it very private, but what is that going to do for me. I've already learned it, more importantly I felt it and know it.

Their will come a time in your life when you are going through some sort of difficulty and as normal you feel lost and confused. Many times asking why? or whats next?
When it gets so dark and we are so stubborn to turn towards the Lord we seek elsewhere. We can feel like our Lord and Savior are no longer cheering for us to succeed in life but have just completely forgotten about us. Our emotions are like a yo-yo. Sometimes we are fine and sometimes we want to crawl into a dark hole for the winter and not come out for a good year. Sometimes we give up on ourselves.

This is where we are wrong.

I was in tears crying when a dear friend of mine who I grew up with told me a few weeks ago about a feeling she had.
We had not talked to each other in years, but still we close. When she came into town and we went out to catch up, I opened up about my fertility issues. She and I sat and cried as she told me a story that happened to hear a month or 2 before our meeting up.  She was pondering who she could add to her prayers, not knowing why she said my name came so clear to her. She didn't doubt for a second why? but did as she felt prompted and prayed for me for quite some time. It was a tender mercy, this dear friend who I had not spoken to was my angel. The Lord knew I needed prayers and because my friend was in the right place (the temple, at the right time (when I needed help) she was ready to be my angel. She was very aware that I needed to know this and needed to know whatever I was going through Heavenly Father is right here and is aware of every prayer. I know he hears me...when I'm crying in my sleep, he hears me.

Tonight as I listened from a witness of Jesus Christ, in his talked he made it known many times that the Lord knows what we are struggling with and wants us to show him we know and remember the commandments. It was another Tender Mercy in my life. He may not ease or take away my burdens and trials but he will carry me through them.

going back to the basics

Tonight we had a wonderful church meeting, with a wonderful General Authority. It was tonight I realized my change in life. I wondered how a person can change multiple times in 20 months, but I have.  I was reminded of a great primary story...
The wise and foolish man-
We learned in the song that both of these men built houses.
The foolish man built his on the sand
The wise man built his on the rock
and then the rains came down (hurricanes)

It hit me like a ton of bricks....
we will ALL go through one or many trials in our life. Those times you just want to yell....Life Sucks!
But we must remember where we have built our life...on God and Christ.
or the foolishness of the world.
When things get hard do we cry and run away and hate life? (well maybe for a little bit to grieve)
or do we take this time to come closer to the Lord and figure out what he wants for our life?

It's hard to put these thoughts into words, but it again reminded me when I was so angery with life and when I felt like giving up, but decided to give up to the Lord first and see what he can make me. Well, I'm far from being at the end, but I must say I hope I have learned one thing..
to be more sensitive to others, understanding of trials and hardships.

I could not go through these treatments without knowing that I have a very close relationship with my Savior and Heavenly Father.

pampers...

I hope you have seen this. It just makes my heart melt!

Thanks Pampers....you have my vote just because you are helping everyone understand that their isn't just one way to be a parent!

A new day, a new attitude

I woke up by myself this morning. I just needed a night to cry it all out.
Here's what I came up with. This is my time I need to be selfish. I don't need to worry about what is happening with everyone else right now. I'm in a good place and need to stay that way for treatments to work with me. I'm excited where Joe and I are at with our Dr. I can't let silly pregnancies make me go crazy.
So for now my friends, I'm being very selfish....and that is how I'll cope with hard times.
and thanks for the comments of love and support I really do look forward to your inspiring words. and thanks for uplifting words through texts even though you know this sucks and what to say it too. You bring me back down to life and closer to God.
THANK YOU!

it hurts

Gosh, why can't it be me? I feel so numb.
I don't know how of you still do this...year after year and test after test. (infertile friends)
My treatments have just begun and I can't handle another pregnancy announcement.
I literally tears me up and I have to leave and take a drive to calm down.
This is when I realized I have come to that point, I need professional help in my mental state.
So, I'm looking into great support groups on 
http://resolve.org/
and
LDS Family Services

breath in,
breath out
breath in
breath out
gotta get some rest for tomorrow, night.

Another one bites the dust....

I've been saying this to myself since the first month I wasn't pregnant and someone else announced they are expecting....
I should be happy, yes...instead. I just tell my husband "Another one bites the dust"
Well, that is what I would say in my head while I would cry and think how unfair life is. and gosh darn it, life is unfair....so what? That is why we complain.
The Mr and I were talking on a drive somewhere about what I am going to be like when I am pregnant and someone else announces they are expecting. will I drop my sisterhood bond with you lovely infertile ladies and go sour and join the popular club, I mean Mom's club... oh I hope not.
I don't know how I'll be, because I never thought I would be this angry at someone for something I can't have. Oh jealousy gets the best of us sometimes.
So I've decided not to hangout with friends (I'm still open on the blog about my hard times, but talking about it face to face to others is another thing)
It seems like every new friend or old friend I have, if I  started hanging out with them its no time at all before I get the big news.....They are expecting. So that leaves me and my hunny home most weekends because I refuse to make friends now, and I'm perfectly okay with that. I'll have time raising kids to have play dates and go to the park and make friends. (sorry ladies, I don't want to watch your belly grow week by week).
Well, Here's to another month....that I go infertile.

Shark week at the Richardson's

My sister gave us this idea, and my husband absolutely  loved it...

The dreaded week or more when I get very irritable and I start my period.
maybe because my husband feels a little like this...

 and well....it's going to be a bit different this month too....I'll be on crazy drugs (which by all means if I get pregnant with this treatment I'll be all for this stuff)
Wish us luck! and pray for Joe..haha

When we open our hearts and minds to others

I grateful for reminders from friends. Ones that live close and those that live far. I'm reminded in times of trial to pull out my journal and just start writing of all the wonderful blessings in my life.
Even if each of us did this they would all be different. None is better then the other, just different. All list would be the same important to that person. I'm sure with different trials in our lives we place that blessing at the top. I  will always be grateful for my country and those that serve for this country. so grateful!
Today I realized what is happening to me. I am changing completely as a person. not worst and not better, just maybe older.

Husbands know how to deal with us best

With every couple that struggles with infertility, I'm sure we can all say our husbands have really seen us in our true colors.
This was the day I noticed it, and well I'm still in denial that I over reacted (I'm not even medicated yet, oh help me now) but when I was reading Elise's comment about how I can seem positive in person and on the phone but when she reads my blog it reminds her of her days.
I do try to be more open with telling people, I've always been a more open person but I feel like when I write I am able to not feel like a crazy person in the grocery store screaming at her husband (oops, that happened today)
Kudos to all the husbands out there that have to make his clomid wife happy while everyone else is popping out kids. Even thought we have been living with my family for the past few months....they have not seen the depressed aubrey that joe has. So, what happened today....
First of all, I married my  husband for a reason (we are great together, I kid around that he is so much like one of my best friends in guy version) He loves to be sarcastic (he has cut down on that since he realized how sensitive I can be), He jokes around, loves to be positive about everything (this was hard when I didn't believe we could have kids and he did...I would get so angry at him and tell him he isn't God and doesn't know everything).
Well, at the grocery store today with my mom and sis, getting more prenatal and he looks at a organic baby oneise and we start commenting on it.  Then out of no where he says just  a few feet away " You should get on that and make one of those!"  oh I've never been so pissed at him! Out of all people he should know what WE are going through! Well, a few hours later and we patched things up.
until the next blow up.... remember to give your hunny a hug because he is sticking it through...all your true colors. 

I'm not going to lie...

Today just sucked!
I sit here and want to complain about my horrible inferitility day when all I can think about is my dear friend Ani, and her sweet little girl Ruby Jane. Ruby is up at UCLA hospital waiting for a liver donor. She is only 8 months old and today she is fighting for her life. Please pray for the family and pray for the soon to be donor family. I know Ruby is doing all she can to be with us.
xoxo Rubes
www.aniandmatttaylor.blogspot.come for more detail....and while you are there, make sure to sign up to be a donor! 




I had to have an emotional break down first at the hospital, then in the car, at home and later on a walk. I think I have gotten out all my tears and I'm ready to move on. If anything little Ruby is giving me strength to never give up. This time here on earth is precious.

Reminders

I want you to know I'm still blogging about what is going on, but won't be posted until 3 months later...(for privacy reason)

I noticed today whenever I come to my blog to post, I re-read my 2 quotes on my heading and they remind me that this shouldn't be easy, I'm not making this into a bigger deal...and sometimes when I think no one still cares, I remind myself that this blog is to one day have and maybe share with my children of the struggle I have gone through to have them in my life. I want them so bad it hurts sometimes.
I have really felt my depression ease as I grow more spiritually. It's been a long time feeling bad, but I had a sting tonight. It reminded me that it still hurts that I can't have kids on our own.
but, with all that said....I feel like I will have a different outlook raising my kids....I hope I have more patience because I'll remember the hurt and loneliness I had when they weren't around and I wanted them so bad. I hope that I will wait longer then usual to raise my voice or ground them, but I have never felt such a urge for so long (going on 20 months now) to have them in my life.

Good things are around the corner, I know that. They have to be just out of my reach to push me. This is my trial in life and I have come to accept that.  I'm still learning how to talk to people about it, or not break down and cry in public, but I have felt the love from so many I have shared my hurt with. People are really caring and I know this is getting me through this hard time.

Thank You

I am very grateful for all the support I've been getting from everyone. 
Thank You

Today I was at the Dr. and I couldn't help but be a happy smiley person.
I checked in and chatted with the lady about my nail polish and was so happy and everything she helped me with I said (very enthusiastic) "Thank You"
Man, I saw a lot of old people walking around. I guess it was the middle of the day and well...someday we will all be old and broken and need more dr. help.
The best was actually getting blood work and the big black man with tattoos on his arm was chatting with a co-worker about when they are going paint balling. As I listened I giggled and got up saying "Thank You" and "see you in a few days"
I am Thankful for these people, and I'm Thankful for others helping me along our way during this time.

I've been adjusting

Well, as we all go through in life the Ups and Downs, I have pondered what should I and shouldn't share. I loved having this blog in the beginning to vent all my anger (as I still sometimes do), but now we are getting to a bigger chapter in life. We are now on the path I like to call Professional Baby-Makers!
Whoo hoo.
It's so hard to get to that point, emotional, financially, physically, just about every way.
I always knew when we moved out to CA we would make the big jump from just test and ob/gyn to an RE. What I likes to call the "Big Guns"

I was so emotional drained when I went in last week to visit my new Ob/gyn. I felt like everything I said went in one ear and out the other and she just did her normal routine. Even when I told her my last Pap was sep, she wanted to do another. (oh the joys)

I came home and cried and cried. My mom came in to see me (we are living with them for the time being and maybe forever depending on everything). I didn't even have the words to speak..."I hate ob/gyn's".

My dr. simple stated that I was young and had time on my side and that I should go back to what I was doing to get pregnant and hopefully see her soon, pregnant. (roll the eyes)
wouldn't we like that all lady!

I felt so hopefully when I found out I was not alone on this ob/gyn feeling. I set out to meet "the Big Guns" (my RE, infertility specialist).
A great recommendation later, and I was shocked when I was able to get an consultation for a week later. (online everyone talks about waiting a month for this Dr, his success rates are so high he is sought after)

Well, without going into to much detail on this very open and public blog (in person I'm an open book about infertility, well, kind of....I have read not to disclosed when I go under procedures).
My husband and I meet with him recently and are so excited.
mr. dr. was concern with certain issues I was having (very short cycles) and wanted to help us solve this!
:) :)

Since leaving D.C. we left a few test we have to complete and in the next few months will be on our way. For documenting purposes I will blog as soon as I can BUT make sure it doesn't go public for 3 months out...so you will be able to follow along our process.

Tip for the day: ob/gyn says to keep my husband out of spas/ hot showers 5 days around ovulation.
Mr. Big Guns says it actually takes 80-90 days without spa to have good health sperm. Therefore....no more hot tubs!

It saddens me

Some things in life are easy to do even when the situation is not liked.
For instance,
Work...
most of Americans find it hard to get up some mornings and go to work,  but we do it because we have to.
I have recently come across more situations that I remove myself from not because I don't want to do it, but because I feel like I can not be a normal person.
This post is on baby showers!
They should be the most exciting time leading up to the birth of the baby.
They are all so well put together and pictures are just so darn cute! People are so creative and crafty and I'm so glad they share the pictures with us to copy.
I just can't bring myself yet to go to any. I did promise one friend that I will be there when she got pregnant(after a 2 year long wait) and guess what? She's pregnant now and I couldn't be more excited for her. But for everyone else who doesn't feel my loss and pain and I can not come.
And I'm sorry.

Today I believe it!

It's better that I do two post in one night because this post deserves a post all on its own!
Since I started opening up to my husband about my lack of faith that we are actually one day going to be pregnant, he has always had strong faith telling me he knows that one day we will be pregnant (or at least I will, but he will help contribute).
I struggled with this every time he said this. It really really bothered me. I always felt like we didn't know if we even could. Our test did not show that is was possible yet, but then again..they never show that it was impossible.
Something inside me (nope, not a baby) has made me to believe that I will be pregnant soon. Which  is funny because a few months ago when people say "oh, I'm so sorry, you know you're going to be pregnant soon." I would have that feeling of "how do you know?" and want to punch them because I was angry. Yesterday someone said this to me, and I felt like telling them "oh I know...I'm getting so excited for when it does happen and looking forward to it."
wow
a huge difference I have felt.
I know and look forward getting pregnant soon. I believe now that it will happen.

Also,
true story, my friend has been dealing with infertility for 2 years now and next month she was going to go in for her first IUI, and guess what? she just found out she is pregnant!
Talk about beating the odds.
Now, I'm sure I'll have a different story, but I will have a "what did it take to get pregnant" story.

start a blog

Everyone needs to start a blog.
I have a friend going through a very difficult trial with her newborn now and it just happens to be the same trial my cousin faced just a year ago. Only this friend is blogging about it and I heard my cousin say that she wished she would have done that.
Also I have had a few people share their infertility struggle with me and say they kept in all the emotions that you are all reading about me go through.
Whatever we are going through, it's best to yell it out because people actually stop acting like they are perfect and share their struggles with you that actually make you feel closer and bond more as sisters and brothers.

My Goal

I have been away from writing for a while now because I don't want to jinx it. I had a goal for a long time to just find happiness during my trial. I searched high and low to find how I can still be myself too. I struggled for a long time with this.
I feel like I started this blog to vent my angry. Every time someone announced they were pregnant I was a very unhappy person to be around. My poor husband took the  just of most of it.   For the majority of pregnant ladies out there I'm not comfortable being around or talking to because it always leads to babies, but I now have 2 friends who have struggled with me with infertility that are now pregnant. I love talking with them and supporting them.  I have felt like I have reached my goal.... being happy in my trial, and being myself again.
I don't know when the turning point was, I think it was a slow processes. I know coming closer to my Heavenly Father and relying on his help and strength has done a great difference. I had seen my friend struggle with her infertility for over 2 years and decided to blame God and put a wedge between her and her husband. I knew she needed more help than we could give each other. Thankfully she sought out professional help and some time ago started doing the things she knew she needed to do. She has gotten pregnant now and that is a whole, huge miracle by itself.

We had family in town last weekend and I was watching a new show "Quints by Surprise" and that's when my mom said that she thinks that is going to be her next trial in life. That I will do IVF and have many many multiples and she will be my helper. I had never thought about that before and don't know how our family will come to be, but whatever way we have our family....naturally, meds, drs. adoption... we will one day have a huge family and that is what I focus my goal on now. Become a person I need to be.
We are still hoping for our family here and doing all we can.

Pregnant in Heels

Have you heard about it?
I'm a bravo junky. I like the housewives, hairshows and all. When I heard about this new one that started back in febuary, I was going through the hardest part of infertility. I was struggling big time with my happiness. Since then, I have had an extra strength to help me not hate these beautiful and wonderful women that are becoming mom's. I started watching it some time ago. Here and there. I wouldn't tape it and I wanted to only see them when I was having a good day.
Today hasn't been a good day but I've been at home all day dealing with other trials that have blown up in our faces last night. So I decided to watch one episode. It was really good. And that is also when I found out the women in charge of the show and maternity clothing line is also going through infertility and undergoing IVF. I became very humbled. Sometimes I struggle just at my work with one pregnant co-worker and another is a mom, but I can't imagine all your clients being pregnant hormonal ladies needing her help and going through the normal infertility struggles, really?
My eyes have been opened more. She recently lost a pregnancy due to an Ectopic pregnancy .
She took a day off and went back to work, and even starting shots again for IVF, I guess you could call her my hero, because I took off a week and layed in the sun feeling sorry for myself and still dragged my feet when I came back to reality. anyways, I now have a new show I love because it's not all about flowers and pregnant ladies, it's real women who have or have not struggle to get where they are and still sometimes not happy.  Seening Mrs. Rosie do her thing for all the pregnant ladies out there really make me excited to be excited for my friends. I cant wait to one day through my best friends baby showers.
Check out more of my new hero, Rosie here
and something fun to do...take the Mommy IQ (weather you are trying, pregnant now, or just had a baby)
and for dreamers...check out her amazing clothing line that is so beautiful I'd be afraid to leave the house...actually I'll have no place to go looking that doll up.

Great new books for infertility

As I was watching the Today show this morning they had a new Book that they were sharing.
At this time over 6 million Americans are struggling with infertility.
You can go online and find hundreds of books written to help women coupe with infertility, but this is one of the first of it's kind.
A book to help the husband with supporting and understand what his wife is going through during infertility times.
It's called, " What He can expect when she is not expecting"
I think this will be a great book for my husband to realize why I am crazy.

Also I bought this new book on desert bookstore.
"Infertility : Help, Hope and Healing"
I'm very excited to read from an LDS stand point.

I love the mail these days. A friends of mine just recently went through what I'm starting to go through. She was able to get pregnant through IVF and had their little ones. She mailed me some great books that I'm reading also, starting with Hannah's hope.
Thanks E.

No more sour Aubrey

I have given up with complaining. My life is my life and no two people have the same life. While I wish some things in my life were different, I'm sure you could say the same thing.
Yes, we all have good days and bad one, sometime in our life we will go through such a trial that will test all of us. It will take every prayer, every moment to not give up and throw our life away. So what I'm struggling with having kids. My life will turn out how I decide. I know that, now figuring out what I want in life during this time I'm not a stay at home mom will be my next challenge, but I'm done complaining. I still may bottle up inside my green envy to every pregnant friend or friend with kids... I'm sorry. Just give me time to adjust more to this jealously and envy.
I love you all!

Coach purse? Big house ? Nice cars?

It doesn't mean a thing to me anymore. I have grown up with more then what I really needed. I had a very blessed life. When I got married I had a hard adjustment to a new simpler life style. Then I realized one day, I can work for my nice things.
I don't know when this happened but it did. I realized that with wanting these things in life I would never fill that emptyness of not being pregnant or having kids to teach and raise. I write often in my written journal about how I would give it all up just to the the opportunity to have a family.( we still are in the unknown if we can or can't have our own kids). I think my life has been forever change because of this. Women that have had children don't love their children less at all then me. I just don't need anything anymore.

My 3 wishes

My husband and I had a real good heat to heart at midnight in our car tonight. I can't explain it all right now but he was trying to help calm me down. He said what are the 3 things you really wish for right now, and I just want to share wish #1 with you because most people that go through inferitlity feel this was and no one knows.
1. I wish I could feel like my old self again.
I am such a sad, bitter, angry, hateful, broken person inside. The only people that see this side of me is my husband and good friend who are going this same but different infertility struggles. I hate that I really to hate others that are pregnant. Mostly I can't be around them because I am so emotional about not being pregnant that I avoid the situation at all coat. Joe and I hate it when another pregnancy is announce on facebook, heck I'm so depress sometimes that I hate it when anyone announce any time of pregnancy.
I hate myself the most for having these emotions and I feel like I need to see a good shrink for all my hatred. It's not good for me and not good for my body.
Why do some people have to get pregnant with no trouble at all and why do some struggle for years and years?
I don't know
But I am learning a lot about others feelings.
I feel more compassion for those that go through trial. For anyone reading this, please know this blog is my vent. It's part of what calms me down and helps me be the kind of person I can be again when I write this all down and try to move on day by day. Also for anyone that comes across this struggling with infertility problems or just a darn hard trial in life, it's okay to struggle and voice about it.

Over heard conversation

I do that a lot because of my job setting. And the number one topic in the salon now is babies. With one stylist just had a baby last summer and one is due this October, and then theirs Aubrey that can't have any that have wanted so many since I was 5 (probably because my sister was born and I feel into mommies helper). I just get so frustrated that I have to be trapped in this setting.  I hesitate to go to a salon when we move just to be torched again. When we get back we will start more testing. I wish we could skip to adoption already but for one you have to have infertility test done before starting the adoption process. Well, that's my venting for the day.

so much hope, my heart can burst

Every month I have this feeling,
if I pray harder, cry more, hope more....then maybe I'll be pregnant.
Although I will never stop doing those things that can't actually make my wish come true.
Sometimes I put all my hope into one day
and then I get disappointed. In the end, I have so much to be grateful full.
During this Easter time, I will spend more time being grateful for the knowledge I have of living again with God and for sure I will have children then!!!
Can't wait for Eternity!

A hard night

Have you ever cried so hard that you can't breath
you take a deep breath and gasp for air.

I'm feeling that pain all over right now. I can't talk to anyone I  just want to cry it all out. My husband is out of town for the weekend so I'm hoping my dog can take care of me during this hard time.
I called my mom because I found out another family member is pregnant. She was trying to help saying I will be happy for her, but I know I can't.
I feel bad, but I have this huge trial I am going through.
My whole life all I have wanted to do is be a mom.  I still remember my kindergarten teacher told me I can't just be a mom, and was mad that was all I wanted to do. "get married, have 7 kids and live in Irvine, CA (the only city I knew of).
I felt like I've had patience. I got my schooling done, I went on a mission, I got married and now we can't have kids?? (or at least have not had the opportunity in the last 15 months)
I am heart broken for the moment, I know this feeling can't last.
For the time being we have stopped all test because we are moving and I don't want to start up everything with the clinic out here and not be able to continue in CA.
All I can do is focus on life ahead, and pray that someday soon I will be a mom.

This will not be the last trial I will go through here, but right now it's the hardest one and it's killing me inside. It's breaking me down.

Dreams

I don't have dreams often, or at least I don't remember them.
Last night though, I had a dream that I was pregnant. I just remember smiling and rubbing my tummy.
Good dream like that make me keep pushing forward. Knowing that one day I'll be a mom, either through the natural way or others...this dream makes it real that I don't have to be so depressed.

A blessing in the mail

I've been meaning to right about last weeks tender mercy.
When I was a missionary it was very easy to have tender mercies often. So often I wondered how bless I was to see the Lords hand in my everyday life.
Well, life caught up to me and I haven't stop to see the tender mercies in my life today.
It's very easy to get down, just look at everything you don't have, focus on any faults....the easy way for me is to jump on facebook and blogs and see everyone posting and updating about good news and happiness in their life.
It's hard to live in the time with technology used for good and evil. Think of the Pioneers...could you imagine if they had a facebook status. Man, the people in Missouri would have a hard time hearing about all the hardships they would have to overcome to reach to Utah. Would some not go because they know what is ahead of them?
They lived for the moment and they lived to follow the Prophet who followed the Lord.
The weekend we will hear from our wonderful Prophet and I have more faith in him to follow any promptings of the spirit in what I need to do to follow the Lord.
back to my tender mercy.
I knew I was going to have a slow day at work, so right before I left I grabbed the Ensign that came the day before. I knew if I was going to be sitting around I should read some up-lifting material. (I have some downers in the salon and can be very mean to others, I can't stand the cussing anymore!)
I sat in the kitchen/breakroom and starting reading, after the first message I started just skipping to more eye catching stories.
Their on page 25, a message called " Faith and infertility"
I thought, no way...Heavenly Father is really wanting me to know he hears and is answering my prayers. I started turning to the spiritual side of things during this trial but I felt like I didn't find much on this topic. Just hearing about others struggling with starting a family makes you part of a bond. It's different then anything else I felt, no I take that back. It felt like a bond you have with people that served in your mission. Only they know what it was like to serve in the Missouri Independence Mission. The ups and the downs, good and bad. It's like that bond. These couples know what my husband first hand go through and feel each and every days.
This was my great tender mercy, and I know this will help me through another day, another week.

back to my new cycle...

I feel like I am getting there...
Acceptance
not that I'm accepting that I can't or wont be pregnant.
But that I've done almost all I can right now and leaving it in the Lords hands.
As I've stated that this day came with a monthly visit.
As I sat at work just long enough to hear my happy co-work exciting to share her new baby news with each and new client of the day I tried to hold back the anger and bitterness.
I left early because I wasn't feeling well. I came home and picked up my book, "If life were easy, it wouldn't be hard" by Sheri Dew.
She talked about leaving behind your baggage. It is different then having burdens, baggage is something we take and carry ourself because we do not want to let go, ex: Worry, jealousy, guilty, unforgiving heart, anger, regret and pride are all baggage.
I'm trying to learn to give up my baggage and be HAPPY!
I can and I will go through this trial Happy. I may have sad days and I may not go to a baby shower for a long time, but I have so much more to be thankful for and need to focus on the good in my life.
The baby...the kids will happen in my life.
However we get there we will be parents, but...
ps. I whenever I see someone else pregnant I often think I hope they know how lucky their are. I would give anything to be in their shoes.

It's been awhile,
You ask... Pregnant?
Nope, not yet
Just been focus on other things.
We have gotten the mr. All tested and although he was a bit worried, everything came out normal (blood work and all)
I've been tested out very normal too (blood work and ultra-sounds)
The thing that's I think has made a difference in my body is my new prenatal I take.
I started a new one two months ago an I love them. No more tuming aches! And I feel them work to make my body better.
I have alway felt I had very low iron and always could tell around my period when I couldn't stand and feel ver faint. These have definately helped!
They are trader joes brand of prenatals. Love them!
Also I've been reading a new book that was recommended called taking charge of your fertility. It's been very helpful.

just normal

We got results back from our test earlier this week. well, my dr. didn't find anything wrong there, it was all normal.
Perfect....
not really...
I hate having test and test. The more test you do and the more normal you are the more frustrating you get. I've always considered myself normal, so why am I jumping through more hoops?
I'm stuck now...what is my next move going to be?
more test? take a break?
Actually all it takes is another period and I'm right back on my e-mail (yes, my dr and I email often) asking her to sign me up for the next test.
But, this next one is going to equal the amount of money we have already put in all my other test combined! ahhh...nope not IVF (yet) It's going to take us a  lot more time to come up with that money, and we are still considered young and normal to not go there yet.
Can you blame me I have already "educated" myself into adopting, in case we go down that road.
Be prepared, right?
I still believe we are going to get pregnant this year. Possible because my husband thinks I'm so negative about this situation that I need to start just being 150% positive to stay happy.
on the positive note: my husband is on spring break and I've been able to sleep in with him every morning :)

more test coming our way....good or bad??

We have more test coming up next week. Although I get excited, I really get nervous too. I always want good news and bad news.
So let me share with you some good news and bad news that happened today.
I found out someone I know is pregnant after using IVF!!! (somehow I connect with these people because you know they know the struggle with month after month of trying.

What is Faith??

I woke up yesterday morning in a great mood.
I can't remember this morning though.
I was driving home from work and thinking about picking up our dog, champ and going into the city to take him on a walk until Joe finished baseball stuff.
Right as I was walking in the door Joe called to say he was done. This frustrated me.
My mood right then changed.
Over the next hour I had a sour mood.
I always seem to blame everything on not being able to get pregnant so therefor life sucks and I'm at the cycle now to notice it.
We have not been medically diagnosed yet with infertility issues.
but we have not gotten pregnant in 14 months...and if you really want to go into detail, I have my period on average of 25 days so I have about 14 periods a year....fabulous I know.

oh, back to my mood.

I went to watch my mormon message to get some spiritual uplift for the moment and watched this beauty.

I love it when the guy said, talking about the story of Lot and his wife " she probably didn't give it any consideration that her future could be better then her past."
and when they talk about the power to change and the lady says "anyone has the power to leave the past behind and move forward."
"THAT IS WHAT FAITH IS!!"
"live for it, live for the future"

all of these saying that were said hit me at this time. I need to not dwell on the past months and look forward to what the future holds. kids...someday will be here! and when that time comes I don't want to be a weakling.

a change of heart

"Hope you know, we had a hard time"
I'm trying to find more comfort, I thought about maybe meeting with my bishop, or therapy or a support group. Instead I reached down to my mail and starting going through it. I saw a desert book store magazine,  never before have we gotten one of these. As I opened it and looked at all the great book I wish I could read I saw a new dvd called mormon messages. So I googled it and found a whole bunch on Youtube and mormon.com I started watching them and felt so much closer to the spirit and a bit of comfort.
Then I saw one titled" Hope you know, we had a hard time"
Just wish I could tell everyone that.
It's not something I would announce on facebook but I did think about it because I feel so isolated.

It brought tears to my eyes....I just knew I felt my Saviors love.
Today is Ash Wednesday and we talked a little about it at work and I thought, I need to take the time and study the life of the Savior during this amazing special time. I'm working on it.
Whatever comes our way next week will find peace in the gospel and I am so grateful for that.

I HATE life and I'm going to vent!!!

This morning my very thoughtful husband tried to break the news to me the best way possible.
Granted you never know what you will get when you tell me something. He tried to make sure I was in a good mood and that I was strong. well, I guess not because you don't sit at the metro station crying  for no reason.
Yep,
2 more friends of our are pregnant.
No worries thats just 2 more people I don't have to hang out with and pretend life is a bowl of cherries. Joe tried to reasure me and tell me we are just a week away from finding out more testing my dr. is doing.
ohhh, exciting huh? more testing! oh please, I want to me picked at.
I know I can't hate every pregnant friend, but guess what I'm in my cycle and I'm angry and can hate them right now.
I told Joe, that I was excited we could be the only friends with the black babies. but then again I've always wanted to adopt deaf children because of my sign language ability and with Joe's Spanish maybe we will do a little of both.
Who knows?
He asked me before I left for work to look him in the eyes while he told me don't worry we will have kids of our own.
I wanted to say the same thing every other person tries to tell me
and how do you know that for sure?????
but I let it slide because I didn't have enough sick days to start crying again and stay home "sick".....sick of other peoples pregnancies.
UGH!!!
what new hobby can I pick up now?

My NEW cycle

No, not my period cycle, but my new cycle in my life.
Shock, Denial, Anger and Guilt, Despair and Depression, and finally acceptance.


I first dealt with Shock on Sep. 30, 2010-
After 10 months of wanting to get pregnant without trying I felt like this was the first real shock in my life that it was going to be harder then I thought and schedule a dr. appt. to make sure my labs looked good and to go ahead and start trying and using OPK to help out chances.
I remember being on the phone with 2 different friends, telling them I would find out soon if I was pregnant, but that I truly felt all the symptoms and I convinced myself that I already was pregnant. I even got every app for my smart phone to track my pregnancy. This is also the first time I broke down to my mom. Just crying like a little girl. I couldn't stop I felt like I lost something that I didn't even have.

Denial-
Around November I remember I went behind my husbands back and bought a whole bunch of pregnancy test and took them starting 6 days before my missed period and even after. I read so much about still being pregnant and having a period. It even happened to my mother-in-law so I thought for sure that was going to happen to me. I even test in between my periods thinking I mistaken something or had a bad batch of test. I kept thinking every pain or movement in me was a beginning of a pregnancy.

Anger-
oh, this still goes on....every time I see a pregnant lady, see a baby, or anything close to reminding me that "hey, aubrey you aren't pregnant!!" I push everyone out of my life that is going through this. I have more then just anger towards people that get pregnant on accident or 1st try. I know it's not them coming after me or rubbing it in my face, but I seriously have issues when I see this...I do the unthinkable and wish them the worst morning sickness or ugly baby...you name it. I feel like if I'm not going to have a baby they should feel all this sadness I have. For this reason I feel like counseling was for me, because I know deep down inside this is not right.

Gulit-
I feel like I have let my husband down, and my oh so excited to be grandparents down.

Despair and Depression-
This one hits home for me. Since I've hit my year mark this january of not being able to get pregnant I have felt nothing but depression. Depression is a weird thing, I grow through phases, trying to be invisible to faking it and then hiding in my home. A few months ago I got so depressed that my boss sent me home...literally home to california to see my family and try to get as much CA sunshine as possible. It was a good week, but I came back and I still had to deal with my depression and not being pregnant.

Acceptance-


I haven't hit acceptance yet....we are still waiting for my husband to take his big test and go from there...until then we are healthy, wealthy, and wise.

Someone to count on

I find it hard to talk to anyone about infertility because people don't feel your emotional pain. What they do and say just feels like a pat on the back and a " dont worry it will happen"
How the heck do you know?
You don't
So stop giving me false hope because I give it to myself every single time I pee on a stick and see one line.
Yep that's me.
The one line girl.
Unless you pee on a stick for one year a few time- a dozen times a month with the feeling of failure every time you don't know what I feel.
The only thing NEW that you could tell me is why I am not pregnant yet and then could you please info my dr who have worked so hard to find

Life sucks, I mean I love living and I love my family and husband and dog but life sucks when you don't get what you want.
I'm back to the why me? What's wrong with us? Why can't we have babies??

A good day

I really had a good day. I wasn't busy at work and I didn't break down wanting to run on the spot. I had a chance to talk more with my prego co worker and felt like I'm back to myself and being truly happy for her.
I know this is all because of my faith in the lord, Jesus Christ has been strengthen through scripture study and prayer and many blessings.
It's been one good day, with the faith and hope of many more to come.

The Rules

taken from a blog friend. She gets the writing credit. Her blog

I appreciate your support and comments. Please read these rules before participating:

Don't Tell Me to Relax
By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

Don't Minimize the Problem
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?Different people react to different life experiences in different ways.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say We Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone could say is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why We Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
IVF is Expensive with Low Odds
IVF is Physically Taxing
IVF Raises Ethical Issues

Don't Offer Unsolicited Opinions If/When We Try IVF
On the flip side of the coin, don't offer unsolicited advice to your friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make, for all of the reasons outlined above.

Don't Play Doctor
Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose, and reading an article or book on infertility will not make you an "expert" on the subject. Let your friends work with their doctor to diagnose and treat the problem. Your friends probably already know more about the causes and solutions of infertility than you will ever know.

Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you. The fact that she is willing to be a part of this time in your life, despite her pain, speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Me Like I Am Ignorant
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About My Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Don't Push Adoption, Foster Care, or any other option
The couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption/foster care decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

more fertility talk

I want to share a great article I read today on people.com

Nicole Kidman shares her struggle with having kids and without going into details she said something that just hit me hard,

"Anyone that's been in the place of wanting another child or wanting a child knows the disappointment, the pain and the loss that you go through trying and struggling with fertility,"

amen, Nicole. see full article here

I had a great client yesterday that was so excited to share her news with me that her husband and her are starting ivf next month. It was the first talk we had with each other about starting our families. I was so excited for her because I knew what she felt.

I shared with her my wonderful mom's thoughts when I thought I lost all hope because of so much disappointment.

At the end of the day I have to remind myself just because I'm not getting pregnant now does not eliminate my dreams of becoming a mom. I will do all I can to one day hold a baby in my arms and call them my child. I just have to come to realize this will be a moment of time in my life that will test my faith and hope.

Ugh

I had to stop making myself so upset. I deleted our blog and signed off of facebook. Until I can learn to be happy for others and not get so upset I have banned myself. It's pure torture and this time in my life.  I have been so happy not knowing what everyone else is doing. When you are going through a trial or struggle in life the last thing you want to see is everyone else happy or having what you don't have. Like BABIES... Everytime I signed on someone else was announcing they are expecting. While month after month now we have dealt with failure, well at least failure to me. More like disappointment. Losing hope. Losing the end picture of becoming a family.
The hardest part of all of this is no one that has gone through this pain can even come close to know how to comfort.

Becoming the dog walker

I'm back home being a wife and dog-mom.
When I was back in CA I took my moms dog, Charlie III, hiking everyday and it felt soo good to start my day that way. I can't wait to hike the CA mountains. When I got back here I started walking champ before I took Joe to the metro and has been so good for my health and mental state.



Look how happy he is to have me back home.

a trip to California

I was completely miserable and depressed. I felt like a walking robot, walking and talking how I know normal people do but without any feeling. I became a different person, people at work started noticing how I was in my own world. It became the same routine until one day my boss got me talking and suggested I needed some time away in California with my mom.
I was awake again, I knew some TLC is what I needed. I jumped on the plane the next day having a sleepless night weighing down the pros and cons of going to CA for something that seemed so little.
I'm here in CA and had only 1 cry day!! I have found that I need to change my mind set of focusing everything on getting pregnant and enjoy life right now. I knew that is what I needed to do but until someone took me out of my everyday routine and told me it would all be okay could I feel any better.

a ray of hope

It's been almost a week straight that I have just cried and cried for the unknown. I've talked to friends in similar situations and felt temporary comfort, I've heard the words of a carrying mom to easy my pain. Word from a husband to settle my anger, a powerful priesthood blessing well over due but just not asking. It was words from a loving Heavenly Father that told me how to press forward with faith, but most of all PATIENCE. All day today I was remember the sweet blessing my husband gave me and the power of knowing of his love and the love of my Heavenly Father.

When I have avoid everyone else on this earth so I could think more about how depress I was, I finally answered a father's phone call. I have it pretty good when not only have I always looked up to my dad as an amazing priesthood holder but also a church leader. He was very concern and sensitive about my FEAR of starting a long trial of starting our family. I knew and still know one day we will have children, however the Lord see's fit to bring them to us, but when I was talking to him I realized how scared I was to have to face this trial. Why did I have to feel this way? He recognized my pain, hurt and anger and knew they were real, but told me to get to studying the scriptures more to feel my Heavenly Fathers help and love.

He told me stories and made me realized although the only thing that can keep us away from our Heavenly Father is sin. and the biggest sin I was making was made known unto me, that I was letting Satan allowing me to be miserable like himself. Thats all satan wants from us, to be completely and utterly miserable like him and I was allowing myself to go through that.

I googled LDS family services and found great spiritual insight. I read through scripture and what I came across first was
DOCTRINE AND COVENANTS 101: 16
".....be still and know that I am God."
I control a lot of my everyday choices, but this is one I need to let go and remember every single morning, every single hour and someday I need to get on my knees every moment and remember "aubrey, be still.....God is in control and he knows everything"

Our story

Life is just a beach!

Joe and I grew up in Southern California. All we have known is gorgeous weather and the sand between our toes. 

Before we met:

I'm 11 months older then Joe to be exact. When he started high school I was a sophomore. We went to the same school that first year and don't ever remember a time meeting, but I do remember the Mormon kids were a close knit group of kids. 

After the Lords work:

Joe and I both served missions for our church (The Church of Jesus Christ of latter-day Saints, AkA: Mormons) He was serving in south Chicago, Spanish speaking. and I was in the middle of the country in Kansas, using my American Sign Language skills. 

The first sighting:

Just a week or two after I got home my mission my brother dragged me to a "mormon night"out at the local MLB game with the institute. I remember sitting a few rows behind Joe and his friends. My girlfriend sitting next to me said, "Aubrey, you should date Joe. He is so nice and handsome and he just got home from his mission too!" 

A few weeks later, I saw Joe again outside of church activities. I was dropping off my mom at the movie theaters to meet my dad for a date. As she was getting out of the car, Joe was coming out with his dad from seeing a movie. We did the awkward wave (I know you go to institute with me but I don't know much more then you are good looking)

Our first "date":

After talking to each other and flirting on Memorial day at the beach he started asking every night to hang out. We hung out at our friends house with a bunch of good mormon kids until the weeee hours. Finally thursday he asked for a haircut and friday I called him up to join a bunch of friends that were going camping down on the beach and surfing. HE had forgotten that he was schedule to take a girl out from institute to "get to know" her better, but he made sure that I knew he was still up for going camping after the "date". yes, our date was the 2nd of the night. My brother and I slept in our tent and Joe brought his own. We walked down by the beach and had a real nice time. 

Sightings: 

We saw each other everyday after that, we couldn't get enough of each other. We are both suborn and opinionated which made for great fights. A week later we went on a official date. 

The Date:

Joe took me on a group date with his 2 best friends and their dates (whom I love and know). We went to ESPN zone for dinner and I don't remember much because that was the night he kissed me for the first time and that is all I remember. We all drove together and when we were driving home and I was resting on his shoulder when he couldn't stand it anymore he lend over and kissed me. Earlier that night my gf that was on the date asked Joe's friend why hasn't Joe kissed Aubrey yet, and his answer was along the lines of "some girls we kiss just to kiss and some girls we wait because they are marriage material. 

and the rest of the night I was on cloud 9. 

Engaged:

While I was on a family vacation 3 months later he and his friends made a video of all the places we have been to and all the memories we made. When I got back home he made me to go to institute that night along and said he would be there later because he had to help his dad out for work. All along he had it all planned out to propose right after the lesson. I sat there trying to read my scriptures but I was really pissed that Joe hadn't shown up yet and the class was almost over. When the teacher finished his lesson he asked for a female volunteer, but  just ended calling me up. They played the whole video that Joe made in front of the class and at the end Joe walked in and got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife, and of course I said YES!

Married:

We were sealed in the Newport Beach, CA Temple 4 months later on January 2, 2009. 

Life pursuing a family: 

I went off of birth control 4 months after our wedding. We weren't trying to get pregnant until 8 months after, and we had just stop caring about using protection and just hoping it would happen without trying to figure everything out. I've always wished I could just get pregnant and not realize it until months later. Finally I was making good money and we found a great insurance plan that would allow me to get pregnant after a month. Usually insurance makes you pay for maternity up to a year before you can start trying.  Last Sep. 2010 I decided to go see my OB/GYN to do a check up and get just simple lab work done. I told her we were going to try to get pregnant. (but in the back of my mind I knew we could have gotten pregnant in the last year, but I figured if we actually tried it would just happen). A month later I was back in seeing her for very painful periods. I started looking back and realized I was missing a lot of days of work because I wasn't able to stand during. She wanted me to take more iron and do a ultra sounds and pelvis exams. When everything came back normal I just though, just a few more month and we'll be fine. The next month I was back in again for more pain and discomfort. (not to mention the sadness you go through when you realized you aren't pregnant that month and then have to deal with pains so bad you can stand. We looked into different things it could be and tried to help it each month, but it never got better. We finally took a cruise for our 2nd anniversary and I secretly just hope more relaxation was what I needed, but once again, I felt like we failed.

The dark time:
The winter was getting dark and so depressing. I couldn't stand going on to facebook because everyone else seemed to be so happy and fertile. Everyone around me seemed to be getting pregnant, even in Hollywood, every other day another star would announce their exciting news. I wanted to be happy for these people but I couldn't. I started to feel so much hatred towards them. Even my closest friends were getting pregnant and when I couldn't take it anymore I shut down. my co-workers said I just looked lifeless. I didn't talk to anyone. I looked like their was no hope in my life. This went on for weeks, it killed me inside. My husband did everything he could to help me. Every time he helped it was temporary comfort for me but I also went back to being depressed. I was crying daily sometimes multiple times for no reason.This for me was and still is the hardest part of living your life. Nothing seems to matter but what I can do to be able to have a family. I wanted to see a therapist. I felt so dark in my life.

Finding Happiness:
Reading books like "no one can take your place" by Sheri Dew and "If life were easy, it would not be hard" really helped me jumped back to my spiritual side. I realized I needed my lifeline to my Heavenly Father to be as strong as possible.  My boss came up to me and said" Aubrey, what is going on in your life?" I just broke down and cried. I couldn't even get out what I could say to her. I told her I would talk to her at the end of the day more. When we talked again I had even more tears, I wasn't sure what I was going through or what i needed. I just wanted to feel like myself again and be happy and smile.  My boss told me to take some time off and go see my mom. She just knew some California sun and mom time would hopefully help me out of this funk.  I feel so blessed because I was able to leave the next day to California.

Present time:
We are still hoping to have a family and have started more test to see what treatment is best for us at this time and if they will work.
This is a very hard issue to deal with and I thank you for your love and support.