1st break from treatmets

I was bummed this morning when my cycle started again and bummed again when I found out the ONLY 4 days my Dr's office is close the whole year (365 DAYS)  will be right in the middle of my next treatment, making it not ideal to start any medication this round.
I can look at all the negative about this but I'm trying to stay positive and enjoy Christmas time with Brin and my hubby. We also have our 5 year anniversary coming up right after the New Year so we are going to jump on our tradition of a sushi dinner and maybe a quick getaway.
Well, see you back in 2014!

Failed IUI round 4

I didn't even come on this blog all last cycle because I'm just getting depressed writing over and over again that things are working. I know someday I will get pregnant again because we will do anything we can and even go into adoption when the time is right, but for down I am really bummed out.
Here's just a recap of our 4th IUI with injectables:
I love love love doing the injectables over taking clomid. I didn't have any side effects and it was more pleasant. I ovulated a lot earlier than any time before and we did the IUI on days CD 10, & 11. Back to back IUI's with great numbers too...everything was looking great! I had 2 follicles, one on each side and they were measuring well over 21mm. In every way possible, again I thought this was the one. I was sending good vibes to everyone and doing seriously ALL I COULD. and maybe that is just it.
This time my Dr had me start progesterone suppositories every morning and every night. They go right up your yang yag. It is not so pleasant at all, but this help keeps the uterus lining strong and not shed (bleed). Therefor I knew no matter what I would go in on Friday, Dec. 13 to do blood work.
I went in this morning and had to bring my daughter with me, which was very quick and easy as they took my blood. I asked her if I could switch to the progesterone oil shots because I liked them better and my insurance still covers that. The nurse was so nice to call it in to the pharmacy. Then later that afternoon, one of my favorite nurses had to call and give me the news I did not want to hear. I was so bummed and still am. She told me my progesterone was not back down to zero so it would be a few days before my period would actually come back.
oh the joys of infertility. Thank you for all your love and support, we will get through this, but I'm sure this next round being over Christmas and New Years I may not do much blogging.

Failed IUI round 3

Just when I had hope and was so positive, I woke up this morning and once I got out of bed and started getting dress to head into my blood test, I started my cycle!

Blah!

Starting a new round now, but this time I'm excited. My dr. likes to try 3 round of clomid and iui with trigger shot and u/s to monitor everything. Then if that doesn't work, (like us now) He does  3 more rounds of iui but this time we are using a newer drug, injectables. I don't know much about it but those that have done ivf do because it's the same medicine just a lower dose. Even though I though I was being closely monitored with all my previous IUI's I talked to the nurse and she told me what it will be like this time around and its crazy more! Like every other day ultrasounds and blood work then after half way its a daily ultrasound and blood work. 

I'm going crazy!!!

Tomorrow morning I go in for a blood test and as excited as I was this morning I have to write down my crazy day....so many ups and downs.
I really woke up thinking we've got this one in the bag. No more fertility drugs and no more waiting for baby #2. During Brinley's morning nap I went to the bathroom and thought I was starting my period. I was so angry and mad. I was going back to my giving up hope feelings. I just had it, I was not looking forward to any of the holidays anymore and I wanted to hide from everyone again.
I informed my hubby and mom, and lost hope.
As the day went on we stayed at home knowing I would starting a heavy period any hour and could be having bad cramps. During Brinley's 2nd nap I watched a good Hallmark Christmas movie. Hour after hour...I was just waiting. And every hour that past I gained more and more hope that maybe I was pregnant. Around dinner time I was feeling confident that I had implanting bleeding (like I did when I got pregnant with Brinley, the only pregnancy I've had). I read everything I could on google and came to realized either my period will come or by morning I'll be at the Dr.'s for a blood test and in 24 hours we will know for sure.
It still is a killer not knowing and I may fall hard back into frustration, but at least now I have hope again.

symptoms

Remember last cycle I posted about my headache and nausea symptoms here.
Well, I woke up this morning with the same thing...it started with a headache...one I thought I could handle. I just wanted to rest it off until Bryn woke up.
I got her up and feed her breakfast and it just kept getting worse and worse. Then I took a small dose of meds. with crackers (don't' mind that I tried some holiday M&M's and a slip of caffeine to see if that would do the trick first).
Then the nausea came on, and I grabbed a bowl and poor Bryn had to watch me throw up. blah, it was pretty awful.  My mom convinced me to take more meds and that did the trick.
By the time I put Bryn down for her 1st nap of the day I was feeling symptom free!
Thank goodness.

Progesterone levels round 3

I took my progesterone blood work this morning and not to my surprise it came back good, 22. ONE MORE WEEK until HCG blood work!!!! whoo hoo!

7 Days past IUI

I hate to guess symptoms and stuff, but I just have to say this morning I had major cramping. This is great news!!

round 3....IUI's

I don't know why but this time around I just don't feel like writing. Maybe, I don't have any new news to share. It's all been said and done before and by now I'm just sounding like a broken record with no outcome.
Well, we had 2 IUI's back to back this time and I'm just resting away. It the dreaded 2 Week Wait now.

Grow baby grow

Today we went in for the 1st ultrasound after clomid and they can tell a lot by this. My uterus lining looks great and I have 1 perfect follicle and another medium size and a few baby ones. Since 1 looks like its ready to ovulate they decided to give me the HCG shot  today and go back in tomorrow for the 1st IUI. I'm really excited because this was they way my body was handling it when I was able to get pregnant with Brinley so I'm  hoping we can achieve a pregnancy again!

The odd life of Timothy Green....*tears welcome*

I remember years ago seeing the promotions on TV and knowing one day I want to watch that, but I was not ready to see it back then.
Fast forward to this year my sister informs me she and a friend saw it and she thinks I would like it. So, last month I saw it on one of our movie channels and decided I'm not in the mood now, but I'll tape it now and hopefully one night when my husband is out lobster diving I can enjoy a good cry movie.
Let me just tell you, no matter where you are on this journey of infertility your heart aches....bad.
It was very touching and very real.
That moment you see them in the elevator coming out of the Dr's office that just said you have no chance at having your biological children and he heart ache you feel when you see another child with there parents. The worst is when that parent is not loving to that child at all.
I personally felt like I have and still see this often. Children are so bless and need to be loved and nurtured (as I feel like I'm preaching to the choir).
The best thing about having a kid is seeing your parents become Grandma and Grandpa (weather they like the title or not, they are that!)  This always melt my heart.
2 things that stand out to me in the movie is the extend "perfect" family and there music recital. When Timothy got up and shared his talent his parents jumped in and while everyone else in the room thought it was a big disaster and felt bad, they were having the time of there life jamming away.
So, We need to all quit worrying about what others think of your family and enjoy the memories and good times.
And the real message of the movie....NEVER give up!
So when you are ready and you need a good cry I really recommend this movie and how beautiful it shows the struggle through infertility and adoption.

forever.....

It seems like when I post a lot like last cycle the time goes by forever!!!! So, I'm keeping myself more busy and not thinking about it much.  I finished my clomid last week and I still get bad hot flashes! I'm looking forward going in for the 1st ultrasound to see what we are working with. Luckily its on a weekend so my hubby gets to come too!
Here's to another round.

A post without an update

I feel like my blog dropped off the face of the earth and became something I recorded down all things that have to do with trying to get pregnant. I forgot that I can feel and vent again.
Since starting up fertility treatments this time around I decided to un-follow most friends on Instagram and deactivate my facebook for the time being, and boy I'm thankful!!!! I haven't had to worry about someone talking about getting pregnant or having a baby thrown in my face everyday and it's made me a lot more happier this time around. I'm having real good conversations with people again and not worrying about trying to snap a photo of Brinley to show everyone what we are doing or brag about this or that. Lets be honest we all want our lives to look good (nothing wrong with that), but if that is effecting my emotions or makes me hate you more because of something you did that I can not...well....I want to lose Instagram and facebook and not our friendship.
I think my message is simple...live your live for you and don't try to prove anything.
and don't you worry....I plan on coming back to the fun IG and Facebook world as soon as these stubborn little follicle grow and stick and start producing a baby!!!

Here's to the saying...Thirds time a charm!

Round 3 of IUI
The first round for baby #2, I realized it was okay if it didn't work like the first time. That was normal...and we just got spoiled the first pregnancy.
round #2, I was sooo convinced that we were pregnant! Everything was looking great-perfect at each Dr. visit. Every ultrasound just looked like a nice dream.
I would be lying if I didn't say that week starting round 3 was the hardest. It was actually an out of body experience, because I did not feel or act like myself at all. I was negative and a bum on a log.
As I'm just about to finish off my clomid for round 3, my attitude has changed a bit...I am hopeful. I am believing. I am on a mission to raising more kids.
I
Can
Do
Hard
THINGS.

Failed IUI

I want to look at the positive side of things but another just needs to vent and cry more.
I was so so sure that my body was doing what I was hoping for. I really even had myself convinced that 2 or 3 eggs fertilized, and was really looking forward to that! I was hoping for so much more than this, but something do not come even when we do all we can physically and spiritually.
I had an 7:30am appt. tomorrow to go to the office for my blood test, but just 12 hours before I started bleeding. It's been a hard enough night, I just want to go to bed...

More symptoms

With just 3 more days away before I have my blood test but I'm already feeling a big positive coming...

I woke up this morning with again a headache. Once I was up I started feeling very nausea and got back in bed. Thankfully it's Sunday and my wonderful husband is on daddy duty. I ended up dry heaving and just hope it's all due to a pregnancy!!

Wednesday can't come soon enough!

Progesterone levels

Exactly 1 week from the IUI they like to test the progesterone levels. So this morning I went in for the routine blood work.
Great news...I was a 34! Doesn't mean I'm pregnant but it means my body is doing what it should and that's prep to carry a baby.

Round 1 IUI- 21 (Brinley's Pregnancy)

Round 2-     22 (failed)

Round 3-    34

what to do during a 2WW??

I've done a much better job really resting on the couch this round and hope it pays off.  I'm starting to feel bloated again and very little cramping here and there. I read somewhere about how long it takes for the fertilized egg to fall down into the uterus and attach itself to the lining, and for my schedule it could happen starting tomorrow for the next five days! With Brinley's IUI I had implantation bleeding and hope I could get another early sign! I started walking a few miles again today with my other mommy friends and hopes it help me with my well being.

D-day or also know as..... IUI Round 2

IUI Day:
We woke up early to get everything we needed together, Then off to the office at 7 am to bring my husbands swimmers in. As they were washed and prepped I sat back and relaxed.
It was then my time to go in and have an ultrasound. They like to see how the follicles are growing and how close we are to ovulation time. After taking a look they asked if I had a lot of cramping last night and today? I actually was going to ask them, because I had and I was pretty sure it was due to ovulation. They confirmed that I had ovulated all 3 follicles and it was now time for the IUI. So excited that my chances upped having one more on the right side.
I went into the other room where they performed the IUI's. My wonderful high maintenance cervix came out and took the nurse and dr a little bit longer to find it. Once everything was finished I stayed there to relax. Then came home and rested on the couch the next 4 days!
Why 4 days?
That afternoon my mom ran to the grocery store and a family friend came behind her in the check out line. They started chatting and my mom knew I was open about talking about things like this especially with those that are in the same boat or have been. This family friend has gone through this 2 already and told my mom to tell me even if the Dr.'s didn't say, I should be laying down for 4 days to let the body relax and do this thing. Since her husband has gone through medical school as well I thought I might as well try everything. With my last failed iui I was a bit to confident and cocky about it all...I even went hiking the day after. I doubt I took it easy and rested up. So I'm hoping with all this good vibe we will have good results.

HCG shot

I was actually so nervous going in the office today because I thought I had already ovulated and it would screw things up. But come to find out I had better news!
I went into the Ultrasound and to my surprise we checked the right side first and happy to see that little small follicle that I had no hope for was mature and could possible release an egg in there during ovulation. Then, we checked the left side and the 2 follicles that we have been watching where nice and plump. Ready and mature to *hopefully* release and egg in there.
I was very happy to hear about this.
Then I went into the room to have the nurse give me the HCG shot. Everything else went as planned and I came home to rest up for the big days ahead.

longer wait

I have very short cycles so I was shocked when I went in for another ultrasound today and they found a few small follicles on the other side too and wanted to wait another day for the trigger shot. Everything is still looking good but I'm shocked that my body seems to be slowing down to me. The follicle aren't growing as fast as last 2 cycles and we are waiting longer. It's all very scientific and spiritual at once. I know and believe in the help of modern medicine yet I have a strong faith in miracles. The uterus lining is now a 10.5 and my Dr said they like it over an 8 so that is great news.

Ultrasound update

Well, we had a great time going in together as a couple and seeing our follicles grow. They have gotten bigger and everything looks good, its just a matter of waiting a few more days to see. I have to go back in tomorrow for another ultrasound and maybe the trigger shot? IUI are good to go this week. We have 2 follicles still on the left side that are the biggest around 23mm so those will be our shot.There is one small one that just showed up on the right side but it probably won't mature quick enough to ovulate.  The lining has thicken up and we are all ready. Gosh, I feel like this one is going sooo slow and we are waiting forever!!!

follicle ultrasound!!

I'm so excited! Tomorrow is the first ultrasound scheduled on a weekend so my hubbys get to come with me! While he is less than excited to wake up early on the weekend and drive up to Newport Beach, we are so excited to see how big my follicles have gotten and if we are ready for an IUI this week!

too early ultrasound...

I went in a few days early because we don't want to miss if I ovulate early. So we schedule for an ultrasound for CD-10 and the ultrasound showed we are early...the follicles are still small and hopefully growing, the uterus is still not thick enough for the IUI.
So I wait 2 more days and go in for another ultrasound. Now, off to google what help follicles grow and thicken uterus lining more haha.
This cycle the Dr. said their was no real activity on the right side but more on the left side. He only measured 2 follicles so I'm not sure if there are anymore.
Uterus lining was 6
and follicles were around 11x17 in size

clomid- Check

I finished off my prescription of clomid and I'm just waiting to go in tomorrow to see how we did. It's always up in the air about these things.
Wish us luck!

fertility meds symptoms

I'm feeling great, just a whole bunch of more hot flashes.

1st Ultrasound for this round

I went into my Dr.'s office this morning to get cleared to start another round, and by cleared I mean check out my uterus to make sure it looks pretty and I don't have any cyst growing (which is very common I've heard, but very scary).
Well, everything looks great and we decided to stay with the same routine. I go back in exactly a week to see how my follicles are growing. After the ultrasound I got my prescription and left to go get it filled.
The first time around when we got pregnant with Brinley we had no fertility insurance coverage, this time around it's awesome so I make sure that we are getting everything covered that we are suppose to. I ran into a problem picking up my clomid.....again...and had to get back on the phones with the prescription insurance company, apparently my clomid should be covered but isn't until my Dr. calls in to authorized the medication...so confusing, but sooo grateful and worth it! Now you can bet after this round of IUI's I'm going to be laying down and doing nothing as much as possible.
Thanks for the well good luck wishes!

CD-2 the blessings

This has been a really weird feeling for me, because I'm just shocked but also grateful.
I am so deeply grateful during a time we are crashing at my parents house...yet again to save money, putting aside every last penny to save for a house, and  we have fertility insurance coverage up to 90%.
It has been a huge blessing for all these things.
With having a toddler at home I am so grateful for my mom being able to watch her anytime I need to run to the office for another blood test or ultrasound.
I'm seeing so many tender mercies and I believe that because I focus on what we do have and not what we don't have. I've been able to say no to things that would normally stress me out doing and been able to service in other ways I never saw coming.

round 2 for baby #2

I don't know how long we will have to do treatments to get pregnant, but I love looking back and comparing everything from my cycle before, So I want to blog as much as I feel comfortable with.

With a surprise jump start to this cycle we are jumping right back into another treatment. I called this morning and talked with my nurse, and will go in for an ultrasound in two days and talk about what plan of action we will go with this cycle. Here's for round 2!!!

Soooo Baby hungry

We had a great time with friends last night at there house for dinner. They just had there 2nd child 4 months ago and she is just so adorable! I love holding newborns and she was so sweet to hold, while I was a little nervous about our little girl, she just was thrilled that there was a "BaBeyyy" Brinley laugh and giggled and was all smiles! She loves babies just as much as her mommy! We even sat down on the floor and she got to hold the baby. She was all smiles! I just hope we can give her a baby soon, I'm sure this stage can't last long.

Brinley is just smitten, and going to one day be a great big sister

1st failed IUI

It's hard to sit here and say what I'm feeling because I have so many different emotions.
Dreams of becoming a mom to many never seemed like it was going to be hard to get there. After struggling to become pregnant naturally I was scared but ready for modern medicine. When we got pregnant on our first treatment I was so surprise and excited, I thought we found a solution to our problem and we would go on having as many kids as we like.
Well,
Life throws us curve balls and keeps me looking for strength in my faith and beliefs.
The day is not over yet, but I've held on to my little miracle a little longer and requested for more kisses than ever. I knew she was a blessing and I could never take her for granted, but when you have a failed pregnancy you really hold on tight to the ones you have.
I want to say I knew this was coming...
but honestly it could have gone either way and I would have a list of reasons why I knew I was or was not pregnant.
I was scheduled to go into the Dr. office tomorrow for the blood work but I woke up this morning to an unpleasant surprise, my periods came.
Just so you know having a child already does not make this part any easier.
It's been a roller coaster day of emotions, but I will lay my head to sleep tonight and wake up happy and ready to start round 2 of IUI. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers that we will be able to have more kids.


9/23/11- BFP (baby girl born 6/1/12)
9/25/13- BFN (1st failed IUI)

2WW symptoms

It's so hard to know if what you are feeling is what you are hoping your feeling.
I just have a few more days left until I go in for my blood work and the one thing that sticks in my mind about any 2ww symptoms is bloated!
I think I have felt bloated this whole week! I decided now would be a good time to give up soda and invest in drinking more water. I have recalled more moments of cramping here and there, but it's hard not to get your head wrapped around every little thing that could be.

Progesterone level

 This morning I went in to get my blood drawn. They can not tell if I'm pregnant because they gave me the HCG shot last week to ovulate and it still can be in my system and give us a false positive.  In case you didn't know, when you pee on a stick or get a blood test they are looking for HCG. I think it's like anything about 10 is your pregnant. Most people have somewhere in the hundreds. Last time I had 17 and we had a fighter, Bryn.
I was asking the nurse what they were looking for when they take my progesterone levels though, She said if it's really low they can start me on progesterone earlier because that is what help your uterus keep the baby inside. If the numbers drop you can miscarry easily.
For example last pregnancy my first numbers were 22 (anything above a 10 is good), but then a week later when they took my progesterone and HCG my progesterone had drop down to a 12 and that's why I took progesterone shots every night my first trimester.
Why can't they see if I'm pregnant or not with progesterone??
   In this early stage the progesterone levels they are measuring can be left over from my follicles and not have anything to do if I'm pregnant or not. So lets say worst case, the eggs did not fertilize I still can have progesterone in my blood from the follicles and have a good level today.
So, I'm waiting for the results and will hear back by the end of the day!

I've patiently waited and got a call after 2pm
So far things are looking just great! My numbers came back at 21 which is just below last pregnancy...again we still don't know for sure if these means I'm pregnant, but that I don't need to take progesterone right now.

CD-13, 2 of 2 IUI

Another early day, and beautiful morning.
This day we weren't rush because hubby wasn't running off to basketball. It was still pretty early though and I popped out of the house before anyone else got up. My mom has been on grandma duty when I have to run over to the office, and if just melts my heart everytime I come  home and my baby girl runs to me and hugs me and doesn't let me go for a while. I just love being a mom and these moments that you don't want to forget are those.

This was a month ago when we were up in Big Bear, but you get the idea....heart melting.

Back to me at the Dr. office. I turned over the swimmers and sat down to eat the donuts I picked up on my way since I had a little extra time.  I watched the morning news and enjoyed the time to sit down to relax. When an hour had passed it was my time to see how everything was doing. 

I first had the ultrasound where we did not find any follicles! This is the best news, it means I ovulated right in the middle of both of my IUI's and it's giving me the best chance to get pregnant! 

Then it was time for the IUI, we switched rooms and got me prep. every time they show me the needle and show me to confirm my name on it. Saddly, this time around we only had about 10 million swimmers. I asked my nurse what they consider to be low? She said they like it to be from 10-20 million. So with us having 30 million the day before we were still looking good on his end of the procedure. We also talked about how normal sex gives you in the hundreds so getting in the millions right into the uterus is awesome. 

I have to say this time the IUI procedure wasn't painful at all...it wasn't even that uncomfortable. Everything seems much easier the second time around. After that she sets the timer for 10 mins and props my pelvic up.  I came home to a running, hugging baby girl and put her to bed for her morning nap and went in my room to lay like this......

just in case any of them wanted an escape. I should have just done a headstand, but this will do. 

1 week until I have blood drawn for my progesterone levels and then

2 weeks until the draw my blood for HCG (pregnancy hormone)  

CD-12, 1of 2 IUI

written 9-11-13

It's been a long day already.
I woke up very early to make sure I took my hubby's swimmers to the office as soon as the open. It was so quite outside and even though school started this week no one was on the roads yet. I drove to the office and waited out in the hallway because I got their a bit early.
As I handed over my "lunch bag" with the swimmers, I couldn't help but just pray and hope for the best. It takes them about an hour to "wash and prep" them. I went back downstairs and grabbed a bagel to eat.
The sun was coming out and more people were making their way into the building. I went back upstairs into the office and sat and waited.
When they called back my name the first thing we needed to do was another ultrasound. This time each follicle took up the whole ultrasound screen.
They grew!!
They got a lot bigger. Their were still 2 of them there, which means I had not ovulated yet, but would still because of the HCG shot. With everything looking great there we went to the next room for the actually IUI.
They told me she noticed that my hubby's swimmers had double since the IUI with Brinley. We had over 30 million swimmers, amazing! So I'm thinking in my head, this has to work! This is going to work, maybe, just maybe both egg will be fertilized.
An IUI is comparable to a pap smear. They have to find the cervix though and open it up and keep it open....this time it was uncomfortable and painful at moments. When we got all the swimmers up there, they tilted the bed to help gravity take its course and I was to lay there for 10mins. After though I wasn't ready to get up, I just wanted to lay in bed all day!
I did get up and go back home and have been resting as much as I can. It has made me feel very tired though. It was a good day though and I'm ready for another round of the same thing tomorrow!

HCG shot

written on 9-10-13

I went in again this morning to do another ultrasound. Since having Brinley the whole office got TV's mounted on the wall to be able to watch everything going on with the ultrasound comfy laying down on the bed. So I love going in and  seeing the progress. 

Dr. Anderson was their today and did the ultrasound, he said everything is looking good. They found the 2 follicles that were seen yesterday and did another measurement (1st-23x19, 2nd- 22x20) . They both grow nicely and went over the 20mm that they hope for. So he said we were all ready for the trigger shot. 

We went into the other room and the Nurse came in with the hcg shot that will tell my body to ovulate (I've read stuff on timing and I'm not sure so I can't tell you positively what the facts are). Now I rest and wait to go in again tomorrow morning for another ultrasound and 1-2 IUI. Can't Wait!!

1st ultrasound

written on 9-9-13

I'm so ready for this! I love going into my Dr's and seeing everyone. 

Today, was a real hard day... Aside from my personal life I just heard news that a childhood friend I know lost her husband in a car accident this early morning, leaving behind his wife and 2 daughters. It just broke my heart I would be fine and then it would hit me again and  then I would break down crying. So coming into the office today was bitter/sweet. Knowing Joe and I would be able to bring another child into the world is wonderful yet my heart ache for her and her family. Thankfully I saw all my familiar faces at the office and helped me through the weeping appointment. 

I am in the time of my cycle where I am essentially growing eggs, not any new ones because women are born with a certain number of egg, so to help my process out we help more show up at a time. The only way to see how the eggs are growing is to have an internal ultrasound. It goes up the ying yan and shows up on a TV in the room. I don't know how they find it, but they are able to see each side of my ovaries and measure each egg that is growing. Since my periods are pretty short (around 26 days) I have to go in a few days earlier than normal to make sure we don't miss the IUI opportunity. 

Each month women typically develop one follicle (future egg) that becomes dominant and stops all the other eggs from growing any more. It is the body's way of trying to prevent a pregnancy with multiple babies unlike animals that have litters.

The Dr.'s are looking the follicle to be more than 20mm in size. Today I had 2 follicle that were growing a good size (1st- 20x16, 2nd-21x17)...almost ready for IUI, but in hopes that it grows just a little bit more we are waiting a day and going back tomorrow for another internal ultrasound. I did have 1 follicle on the other side but they noticed it was much smaller and the body probably stopped it from continue to grow and mature. They also measure out the lining in the uterus to make sure it is well and no cyst or scars. That was looking good and didn't have any issues. 

In case you really wanted to see what my ultrasounds are looking like I snapped a few pictures! 

So pretty I know, unless you know what you are looking for or someone points it out you can't even see the lining. It reminds me of the Friends episode where Rachael is pregnancy but can't tell on the ultrasound where the baby is! 

I'm soooo pumped!! I love this start and love watching a baby grow from day 1! I feel so blessed! Cross your fingers that we have a good IUI this week! 

Best thing to do during the 2WW??

online shop!!!

I love going to all my favorite places and creating a wish list. This gets me mentally prepared so when I do find out we are expecting I can really go through the list and decided what I thought would be fun but not useful. Everything consist of "if I had all the money in the world....my baby would need this"

so not true though... 

to come home from the hospital you need a car seat, diapers and food supple (breastfed or formula)

until then....I'm creating more and more wish list :)

off with clomids head!

Tonight is the last night I take my clomid and so far it hasn't been a big problem for me. I felt very bloated for a few hours last night and a bit crampy but nothing bad.  Last night I was up 3 times with Brinley and I had that thought...wow, am I ready to get up again with a newborn?

Then I thought...I don't think anyone is ready but when you see your newborns face you become more than human, you become a mom. And like most moms I know, they will do anything to not let their child feel pain when they don't need to. 

first day of Clomid

So I started taking Clomid at night because I heard it can make you tired. So my first full day was on day 4, with no side effects to complain about. I'm already getting so excited about this and can not wait, I've gotten back into looking into all the baby stuff and what came out new this past year.
I've also started preparing my mind and body for pregnancy. Thinking about getting pregnant again and having a newborn around made me realize I knew absolutely nothing when we had Brinley. I didn't even have nursing bra until my mom ran out and got some when Brinley was a day old. Like most things when you have done it once you know some what to expect. I fully expect though a completely different pregnancy and birth, and even though Brinley is a perfect child and the best sleeper ever....I know this one won't be. (I can still hope though!)

ultrasound check up

I went in this morning (sep. 2) to have the Dr. do the ultra sound to check the lining of my uterus and make sure everything is okay to start the processes. They did an internal ultra sound and could measure everything they needed to know. So we went ahead and gave me a prescription for clomid (exactly what we did last time, because it resulted to a great pregnancy). Starting tonight I take clomid for 5 days, I then go back in a week and we have another ultrasound to see how the eggs are developing.
I hope I don't have any major side effect of the clomid, because last time I only had some hot flashes and that is a piece of cake compared to others.

Day 1....tears

Day 1
of any women trying to get pregnant can be the hardest day. It's been my deepest lows and sorrows. This always mean, No baby.
But...today it means so much more! It's a fresh start to our journey to baby #2. We went in a few weeks ago and met with our Dr.
 Like before he said lets go back to what worked for you the first time. He sent us on our way with some homework;
Me: Prenatal, exercise, take care of my body
Hubby: NO SPA (takes about 3 months to build up your soldiers), no long bike rides (same reason)
On the first day of my next cycle I was to call in and let them know.
Let me just tell you I love my little infertility family (everyone in the Dr.'s office). When I call in I always know I'll be talking to 1 of 2 friendly voices that always answers the phones. Then I'll be working with nurses that are great and know on a first name bases too!
I called in this morning, Saturday Aug.31 and told them I started I started my cycle, I talked with my nurse I worked with before. She was so excited we were starting again for baby #2. I have to go in on day 3 for an ultrasound and prescriptions, which happens to be labor day, but because my office is so awesome I am still able to go in and get everything done. until Labor Day....

We're back!!!

I've been going back and forth on this post, but like most things I want to share my struggles and success. I find a lot of peace when I am able to find others to relate to on something I'm so passionate about, and try to help make women feel more comfortable talking about things like this to help pull us together and build each other up.
My passion has been about having a family,,,...with lots of kids.
Now, that Miss Brinley is over a year old we have been coming across the next question everyone seems to want to know as well...."So, When are you going to have another kid?"
I find it odd because it was hard enough to have the first so why would I know when I can have a second?
Joe and I decided after having Brinley we would not prevent being able to convince another child. We knew their is a possibility that we could convince a child on our own without medical interference and wanted the greatest chances of that happening. So with a 2 month old in my arms, I knew their was a possibility to get pregnant right away. But, month after month nothing became of our tries..and we were once again...infertile.
After moving back to our home state, California we got our health insurance squared away and were so excited about infertility being included....like a LOT  excited.
More good news is our Dr and his practice fits under that inhouse coverage.
We set up a date and met with him, again. This time so excited for what lay ahead. Our consultation was a lot shorter this time and a lot more personable, he did however tell us, we will go back to do what worked the first time (IUI), but don't expected it to work on the first try again.
Heavy words, but the reality of it all.
When I blogged about our treatments with Brinley I was so scared of the unknown. I wanted to blog about it but I had no idea what could happen, so I kept the post date 3 months after I wrote the post.
This time around...I will be making it more real time.
I don't by any means want to shout off a rooftop (Facebook) what I'm doing each step. I want this blog to  be a means of those that are curious or struggling as well to find something interesting to read.
If you come across this blog by all means share it with those you think can benefit for gaining a community of support. I will probably go more into details this time around because lets face it...I found it hard to educate myself the first time.
Next step:
We met with our dr. and decided the path we were going to go on with treatments, now we have to wait until I start my next cycle and give his office a call...I know what should happen after that, but I will leave that to my next post.
Thanks for following along!
Here's to baby #2!!

Military and infertiltity

You think you have it hard trying every month to convince when your infertile? I have not stop and think about the life of a military wife or spouse. I already know from family members in the military and friends you never know your day to day schedule and sometimes spouses can be gone a long time or deployed which makes starting a family and timing AND moving  to different doctors can be soooo challenging. My aunt sent me this wonderful interview of a military wife who started a Facebook page to help others in her feet get support from each other.
If you know someone struggling with infertility AND in the military pass this along to them.
I love the out reach people are going through to help others.

Plus I still have others working on their story for last weeks infertility awareness so stay posted, and hopefully I can get around to my story as well (in a nutshell).

interview of military's wife on Infertility

Guest Blogger....Finding their Journey (Kendra & Mark)

I want to remind readers that this is not easy topic for some couples to speak about, it's a very private and sensitive journey they are on and I know you are all amazing but I want to shower each one of these guest with the most love to opening up like this. Please be very kind, this is a real trial and heartache. Thanks! 

I have a deep connection with all my previous guest bloggers, but this one really hits home for me. I have been in Kendra's life since the day she was born. We are lucky to call each other cousins and friends. Our family, like many others have dealt with trails, and we have only grown closer as a family as each trail strengthens all of us as we support each other. My heart goes out to Kendra and Mark everyday, they are that couple that even on their bad days still make every mom and baby feel loved and special. They are going to be AMAZING parents.

For as long as I can remember I've wanted to have children.  I never even really thought about a career path I would want because I just wanted to get married and have babies and be a stay-at-home mom.  When Mark and I got married, we decided to wait a little while before trying to start our family, but deep down, every month I kind of hoped I would just accidentally get pregnant even while on birth control.  After about 8 months of marriage, Mark finally gave in and it was time to start our family!  I was so excited that the time was here and that I was going to be pregnant soon!  The prospect was so exciting and I couldn't even handle that I would have to wait 9 months for a baby to arrive. 

As you may have guessed, I wasn't pregnant that first month, or the next, or the next.  Month after month, I would get my hopes so high and would be sure I was pregnant, only find out that once again, I still wasn't pregnant.  Now, some 20 months later I'm still no closer to being pregnant.  I am infertile.

We've seen many doctors and they all insist that nothing is wrong with either Mark or I but for whatever reason I can't seem to get pregnant.   One of the hardest things about this process is the ups and downs.  The high hopes you get when you think this month is the month, and the terrible disappointment when you find out that it's not.  I know that some day Mark and I will be able to have children.  However, not knowing when that day will come is the hardest part.

Throughout this process I've learned that we are certainly not alone and that many people struggle with infertility.  Chances are you probably have someone close to you that is going through something similar and who is keeping it quiet as well.  

Guest Blogger...."Baby Deklan" Brittany Tashjian

I'm so happy that Brittany wrote something up for my blog this week. We just had the opportunity to meet for the first time, and our babies fell in love! I found her blog and found comfort and peace that I wasn't alone, I would read hers for support and inspiration. It made me want my own outlet to vent on and share with others so they don't always have to guess what I'm going through during our treatment process. We found out we were going in for treatments the same month (She was doing her first IVF and I was doing our first IUI). We were emailing all the time and followed the growth of these two beautiful miracle babies inside us. We have become life long friends and I'm so happy to share with you her beautiful family. 

My husband and I have been married nine and a half years now.  Almost eight of those years were spent trying to conceive. I was diagnosed with PCOS and never really had a cycle. I am still battling with this and probably always will. If I could look back now I would tell myself to enjoy life a little more. Try to relax and have faith. And then slowly those feelings of inadequacy I had then return. It felt impossible to enjoy life with such a heavy burden in my heart. How could Heavenly Father not trust me with one of his precious children? Was I not good enough? It felt painful to know that my righteous desire to be a mother may not ever come true.

 Infertility will ALWAYS be a part of our lives. It was the hardest trial I have ever had to endure. And trust me, I’ve had my fair share of crap thrown at me. Infertility feels unfair and lonely. It was impossible to not feel jealous or compare yourselves to your friends who had two, three, or even FIVE kids by now. I hated people who complained about being pregnant, or a teenager who had an “oops” baby.

I am here to tell you that there IS hope. I am not going to say that every person out there will have their miracle baby. But I WILL say that you are not alone. I feel blessed. After a lot of painful years, LOTS of drugs, shots, and LOTS of prayer, we were blessed with our miracle baby. He is ONE years old now and time is moving fast. He has rocked our world in the best way. Every day feels like a miracle to us. We appreciate every moment with this boy. J

After all is said and done I can honestly say that I am grateful for the trial of infertility. It’s not easy. It has opened my eyes and made me aware of others. Infertility doesn’t have to define you, but you can choose what you do with it. I am amazed at the community of women I have met along this journey. All these women are strong and inspirations to me.

If you are not struggling with this issue, chances are you know someone who is. Be patient and kind to these women. They are strong and fragile all at the same time. I have a great article on my blog of what NOT to say. Try to be understanding that infertility is as painful as loss. To those of you dealing with infertility REACH OUT! There are so many people with you struggling right now who need someone to talk to. I have met lifelong friends through my blog. Aubrey is one of them. J  I know that it feels dark and lonely, but I promise there is hope! And it’s worth it to focus on that. I have never been happier in my life and I am now excited for what the future holds! J

Her infertility blog: Ovulation success

Guest Blogger: Hoping to Adopt (Nate & Kenzi)

Kenzi and I met in 2003 and clicked the first day of beauty school. We had such a connection, loving doing hair but love going out camping and getting dirty. We had many fun girl trips and fun times. When I left on my mission, Kenzi met her husband, Nate. When we did our IUI Kenzi was the one I talked to a lot on the phone, or texted her for strength. She was a tough cookie. I broken down a lot and she just knew what I was going through. We both started out as puppy mommies and still share our love for our furbabies. She and Nate are going to be AMAZING parents one day, and I hope I can help get the word out to others about their adoption. While they are relaxing and enjoying their 6th anniversary in Hawaii here is a copy  of their adoption journey. 

Kenzi, Shy, and me in Park City, UT

Kenzi, Nate, Bella and Bud...

 Nate and I have been married for almost 6 years and can not wait to expand our little family! Don't get me wrong I love Bella and Bud (our 2 dogs) but I can not wait to be a mom!

For the two of us family is EVERYTHING!!! We live close to most of our family, and we enjoy spending time with them. As future parents we want create a loving family environment for our children. We hope to have an open loving relationship with our child's birth family. We want to create a plan that is best for everyone involved. We truly believe that our future children should not only know where they came from, but also know about the loving, selfless and incredible decision that was made to place them in our family.

With that said, here is a little more about the two of us...

Where it all began... In truth went to high school together but never spoke to each other. (Even still today, the debate continues between the both of us of who was just “TOO COOL”) We officially met after Nate returned from his mission. We were introduced by mutual friends, and it was history from there on...

Our first date was nothing short of eventful… Nate wanted to go on a "short hike" which ended up being an all day ordeal. He was in horrible physical shape, and wasn’t yet use to the high altitude. He passed off his exhaustion by stopping to "see the great view". Needless to say, we got lost a few times, but I was happy to oblige his "knowing of where he was going" and "taking in the great views" From that point forward we were together practically every day, and 9 months later we were engaged…

About Nate (By Nate)

I am a highly motivated person, and I enjoy attaining all of my goals and aspirations. I care deeply for my friends and family members. I am very observant, and I enjoy my own unique comedy! I like being active, and recently I have trained to compete in triathlons. I love sports! Playing, watching, and doing anything sports related! I played sports while growing up so it has been a lifelong passion. I love going to Utah Utes football games with my wife and family. I played for the Utes football team for two years while completing my Bachelor’s Degree in Accounting, and will forever be a fan!

About Nate (By Kenzi)

Nate is dedicated, loving, and entertaining. He loves to make people laugh. He especially loves football, and enjoys other sports as well. He enjoys training and competing in triathlons. He is extremely hard working, and he is a great provider for our family. Although Nate looks like a big tough guy, he is a giant teddy bear. Nate loves family traditions, and he cherishes spending time with our family during the holidays. Every Christmas he dresses up as Santa Claus for our nieces and nephew! His version of Santa often times includes a southern accent! He has been my rock! He is supportive of everything I do! I’m one lucky girl, and I cannot wait to see what an amazing dad he will be!

About Kenzi (By Kenzi)

Where to start… I am a tomboy turned into a Salon and Spa Education Director. So to say I like a lot of different things is pretty accurate. I love being active and have always enjoyed sports; however at the same time I love make up, hair products, and clothes! I love camping and getting dirty, but enjoy getting my hair done and having freshly painted nails. With that said, all of the material things would mean nothing without my family and friends. I am extremely blessed to have the support system that I do. I love my family more than anything, I and cannot wait to share the same blessing with my children.

About Kenzi (By Nate)

Kenzi is hard working, determined, and passionate about everything she does. If she starts something she is going to finish it! Kenzi loves to spend her time walking and playing with our two dogs Bella and Bud, working out, and spending time with family. She loves holidays, birthdays, and any other reason or excuse to celebrate and have a good time. She loves surprises, but only when she’s the one who is doing the surprising! She loves music, and she can often be found dancing with the dogs! She’s is fun, loving, and is going to be a great mom!

We hope this has helped you get to know the two of us a little bit more. We know that although adoption is going to bring us so much joy that it is a difficult and complicated process. We cannot express enough gratitude to you for considering adoption. Thank you for taking the time to read a little bit about the two of us.

With much love and gratitude, Nate and Kenzi

Nate and Kenzi's Blog

Adoption profile on It's about love.org

Guest Blogger...."Twins" Elise Eggett Johnson

I am so happy to start off my Guest bloggers this week! 

Today meet Elise and her amazing sweet twins, Maia and JD.

Elise sister in laws are my best friends and Elise and I have become close like family. We often joke that our kids are cousins because we share the same fertility Dr. Even when I lived on the east coast and was in the dark days of my infertility journey, Elise would send me inspiring books that really helped me.  Some of those books have been borrowed by others and I hope the chain keeps going. 

Today is the second birthday of my IVF-ICSI twins. In the midst of the first year of multiples, I didn't know how I would survive - after eight days each baby at a different hospital (the NICU at one and the PICU at the other) and a close call on day five, we had six months of hit-and-miss sleep training with our son, and then our daughter's major spinal cord surgery on their six month birthday (because she was born with spina bifida) put us back even more when it came to getting consistent rest. But today, looking back, I can't believe how quickly it's gone and how fast they are growing up. I have a lot of great memories of the first year even though it was hard.

After being diagnosed with specific fertility issues that would make it difficult for us to conceive with out significant intervention, we decided to skip the baby steps and go straight to IVF-ICSI. The hormone treatments made me feel horrible both physically and emotionally, but I knew what the goal was and didn't mind whatever it took to get there. We were incredibly blessed to get pregnant - with twins to boot - on our first round. Throughout the difficulties of having newborn twins, having gone through infertility completely shifted my perspective. No matter what we went through with our twins when they were born, I believe I had a stronger appreciation for my newborns because of the patience, energy, physical demands of IVF, and money we had invested into them before they were even conceived.

The last six weeks of my pregnancy I suffered from a pregnancy-induced liver disorder called cholestasis that made my skin itch so badly I would daydream about scratching it with sandpaper or a wire brush until it disappeared. The condition was also threatening to the pregnancy, and I was not allowed to carry our babies past thirty-six weeks. During this time, I remembered the couple of years when I would tear up shopping for gifts for pregnant friends and buy ten pregnancy tests every time I was an hour late on my period - hoping, hoping, hoping for a positive - and the discomfort of my condition was bearable. 

Another perspective shift I had from our twins began when our daughter was less than five pounds. At only five days old, we almost lost her due to a bad reaction to a sedative she was given for an MRI to assess the severity of her spina bifida. When she was wheeled away for the MRI, she was healthy and happy, sucking on her blue hospital-issued pacifier and wrapped in a warm, soft blanket. The next time I saw her, several hours later, she was having seizures, on a ventilator, hooked up to all sorts of EKG wires, and not looking well at all. The tape from the ventilator covered most of her face so all I could see were her closed eyes. Because our son was still at the hospital I had given birth at, in the NICU, my husband was not there with me when I was first allowed to see my daughter post-MRI. It was one of the scariest and lonliest moments of my life. As I poured out my heart in prayer for my little girl, I felt a very profound, comforting peace like nothing I had felt before, and although I didn't know if she would live, I felt ok (even though I was still sad for her and scared). Something in that feeling left a very strong impression on me that I had known my daughter for much longer than the 8 months I had carried her, like somehow my soul knew her deeper than I could explain and we had chosen each other for this life. This experience set me on a journey that has brought me a deeper relationship with my Heavenly Father and testimony of his divine, eternal plan for families than I have ever before had.

Between the efforts we went to in order to conceive, the difficulties late in my pregnancy, and the experiences I had with my children during their first week of life, I have not been tempted to take my time with them for granted. Being woken up in the middle of the night, changing diaper blow-outs, and even now, entering a phase where stuff is getting broken and the house is never clean because two toddlers are kind of like two tornados; all it takes to stay calm is a quick memory of how badly I wanted children during our infertility struggles and how blessed we were to keep both of our precious babies especially with the struggles early-on.

The most difficult part of infertility to me is that it seems there are so many babies being born into this world unintentionally, and without a strong family intact for them to take part in. And I have been awakened to this world of married couples, with all the love and family and security a child could ever need, who even when they are as intentional as science will allow, are unable to conceive. It is hard to find reason or justice in that. I don't understand why so many people are struggling with these issues, but I do know there has been good in my life from the difficulties getting pregnant. Perhaps it can be narrowed down to simple economics - that which we have to work the hardest for, we value the most. Infertility also taught me that I can't control my universe, and helped me to really see that although I may impact much of my circumstance, I rely on God for everything I am given - my story only had one treatment with very happy results, but the experience still taught me a lot and changed the way I view my world.

To all those struggling with infertility, I would say keep focusing on what is good about your life. Don't get so caught up in what is missing that you forget to be grateful for what you have. Allow yourself to feel the disappointment of not having the baby you want, but try to find things in life that allow you to feel joy and hope as well. Feel free to tell others you don't want to talk about it! People can be nosy. Feel free to tell others you DO want to talk about it! Sometimes those who could help you the most are hesitant to bring it up unless you do first. Your journey may end up in a pregnancy, or may end up in a totally unconventional (but joyful) type of family that you never imagined. Try to be open to the ways you can be a mother even before you are pregnant or nurturing children through another means. Keep growing and hoping! There is a light at the end of the tunnel even on days it feels dark.

You can follow her journey with twins on her blog at: 

http://joshandmaia.blogspot.com/

National Infertility Awareness Week April 21-27, 2013

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It's already Tuesday of our awareness week but we are going to catch up big time!! 

I have reached out to most of my dear infertile friends to share their experience and any tips that can help you. Most of the time just reading these stories gives me hope and strength by numbers! I love these women and so many have touched my life through my struggles.
I hope you read their story with a sensitive heart. It is never easy talking about.
Thanks,
xoxo
Aubrey

HOPE

I heard on the news last night that they named the newest member of the Clydesdale family, HOPE. Today as I sit and think back on this past week and how I had so much hope. I was really thinking all these aches and pains were coming from something good, only to find out my period has come much much earlier then before. That's never a good sign. It only means my body is more confused.
I hope for  a lot of things....
and right now I hope our family will grow.