I am so happy to start off my Guest bloggers this week!
Today meet Elise and her amazing sweet twins, Maia and JD.
Elise sister in laws are my best friends and Elise and I have become close like family. We often joke that our kids are cousins because we share the same fertility Dr. Even when I lived on the east coast and was in the dark days of my infertility journey, Elise would send me inspiring books that really helped me. Some of those books have been borrowed by others and I hope the chain keeps going.
Today is the second birthday of my IVF-ICSI twins. In the midst of the first year of multiples, I didn't know how I would survive - after eight days each baby at a different hospital (the NICU at one and the PICU at the other) and a close call on day five, we had six months of hit-and-miss sleep training with our son, and then our daughter's major spinal cord surgery on their six month birthday (because she was born with spina bifida) put us back even more when it came to getting consistent rest. But today, looking back, I can't believe how quickly it's gone and how fast they are growing up. I have a lot of great memories of the first year even though it was hard.
After being diagnosed with specific fertility issues that would make it difficult for us to conceive with out significant intervention, we decided to skip the baby steps and go straight to IVF-ICSI. The hormone treatments made me feel horrible both physically and emotionally, but I knew what the goal was and didn't mind whatever it took to get there. We were incredibly blessed to get pregnant - with twins to boot - on our first round. Throughout the difficulties of having newborn twins, having gone through infertility completely shifted my perspective. No matter what we went through with our twins when they were born, I believe I had a stronger appreciation for my newborns because of the patience, energy, physical demands of IVF, and money we had invested into them before they were even conceived.
The last six weeks of my pregnancy I suffered from a pregnancy-induced liver disorder called cholestasis that made my skin itch so badly I would daydream about scratching it with sandpaper or a wire brush until it disappeared. The condition was also threatening to the pregnancy, and I was not allowed to carry our babies past thirty-six weeks. During this time, I remembered the couple of years when I would tear up shopping for gifts for pregnant friends and buy ten pregnancy tests every time I was an hour late on my period - hoping, hoping, hoping for a positive - and the discomfort of my condition was bearable.
Another perspective shift I had from our twins began when our daughter was less than five pounds. At only five days old, we almost lost her due to a bad reaction to a sedative she was given for an MRI to assess the severity of her spina bifida. When she was wheeled away for the MRI, she was healthy and happy, sucking on her blue hospital-issued pacifier and wrapped in a warm, soft blanket. The next time I saw her, several hours later, she was having seizures, on a ventilator, hooked up to all sorts of EKG wires, and not looking well at all. The tape from the ventilator covered most of her face so all I could see were her closed eyes. Because our son was still at the hospital I had given birth at, in the NICU, my husband was not there with me when I was first allowed to see my daughter post-MRI. It was one of the scariest and lonliest moments of my life. As I poured out my heart in prayer for my little girl, I felt a very profound, comforting peace like nothing I had felt before, and although I didn't know if she would live, I felt ok (even though I was still sad for her and scared). Something in that feeling left a very strong impression on me that I had known my daughter for much longer than the 8 months I had carried her, like somehow my soul knew her deeper than I could explain and we had chosen each other for this life. This experience set me on a journey that has brought me a deeper relationship with my Heavenly Father and testimony of his divine, eternal plan for families than I have ever before had.
Between the efforts we went to in order to conceive, the difficulties late in my pregnancy, and the experiences I had with my children during their first week of life, I have not been tempted to take my time with them for granted. Being woken up in the middle of the night, changing diaper blow-outs, and even now, entering a phase where stuff is getting broken and the house is never clean because two toddlers are kind of like two tornados; all it takes to stay calm is a quick memory of how badly I wanted children during our infertility struggles and how blessed we were to keep both of our precious babies especially with the struggles early-on.
The most difficult part of infertility to me is that it seems there are so many babies being born into this world unintentionally, and without a strong family intact for them to take part in. And I have been awakened to this world of married couples, with all the love and family and security a child could ever need, who even when they are as intentional as science will allow, are unable to conceive. It is hard to find reason or justice in that. I don't understand why so many people are struggling with these issues, but I do know there has been good in my life from the difficulties getting pregnant. Perhaps it can be narrowed down to simple economics - that which we have to work the hardest for, we value the most. Infertility also taught me that I can't control my universe, and helped me to really see that although I may impact much of my circumstance, I rely on God for everything I am given - my story only had one treatment with very happy results, but the experience still taught me a lot and changed the way I view my world.
To all those struggling with infertility, I would say keep focusing on what is good about your life. Don't get so caught up in what is missing that you forget to be grateful for what you have. Allow yourself to feel the disappointment of not having the baby you want, but try to find things in life that allow you to feel joy and hope as well. Feel free to tell others you don't want to talk about it! People can be nosy. Feel free to tell others you DO want to talk about it! Sometimes those who could help you the most are hesitant to bring it up unless you do first. Your journey may end up in a pregnancy, or may end up in a totally unconventional (but joyful) type of family that you never imagined. Try to be open to the ways you can be a mother even before you are pregnant or nurturing children through another means. Keep growing and hoping! There is a light at the end of the tunnel even on days it feels dark.
You can follow her journey with twins on her blog at:
1 comment:
This is awesome! Thank you for sharing! :) Such a great idea Aubrey!
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