*over a year old draft that I wanted to post now.
happy national infertility awareness 2015
I always seem to wait about writing a post every year about this week, in fear that I've become that person that this desiease has changed and over taken, but in reality it hasn't designated who I am, but it is a piece of me and us as a family. It effects us daily.
2010 was the first time I reached out for a community, I couldn't do this alone. I felt like every time I got close to someone who said they struggle with getting pregnant miraculously pops up with pregnant the next week. Thank goodness for the Internet. I started reading blogs like this and for the first time...
I didn't feel alone
I'm so glad this year we are focusing that our infertility community is not alone.
1 and 8
It can be very personal to deal with and talk about but we must.
I'm very comfortable talking about all we have been through, and now I hope to be a listening ear for others that are going through treatment at this time. Treatments are NEVER easy but having someone giving you hope can keep your eye on the goal.
Sunday, July 17, 2016
Birthdays....
Birthday, it's a love/hate relationship. It definitely is a point in your week/month/year where you stop and think about how far you have come. Sometime we make birthday define us and that is hard.
I use to hate getting old just because in my perfect mind I always thought I was going to be the young cute mom with my perfect cute kids. HA!
I'm now excited to be a more older wiser mom because I have to and that is what I am looking forward to now. A new me, in my 30's and what I want.
When our miracle baby gets old, it for sure gets harder. Another year without a sibling close together, another year.
I had a very hard time this past June when she turned 4. I just hated her getting older. She has really entered into a stage where she just doesn't need me that much anymore. It had me thinking so much of her starting Kindergarten next year.
When I my therapist and I talked through this it was amazing the tools and tricks to recreate a new dream of our future. Some dream I want for my 30's and Brinley's last year in Pre-school.
I have some pretty big dreams for these next 10 years and I'm excited, hopeful and happy for what I want for our family.
Friday, July 8, 2016
JUST a mom
It's been some time that I have been in contact with a new therapist. We have e-mailed, talked on the phone, but I finally decided I needed to come in for regular appointments.
We went over all the paperwork, family history, childhood, etc. What was different about this appointment from other therapist I've seen was I told her what I wanted out of this. I want to learn how to heal, I want to learn how to see triggers coming and how to not completely break down and isolate myself. I needed tools for at least the next 10 years of my life....(then I'll be 40 and hoping my close friends aren't still announcing pregnancy after pregnancy). She also gave me a homework assignment.
We talked about how I still have the picture in my head of what I wanted as a young child. She wants me to write a story from the first time I could remember about wanting to have children.
I'll share the beginning with you since it is easy for me to remember.
I was in kindergarten and our teacher asked us to do a project for back to school night. It would hang above our desk and parents could see them all. We were to write what we want to be when we grow up, what we will be doing and where we want to be living. Such a fun silly thing for a bunch of 5/6 year olds.
I still have mine.
It reads " I want to be a Mom, and raising my 8 kids in Irvine, CA"
I don't remember this but my mom said it was a bit of a war with my teacher because she first told me I couldn't JUST be a mom...that I should write down a career I wanted to be as a mom.
Having a stay at home mom all growing up, I was upset about this! In the end I got to put what I wanted and that was to JUST be a mom.
We went over all the paperwork, family history, childhood, etc. What was different about this appointment from other therapist I've seen was I told her what I wanted out of this. I want to learn how to heal, I want to learn how to see triggers coming and how to not completely break down and isolate myself. I needed tools for at least the next 10 years of my life....(then I'll be 40 and hoping my close friends aren't still announcing pregnancy after pregnancy). She also gave me a homework assignment.
We talked about how I still have the picture in my head of what I wanted as a young child. She wants me to write a story from the first time I could remember about wanting to have children.
I'll share the beginning with you since it is easy for me to remember.
I was in kindergarten and our teacher asked us to do a project for back to school night. It would hang above our desk and parents could see them all. We were to write what we want to be when we grow up, what we will be doing and where we want to be living. Such a fun silly thing for a bunch of 5/6 year olds.
I still have mine.
It reads " I want to be a Mom, and raising my 8 kids in Irvine, CA"
I don't remember this but my mom said it was a bit of a war with my teacher because she first told me I couldn't JUST be a mom...that I should write down a career I wanted to be as a mom.
Having a stay at home mom all growing up, I was upset about this! In the end I got to put what I wanted and that was to JUST be a mom.
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Our own infertility journey
We each have our own journey in the infertility world. I remember when I was going through IVF I would spend countless of hours on the internet researching for a story that was just like mine,but did something different that got them pregnant. Days after days, months after months, years after year and I never found another like me!
Why? because we are all on our own path to find our children that are meant to be in our family. I have a great friend who has adopted two beautiful children and we have spend a lot of time talking and one thing I know for sure that she has taught me was her kids were meant for her and her husband, they just had to get here through another way, through an act of kindness and love.
When I started understand that, I knew that my faith would help me. That I believe before we came to earth we were all together living as a heavenly family. I believe my kids are up there now in heaven waiting to come to us as a family. Through all of our efforts this has not happened yet, but I still believe they will come. There will be a bond between adoptive parents and child still as they are their own, not just because I will be carrying them, but because I will be raising them and loving them and teaching them as my own.
We have thought and prayed a lot on which direction will lead us to our next child and I know God know and I know that when you get that answer you run with it because it's an answer from God leading you to that child. So I can not be more thrilled and excited to learn more patience as we wait and wait and wait for that call that we are at the top of that list, ready to find a match at that clinic. At the clinic we will be doing the transfer, right now the wait time is a year to a year and a half, which should scare me, but it doesn't. Because I feel like we are being lead to this clinic for a reason that our child/children and going to be from there.
With bringing children into the world it can be from many different ways...
-Traditional adoption
-IUI
-IVF
-Donor- Egg, Sperm, Embryo
-Surrogate
-Natural
and in the end... we are all doing the same thing.. being a mom and raising out kid to be a good kid.
So however you get your forever family, whatever the journey may take you on and through, know that it was meant for you and your family. This is your infertility journey....make the most of fighting what you want most.
Why? because we are all on our own path to find our children that are meant to be in our family. I have a great friend who has adopted two beautiful children and we have spend a lot of time talking and one thing I know for sure that she has taught me was her kids were meant for her and her husband, they just had to get here through another way, through an act of kindness and love.
When I started understand that, I knew that my faith would help me. That I believe before we came to earth we were all together living as a heavenly family. I believe my kids are up there now in heaven waiting to come to us as a family. Through all of our efforts this has not happened yet, but I still believe they will come. There will be a bond between adoptive parents and child still as they are their own, not just because I will be carrying them, but because I will be raising them and loving them and teaching them as my own.
We have thought and prayed a lot on which direction will lead us to our next child and I know God know and I know that when you get that answer you run with it because it's an answer from God leading you to that child. So I can not be more thrilled and excited to learn more patience as we wait and wait and wait for that call that we are at the top of that list, ready to find a match at that clinic. At the clinic we will be doing the transfer, right now the wait time is a year to a year and a half, which should scare me, but it doesn't. Because I feel like we are being lead to this clinic for a reason that our child/children and going to be from there.
With bringing children into the world it can be from many different ways...
-Traditional adoption
-IUI
-IVF
-Donor- Egg, Sperm, Embryo
-Surrogate
-Natural
and in the end... we are all doing the same thing.. being a mom and raising out kid to be a good kid.
So however you get your forever family, whatever the journey may take you on and through, know that it was meant for you and your family. This is your infertility journey....make the most of fighting what you want most.
Monday, June 20, 2016
Healing
Healing take time and there is not right or wrong answer for how long is too long to take.
Over the past 4 years of trying after our daughter was born and 2 years trying before we got pregnant with her, I have definitely felt a lot of emotion and feel like I've been on a roller coaster ride. Right now, I'm healing... I feel like for me when I just lost and hurt I turn towards my faith and relationship with God. It's not like turning on a light switch but it starts giving me more and more comfort that I know he is there and I have to listen to him and think of the bigger picture. This can be so hard to do when other pregnancies are usually the happiest time for that soon to be mom, it can make me reflect on all my failed tries.
In the end of this life I hope to be living with my family and God, and I have learned this weekend something profound. Why would I want to be there and not have felt all the pain and sorrow my infertility has brought to me when I know my Lord and Savior had suffer it all so that I can live with him and my family again.
If I had no trials, or that I prayed tonight to be pregnant this month and it happened...how would I expect to know that I always chose the right path that wasn't always the easiest but lead me back to him.
grieving is good.
crying is good.
feeling sadness is good.
wanting is good
healing is good.
but there are somethings that I believe come from satan and that is when I start feeling guilty, angry, bitter, hatred, jealousy.
If I can just start healing a little bit more everyday I know I can find a peace in my life.
We have to choose Joy.
This next journey we are taking on gets me so excited to blog again, because their is not much out there. Speaking with my wonderful Dr. tomorrow....
Over the past 4 years of trying after our daughter was born and 2 years trying before we got pregnant with her, I have definitely felt a lot of emotion and feel like I've been on a roller coaster ride. Right now, I'm healing... I feel like for me when I just lost and hurt I turn towards my faith and relationship with God. It's not like turning on a light switch but it starts giving me more and more comfort that I know he is there and I have to listen to him and think of the bigger picture. This can be so hard to do when other pregnancies are usually the happiest time for that soon to be mom, it can make me reflect on all my failed tries.
In the end of this life I hope to be living with my family and God, and I have learned this weekend something profound. Why would I want to be there and not have felt all the pain and sorrow my infertility has brought to me when I know my Lord and Savior had suffer it all so that I can live with him and my family again.
If I had no trials, or that I prayed tonight to be pregnant this month and it happened...how would I expect to know that I always chose the right path that wasn't always the easiest but lead me back to him.
grieving is good.
crying is good.
feeling sadness is good.
wanting is good
healing is good.
but there are somethings that I believe come from satan and that is when I start feeling guilty, angry, bitter, hatred, jealousy.
If I can just start healing a little bit more everyday I know I can find a peace in my life.
We have to choose Joy.
This next journey we are taking on gets me so excited to blog again, because their is not much out there. Speaking with my wonderful Dr. tomorrow....
Friday, June 17, 2016
our next step...
I feel like all great ideas come to me after 5pm on a friday so that I have to wait and thinking about it all weekend long.
As I have felt a new path everyday since our failed IVF....
-never waiting to try to have another kid again
-adopting asap
-embryo adoption
-chinese way with herbs, acupuncture
- going into isolation and being a loner
Well, tonight my heart skipped a beat. My favorite Dr. has embryo adoption at his clinic and all I want to do is call him up and get our name on that waiting list. Hoping I can call on Monday and find out more info on this to see if this is where we are supposed to go....
On another note,
I joined a infertility group on facebook...actually my friend invited me to one, found the LDS one, and joined an embryo adoption one too. I was filling out my info and journey when seeing it all written made me realized I was hitting my head on brick wall for so long.
Grateful note: I am so grateful for the fun day I had with my daughter and all the laughter we had. I saw a picture of my husbands cousin who just announced she is pregnant on social media at 36 weeks and I said out loud, she look beautiful pregnant, because I need to only think positive things to change my thought behavior against others. I can change my unhappy, circumstances depression to serve and love others.....easier said than done, but I will try!
As I have felt a new path everyday since our failed IVF....
-never waiting to try to have another kid again
-adopting asap
-embryo adoption
-chinese way with herbs, acupuncture
- going into isolation and being a loner
Well, tonight my heart skipped a beat. My favorite Dr. has embryo adoption at his clinic and all I want to do is call him up and get our name on that waiting list. Hoping I can call on Monday and find out more info on this to see if this is where we are supposed to go....
On another note,
I joined a infertility group on facebook...actually my friend invited me to one, found the LDS one, and joined an embryo adoption one too. I was filling out my info and journey when seeing it all written made me realized I was hitting my head on brick wall for so long.
Grateful note: I am so grateful for the fun day I had with my daughter and all the laughter we had. I saw a picture of my husbands cousin who just announced she is pregnant on social media at 36 weeks and I said out loud, she look beautiful pregnant, because I need to only think positive things to change my thought behavior against others. I can change my unhappy, circumstances depression to serve and love others.....easier said than done, but I will try!
Monday, May 23, 2016
The fast close to IVF #3, and final
I have step away from blogging for some time now. I didn't even have a day to breath to what happen to us. I just fell down and brushed it off, pretending this was all a dream.
Recap:
First, I switched to a different dr because we moved and was hoping to try a different protocol too. I warned the Dr. that my last 2 IVFs I took longer than expected to get my eggs to mature size, so they worked with me and let me start ahead of the "group" (There are a few Drs in this clinic and all work at the same outpatient so they all get 1 week out of the month to use the surgery center and hope to get all their patients in that week) Obviously this doesn't always happen, like in my case.
My 1st ultrasound the dr was shocked and said wow, we are ready for an egg retrieval this week. So I came back two days later and then he noticed I wasn't growing as fast as he thought, so we started pushing back the egg retrieval.
Finally they scheduled me for a sunday morning, which to me is so nice and trusting, because what dr really wants to come in on a sunday...it would be so easy for him to push it 1 more day to monday to make it more easier.
I went in, and they were able to retrieve 12!
12!
This was my lucky time I thought. On top of it all we had asked so many family and friends to really fast and pray for us and I just knew and believed we had the Lord on our side.
The next morning I was just picturing all the different conversations I would be having with my nurse for this week...."all fertilized...and looking great."
"we lost some, but we are more than half way there"
I was waiting for the call, but trying to keep myself busy. Our almost 4 year old daughter was still at my parents house and I wanted to get ready and pick her up soon. My hubby was at the gym and I decided to jump in the shower to get ready for the day. I jumped out of the shower when I heard my phone ring and was completely blindsided what I was about to hear. I kept my tears together until I got off the phone and just broke down.
I never, ever, ever prepared myself to here again for the 2nd time,
"I'm so sorry, but none of the egg fertilized with icsi"
I hung up and just let it hit me like a ton of bricks...just like that our 3rd IVF and 10th treatment was over...I had no hope left to hold onto. I couldn't stop sobbing. My better half came home sometime in the next 30-40 mins and cried too.
It was over
We met up with our Dr that day and he didn't give us anymore insight which was discouraging.
The rest of the week was the start of our grieving process...of denial. We went on like nothing ever happen, that I was just as happy and I could just pretend that all of this ever happened. Except one thing, our IVF loan. We still pay that off every month.
While IVF is the answer to some people trying to have a kid we are the select few that it doesn't work for.
We have decided we are moving on and closing our treatment chapter down.
But we are still Becoming a Family so I will still continue to blog about everything else but infertility treatments.
Recap:
First, I switched to a different dr because we moved and was hoping to try a different protocol too. I warned the Dr. that my last 2 IVFs I took longer than expected to get my eggs to mature size, so they worked with me and let me start ahead of the "group" (There are a few Drs in this clinic and all work at the same outpatient so they all get 1 week out of the month to use the surgery center and hope to get all their patients in that week) Obviously this doesn't always happen, like in my case.
My 1st ultrasound the dr was shocked and said wow, we are ready for an egg retrieval this week. So I came back two days later and then he noticed I wasn't growing as fast as he thought, so we started pushing back the egg retrieval.
Finally they scheduled me for a sunday morning, which to me is so nice and trusting, because what dr really wants to come in on a sunday...it would be so easy for him to push it 1 more day to monday to make it more easier.
I went in, and they were able to retrieve 12!
12!
This was my lucky time I thought. On top of it all we had asked so many family and friends to really fast and pray for us and I just knew and believed we had the Lord on our side.
The next morning I was just picturing all the different conversations I would be having with my nurse for this week...."all fertilized...and looking great."
"we lost some, but we are more than half way there"
I was waiting for the call, but trying to keep myself busy. Our almost 4 year old daughter was still at my parents house and I wanted to get ready and pick her up soon. My hubby was at the gym and I decided to jump in the shower to get ready for the day. I jumped out of the shower when I heard my phone ring and was completely blindsided what I was about to hear. I kept my tears together until I got off the phone and just broke down.
I never, ever, ever prepared myself to here again for the 2nd time,
"I'm so sorry, but none of the egg fertilized with icsi"
I hung up and just let it hit me like a ton of bricks...just like that our 3rd IVF and 10th treatment was over...I had no hope left to hold onto. I couldn't stop sobbing. My better half came home sometime in the next 30-40 mins and cried too.
It was over
We met up with our Dr that day and he didn't give us anymore insight which was discouraging.
The rest of the week was the start of our grieving process...of denial. We went on like nothing ever happen, that I was just as happy and I could just pretend that all of this ever happened. Except one thing, our IVF loan. We still pay that off every month.
While IVF is the answer to some people trying to have a kid we are the select few that it doesn't work for.
We have decided we are moving on and closing our treatment chapter down.
But we are still Becoming a Family so I will still continue to blog about everything else but infertility treatments.
Saturday, January 23, 2016
Ready for stimming ivf #3
Jan. 15th I went in for baseline ultrasound and I was disappointed in our antral follicle count.
The antral follicle count is a fairly simple test to perform with high quality ultrasound equipment. It allows us to evaluate a woman's ovarian reserve - her supply of eggs for the future. Tests of ovarian reserve do not measure the quality of the eggs, they only measure the quantity.
Again my right ovary is failing me... we had maybe 1-2 counted. I don't even know if I still have a cyst on that side either that my previous RE found last summer during my year long break. My left side had about 8. It left me feeling bummed but hopefully we can still get quality over quantity.
I also started lupron at night at 10ml. The next day I had bad headaches all day but haven't had any after that night taking some ibuprofen. I did have some crazy moments with the hubby where I over reacted but I swear it was the lupron.
I stopped the birth control after 12 days and have started a light period which can happen. I went in the dr this morning for an ultrasounds to make sure the lupron was doing its job. The nurse was quite and I laid there wanting to ask how does it look, but I sat there quite hoping she would be able to count every single one there, but something didn't sit right when I saw the right side ovary. I'll just have to call in the office next week and ask.
So, I'm all set to start stimming with menopur and gonal-f in 2 days and I'm still waiting for all my meds get here, but I have had some help with some friends until I get it all here.
I also asked my ivf coordinator about my AMH levels. She checked and it was 1.61 which 😯 no the best but not the worst.
The antral follicle count is a fairly simple test to perform with high quality ultrasound equipment. It allows us to evaluate a woman's ovarian reserve - her supply of eggs for the future. Tests of ovarian reserve do not measure the quality of the eggs, they only measure the quantity.
Again my right ovary is failing me... we had maybe 1-2 counted. I don't even know if I still have a cyst on that side either that my previous RE found last summer during my year long break. My left side had about 8. It left me feeling bummed but hopefully we can still get quality over quantity.
I also started lupron at night at 10ml. The next day I had bad headaches all day but haven't had any after that night taking some ibuprofen. I did have some crazy moments with the hubby where I over reacted but I swear it was the lupron.
I stopped the birth control after 12 days and have started a light period which can happen. I went in the dr this morning for an ultrasounds to make sure the lupron was doing its job. The nurse was quite and I laid there wanting to ask how does it look, but I sat there quite hoping she would be able to count every single one there, but something didn't sit right when I saw the right side ovary. I'll just have to call in the office next week and ask.
So, I'm all set to start stimming with menopur and gonal-f in 2 days and I'm still waiting for all my meds get here, but I have had some help with some friends until I get it all here.
I also asked my ivf coordinator about my AMH levels. She checked and it was 1.61 which 😯 no the best but not the worst.
Thursday, January 14, 2016
Birth Control Pills
Throughout our 7 years of infertility journey I always laugh when I heard other ladies having to take birth control before they started a IVF cycle. I guess I laugh to hard because this Dr and clinic has me starting on birth control pills to make sure we schedule the egg retrieval when the Dr has the outpatient surgery center schedule for him. So, now I see the importance of birth control before IVF cycles.
The best is when you go pick up the prescription and they have to go over everything because I mention I've never taken birth control before, hahaha. I almost rolled my eyes when she said you may want to use another form of protection until the medication kicks in.
All I could think of was, "If only you knew lady, If only you knew"
So the procedure I had last week jumped started my period a few days earlier, so I called the Dr office and they had me started on the pill. I because the crazy person.
I stayed pro active this whole week because I knew things were coming up soon and knew I take forever to stim. It's a good thing I did my nurse called tonight and told me the Dr. made up my schedule and wants me to come in tomorrow morning and start Lupron tomorrow.
All I could think about was." AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, this is all getting so real again!!!!!"
So excited
yet so scared, again.
So I'm trying to calm myself down because my ultrasound tomorrow will give us our baseline count for my follicle and I really want the most to work with. 12-15 will be the best news ever....then if we can make sure my eggs are quality and ready to be fertilized.
We got our loan application all ready this week and ready to do this....
So here we go!
The best is when you go pick up the prescription and they have to go over everything because I mention I've never taken birth control before, hahaha. I almost rolled my eyes when she said you may want to use another form of protection until the medication kicks in.
All I could think of was, "If only you knew lady, If only you knew"
So the procedure I had last week jumped started my period a few days earlier, so I called the Dr office and they had me started on the pill. I because the crazy person.
I stayed pro active this whole week because I knew things were coming up soon and knew I take forever to stim. It's a good thing I did my nurse called tonight and told me the Dr. made up my schedule and wants me to come in tomorrow morning and start Lupron tomorrow.
All I could think about was." AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, this is all getting so real again!!!!!"
So excited
yet so scared, again.
So I'm trying to calm myself down because my ultrasound tomorrow will give us our baseline count for my follicle and I really want the most to work with. 12-15 will be the best news ever....then if we can make sure my eggs are quality and ready to be fertilized.
We got our loan application all ready this week and ready to do this....
So here we go!
Thursday, January 7, 2016
Hysteroscopy- round 2
Yesterday I went into the hospital to have a hysteroscopy done again. Last time I had this was March 2014 and it was done during my laparoscopy where we found the endometriosis.
This time my Dr went in and didn't find anything he needed to remove or clean up. He did say some research has shown a positive implanting after a biopsy done with patience who had previous failed IVF. So we are hopefully that this can help us more.
Next up, waiting for my cycle to start and contact my Dr and set up my protocol for IVF #3 for baby #2.
This time my Dr went in and didn't find anything he needed to remove or clean up. He did say some research has shown a positive implanting after a biopsy done with patience who had previous failed IVF. So we are hopefully that this can help us more.
Next up, waiting for my cycle to start and contact my Dr and set up my protocol for IVF #3 for baby #2.
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