My husband and I had a real good heat to heart at midnight in our car tonight. I can't explain it all right now but he was trying to help calm me down. He said what are the 3 things you really wish for right now, and I just want to share wish #1 with you because most people that go through inferitlity feel this was and no one knows.
1. I wish I could feel like my old self again.
I am such a sad, bitter, angry, hateful, broken person inside. The only people that see this side of me is my husband and good friend who are going this same but different infertility struggles. I hate that I really to hate others that are pregnant. Mostly I can't be around them because I am so emotional about not being pregnant that I avoid the situation at all coat. Joe and I hate it when another pregnancy is announce on facebook, heck I'm so depress sometimes that I hate it when anyone announce any time of pregnancy.
I hate myself the most for having these emotions and I feel like I need to see a good shrink for all my hatred. It's not good for me and not good for my body.
Why do some people have to get pregnant with no trouble at all and why do some struggle for years and years?
I don't know
But I am learning a lot about others feelings.
I feel more compassion for those that go through trial. For anyone reading this, please know this blog is my vent. It's part of what calms me down and helps me be the kind of person I can be again when I write this all down and try to move on day by day. Also for anyone that comes across this struggling with infertility problems or just a darn hard trial in life, it's okay to struggle and voice about it.
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