A good day

I really had a good day. I wasn't busy at work and I didn't break down wanting to run on the spot. I had a chance to talk more with my prego co worker and felt like I'm back to myself and being truly happy for her.
I know this is all because of my faith in the lord, Jesus Christ has been strengthen through scripture study and prayer and many blessings.
It's been one good day, with the faith and hope of many more to come.

The Rules

taken from a blog friend. She gets the writing credit. Her blog

I appreciate your support and comments. Please read these rules before participating:

Don't Tell Me to Relax
By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

Don't Minimize the Problem
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?Different people react to different life experiences in different ways.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say We Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone could say is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why We Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
IVF is Expensive with Low Odds
IVF is Physically Taxing
IVF Raises Ethical Issues

Don't Offer Unsolicited Opinions If/When We Try IVF
On the flip side of the coin, don't offer unsolicited advice to your friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make, for all of the reasons outlined above.

Don't Play Doctor
Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose, and reading an article or book on infertility will not make you an "expert" on the subject. Let your friends work with their doctor to diagnose and treat the problem. Your friends probably already know more about the causes and solutions of infertility than you will ever know.

Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you. The fact that she is willing to be a part of this time in your life, despite her pain, speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Me Like I Am Ignorant
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About My Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Don't Push Adoption, Foster Care, or any other option
The couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption/foster care decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

more fertility talk

I want to share a great article I read today on people.com

Nicole Kidman shares her struggle with having kids and without going into details she said something that just hit me hard,

"Anyone that's been in the place of wanting another child or wanting a child knows the disappointment, the pain and the loss that you go through trying and struggling with fertility,"

amen, Nicole. see full article here

I had a great client yesterday that was so excited to share her news with me that her husband and her are starting ivf next month. It was the first talk we had with each other about starting our families. I was so excited for her because I knew what she felt.

I shared with her my wonderful mom's thoughts when I thought I lost all hope because of so much disappointment.

At the end of the day I have to remind myself just because I'm not getting pregnant now does not eliminate my dreams of becoming a mom. I will do all I can to one day hold a baby in my arms and call them my child. I just have to come to realize this will be a moment of time in my life that will test my faith and hope.

Ugh

I had to stop making myself so upset. I deleted our blog and signed off of facebook. Until I can learn to be happy for others and not get so upset I have banned myself. It's pure torture and this time in my life.  I have been so happy not knowing what everyone else is doing. When you are going through a trial or struggle in life the last thing you want to see is everyone else happy or having what you don't have. Like BABIES... Everytime I signed on someone else was announcing they are expecting. While month after month now we have dealt with failure, well at least failure to me. More like disappointment. Losing hope. Losing the end picture of becoming a family.
The hardest part of all of this is no one that has gone through this pain can even come close to know how to comfort.

Becoming the dog walker

I'm back home being a wife and dog-mom.
When I was back in CA I took my moms dog, Charlie III, hiking everyday and it felt soo good to start my day that way. I can't wait to hike the CA mountains. When I got back here I started walking champ before I took Joe to the metro and has been so good for my health and mental state.



Look how happy he is to have me back home.

a trip to California

I was completely miserable and depressed. I felt like a walking robot, walking and talking how I know normal people do but without any feeling. I became a different person, people at work started noticing how I was in my own world. It became the same routine until one day my boss got me talking and suggested I needed some time away in California with my mom.
I was awake again, I knew some TLC is what I needed. I jumped on the plane the next day having a sleepless night weighing down the pros and cons of going to CA for something that seemed so little.
I'm here in CA and had only 1 cry day!! I have found that I need to change my mind set of focusing everything on getting pregnant and enjoy life right now. I knew that is what I needed to do but until someone took me out of my everyday routine and told me it would all be okay could I feel any better.

a ray of hope

It's been almost a week straight that I have just cried and cried for the unknown. I've talked to friends in similar situations and felt temporary comfort, I've heard the words of a carrying mom to easy my pain. Word from a husband to settle my anger, a powerful priesthood blessing well over due but just not asking. It was words from a loving Heavenly Father that told me how to press forward with faith, but most of all PATIENCE. All day today I was remember the sweet blessing my husband gave me and the power of knowing of his love and the love of my Heavenly Father.

When I have avoid everyone else on this earth so I could think more about how depress I was, I finally answered a father's phone call. I have it pretty good when not only have I always looked up to my dad as an amazing priesthood holder but also a church leader. He was very concern and sensitive about my FEAR of starting a long trial of starting our family. I knew and still know one day we will have children, however the Lord see's fit to bring them to us, but when I was talking to him I realized how scared I was to have to face this trial. Why did I have to feel this way? He recognized my pain, hurt and anger and knew they were real, but told me to get to studying the scriptures more to feel my Heavenly Fathers help and love.

He told me stories and made me realized although the only thing that can keep us away from our Heavenly Father is sin. and the biggest sin I was making was made known unto me, that I was letting Satan allowing me to be miserable like himself. Thats all satan wants from us, to be completely and utterly miserable like him and I was allowing myself to go through that.

I googled LDS family services and found great spiritual insight. I read through scripture and what I came across first was
DOCTRINE AND COVENANTS 101: 16
".....be still and know that I am God."
I control a lot of my everyday choices, but this is one I need to let go and remember every single morning, every single hour and someday I need to get on my knees every moment and remember "aubrey, be still.....God is in control and he knows everything"

Our story

Life is just a beach!

Joe and I grew up in Southern California. All we have known is gorgeous weather and the sand between our toes. 

Before we met:

I'm 11 months older then Joe to be exact. When he started high school I was a sophomore. We went to the same school that first year and don't ever remember a time meeting, but I do remember the Mormon kids were a close knit group of kids. 

After the Lords work:

Joe and I both served missions for our church (The Church of Jesus Christ of latter-day Saints, AkA: Mormons) He was serving in south Chicago, Spanish speaking. and I was in the middle of the country in Kansas, using my American Sign Language skills. 

The first sighting:

Just a week or two after I got home my mission my brother dragged me to a "mormon night"out at the local MLB game with the institute. I remember sitting a few rows behind Joe and his friends. My girlfriend sitting next to me said, "Aubrey, you should date Joe. He is so nice and handsome and he just got home from his mission too!" 

A few weeks later, I saw Joe again outside of church activities. I was dropping off my mom at the movie theaters to meet my dad for a date. As she was getting out of the car, Joe was coming out with his dad from seeing a movie. We did the awkward wave (I know you go to institute with me but I don't know much more then you are good looking)

Our first "date":

After talking to each other and flirting on Memorial day at the beach he started asking every night to hang out. We hung out at our friends house with a bunch of good mormon kids until the weeee hours. Finally thursday he asked for a haircut and friday I called him up to join a bunch of friends that were going camping down on the beach and surfing. HE had forgotten that he was schedule to take a girl out from institute to "get to know" her better, but he made sure that I knew he was still up for going camping after the "date". yes, our date was the 2nd of the night. My brother and I slept in our tent and Joe brought his own. We walked down by the beach and had a real nice time. 

Sightings: 

We saw each other everyday after that, we couldn't get enough of each other. We are both suborn and opinionated which made for great fights. A week later we went on a official date. 

The Date:

Joe took me on a group date with his 2 best friends and their dates (whom I love and know). We went to ESPN zone for dinner and I don't remember much because that was the night he kissed me for the first time and that is all I remember. We all drove together and when we were driving home and I was resting on his shoulder when he couldn't stand it anymore he lend over and kissed me. Earlier that night my gf that was on the date asked Joe's friend why hasn't Joe kissed Aubrey yet, and his answer was along the lines of "some girls we kiss just to kiss and some girls we wait because they are marriage material. 

and the rest of the night I was on cloud 9. 

Engaged:

While I was on a family vacation 3 months later he and his friends made a video of all the places we have been to and all the memories we made. When I got back home he made me to go to institute that night along and said he would be there later because he had to help his dad out for work. All along he had it all planned out to propose right after the lesson. I sat there trying to read my scriptures but I was really pissed that Joe hadn't shown up yet and the class was almost over. When the teacher finished his lesson he asked for a female volunteer, but  just ended calling me up. They played the whole video that Joe made in front of the class and at the end Joe walked in and got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife, and of course I said YES!

Married:

We were sealed in the Newport Beach, CA Temple 4 months later on January 2, 2009. 

Life pursuing a family: 

I went off of birth control 4 months after our wedding. We weren't trying to get pregnant until 8 months after, and we had just stop caring about using protection and just hoping it would happen without trying to figure everything out. I've always wished I could just get pregnant and not realize it until months later. Finally I was making good money and we found a great insurance plan that would allow me to get pregnant after a month. Usually insurance makes you pay for maternity up to a year before you can start trying.  Last Sep. 2010 I decided to go see my OB/GYN to do a check up and get just simple lab work done. I told her we were going to try to get pregnant. (but in the back of my mind I knew we could have gotten pregnant in the last year, but I figured if we actually tried it would just happen). A month later I was back in seeing her for very painful periods. I started looking back and realized I was missing a lot of days of work because I wasn't able to stand during. She wanted me to take more iron and do a ultra sounds and pelvis exams. When everything came back normal I just though, just a few more month and we'll be fine. The next month I was back in again for more pain and discomfort. (not to mention the sadness you go through when you realized you aren't pregnant that month and then have to deal with pains so bad you can stand. We looked into different things it could be and tried to help it each month, but it never got better. We finally took a cruise for our 2nd anniversary and I secretly just hope more relaxation was what I needed, but once again, I felt like we failed.

The dark time:
The winter was getting dark and so depressing. I couldn't stand going on to facebook because everyone else seemed to be so happy and fertile. Everyone around me seemed to be getting pregnant, even in Hollywood, every other day another star would announce their exciting news. I wanted to be happy for these people but I couldn't. I started to feel so much hatred towards them. Even my closest friends were getting pregnant and when I couldn't take it anymore I shut down. my co-workers said I just looked lifeless. I didn't talk to anyone. I looked like their was no hope in my life. This went on for weeks, it killed me inside. My husband did everything he could to help me. Every time he helped it was temporary comfort for me but I also went back to being depressed. I was crying daily sometimes multiple times for no reason.This for me was and still is the hardest part of living your life. Nothing seems to matter but what I can do to be able to have a family. I wanted to see a therapist. I felt so dark in my life.

Finding Happiness:
Reading books like "no one can take your place" by Sheri Dew and "If life were easy, it would not be hard" really helped me jumped back to my spiritual side. I realized I needed my lifeline to my Heavenly Father to be as strong as possible.  My boss came up to me and said" Aubrey, what is going on in your life?" I just broke down and cried. I couldn't even get out what I could say to her. I told her I would talk to her at the end of the day more. When we talked again I had even more tears, I wasn't sure what I was going through or what i needed. I just wanted to feel like myself again and be happy and smile.  My boss told me to take some time off and go see my mom. She just knew some California sun and mom time would hopefully help me out of this funk.  I feel so blessed because I was able to leave the next day to California.

Present time:
We are still hoping to have a family and have started more test to see what treatment is best for us at this time and if they will work.
This is a very hard issue to deal with and I thank you for your love and support.

About Me

   

This is us, yep...Joe and Aubrey Richardson. This was taking on the day of our 2nd Anniversary. 

Before we talk about today, I want to tell you about our family. 

Joe: grew up in the middle of 2 brothers and when his dad remarried he gained 3 more brothers and a sister! wow, 7 under one roof. Must have been a crazy bunch. yep, I heard all kinds of stories. 

Aubrey: I also grew up as a middle child, with 2 brothers and 1 younger sister. We were loud  bunch too.

we spent most of our time between disneyland and being at the beach/pool. 

We both love growing up in southern California.

When we met after our missions (joe: south Chicago, spanish speaking. me: ASL Missouri independence)

We met and fell madly in love oh so quickly.

I was a nanny that summer and Joe babysat his nephew often and we would meet up at the lake and walk the kids around in the strollers. Probably the first time in the first month I feel in love with having a family with Joe Richardson. 

Before the wedding I though, meet the right guy, follow the spirit and when I feel it's right to start a family I would just know and it would just happen. I never had any trial in my life, why would it start now?

me, joe and the cute girl I watched the summer we dated