How do we find Joy?

It was exactly a year ago that I left DC for a much needed pick me up vacation. It was dead of winter and we had just passed our year mark of TTC.
Exactly a year later I was sitting at church during a lesson on how do we find Joy?
A rush of emotions came back to me.
Remember when I was depressed? Remember when I couldn't see the light? Remember when my boss came up to me and said I hadn't been looking well and acting like myself and asked if I needed sometime off? (oh what  a blessing that was)



Here are some things to ask you about yourself?

• What do you see in the mirror?
• Is the girl you see in the mirror happy? Why?
• Is the girl you see the girl you want to be?
• What do you like most about the girl you see?
• What would you like to change about the girl you see?
• What are the talents and blessings of the girl you see?
• What do you want for the girl you see?
  
  As I sat during this lesson I remember thinking to myself, how did I find any joy during my trail? I know I wasn't perfect...but I know the only time I felt comfort was studying the words of the Lord. It was scripture time, Ensign time, any talk from the Prophet or other church leaders. I tried to give up my self and serve. service is the best medicine....not easy to do I know but get out and service. Find happiness in serving others. I think of all that have to go through struggles and pray for you, but my heart aches for the women and men in general that try to find it on their own happiness....or deny the powers of God and Priesthood.
  This month of February think of how you can make more of your Joy...increase it as much as possible is my challenge to you! 

Secret Society of a Women

I heard on the New tonight all this talk about Beyonce's new baby. 
One thing I didn't know before was that she had a miscarriage before this one. The journalist talked about 1 in 4 women will have a miscarriage and talk about how many "Hollywood" people are coming out sharing that personal information.
One star, Lisa Ling and a co-founder started a website called
Secret Society of a Women

What you’ll find here is that no matter what the topic may be, you’re not alone.
Everything women can experiance during their lifetime is on here. You don't even have to claim your real name. You can just vent. 

Hope we can all start feeling more supportive of each other and be more sensitive about struggles others may be going through.

it's everywhere...

Infertility women are everywhere and you don't see it.
Since announcing my pregnancy I have gotten many emails from people I knew 7 years ago to recent that I had no idea where going through this and reading my blog to understand that it's normal to have these feelings, that we aren't alone. I have been very touched and want to keep connecting people for support.
One website I loved visiting

Fertile Thoughts

it's a forum board for women with any issue:
infertility
adoption
pregnancy

high risk pregnancy, bed rest pregnancy, pregnancy after miscarriage or loss.
pregnancy after IVF, IUI, over age of 35.

A great reminder from a friend

I was reading my friends blog today, one I have shared many many times about baby Ruby and her family.  She really reminded me that it is the destination that matters.

Journey....I feel like I have used that word so much during these past 2 years. I am in no way saying my situation is like Ani's but she help me to understand how I can heal in moving on with being

pregnant after infertility.

That is where my hurt comes from. I have changed, I have suffered....I am not the person I planed to be or in the place I planed for 3 years ago when I was getting ready to marry Joe.
I'm sure most of you have already come to realized this....
we plan for the best and think "that will never happen to me" We try to make our journey a yellow brick road full of joyful days that are so amazing.

My friend talks about losing her baby and feeling like everyone around should knowledge her lost, know what to say and how to say it.
When I read this I thought to myself (beside my heart breaking for her still), that is what I've been feeling inside. Now that people are finding out that I am pregnant I am going out of my way to make sure this hasn't been easy for me or that I had to do fertility treatments (which by the way....sooo grateful for)

I loved when she says that road doesn't exist! It hit me like a ton of bricks! I need to get over this in due time and change myself, my perspective. I can not continues going on still hating other when they announce they are expecting. I will drive myself to misery and loneliness.

She has reminded me....we can't plan for the journey, we must focus on where we want to end up, our destination. One of my favorite EFY themes was Joy in the Journey. That can still apply as I am now learning to have joy in this time and the time before. I can not have Joy if I lose sight of my end.

To continue following her blog go to here.
Also, In memory of Ruby on her birthday they are doing a run in RSM, CA
signing up and showing support!
Click here for her foundation and more information.

It's a gummy bear!

written on Oct. 25, 2011

I had my weekly blood work and ultrasound again yesterday. Joe wasn't able to come with me so I invited my mom. Being a first time grandma and having only had 1 ultrasound during her 4 pregnancies I knew she would be amazed at the technology. I got ready for Dr. A to come in and right away we found the baby and saw the heart beating again. This time the arms and legs are growing and it had the shape of a baby/ant/gummy bear. It was just a miracle to see him/her grow!!!
p.s. I'm still feeling great!

2nd and 3rd Ultrasound

Can I just say things getting better and better every week.
During my first trimester I have to still see Dr. A with weekly ultrasounds and blood work.

The 2nd ultrasound was great! We got to compare our picture from the last week.
The 3rd was surreal! It was the 7th week and we were able to see the heartbeat. The little black dot turned into a real baby to me. I could see the heartbeat. It was just amazing. I just wanted to cry and cry but didn't. I felt it inside me. beaming. I was the luckiest girl in the world world.
This amazing man that I married almost 3 years ago is so excited to be a dad and I could not be more excited to start our family!!!

4th and 5th beta and 1st ultrasound

written on Oct. 7, 2011

Last week my parents and husband and I drove up to Utah for my dad's business award dinner night and General Conference. We had to drive because I'm still consider high risk pregnancy and can not fly during my 1st trimester. (nor can a do a lot of other things normal pregnancy can like EXERCISE :(  )but I am more then happy to sit these things out for a month or two more.
I was able to set up blood work for 2 days we were up there like my dr. wanted. He made sure that my numbers were going up as planned and hoped.
Thurs. morning my numbers jumped from 73 to 168! Then saturday morning to 341!! I was beyond excited  and starting looking forward to my 1st ultrasound on Tuesday.
I still was feeling fantastic, no morning sickness or nausea feeling.
We knew that it could still be to early in the pregnancy to see something, but talking with my dr right before he assured me that if something was in there he would find it.
knowing we are pregnant is one thing, but seeing it on the ultrasound was so real, and I hear it just keeps getting better every week.
Now I'm back to my once a week blood work and ultrasound with my RE (not every 2 days).  I can't say enough how blessed we feel to be able to have this amazing baby.
Right before we left the Dr. office Joe asked Dr. A how common it was for the IUI to result in pregnancy the first time and he just stared back and point blank said, " common? not at all"
with that said I am just in awe of our baby, as any soon to be parent should be!

3rd Beta

Written : Sept. 27, 2011

I am feeling great! So good that I have decided to go up to Utah this weekend with my side of the Family for Conference. So my beta numbers today more then doubled.....
My HCG is now at 73!!
I'm just so happy it is doubling and hoping this doesn't turn at any point. My nurse today was very concern I was going to be far and if something does happen to me. I just can't get to that point because I have had gut feelings all along that I listen to. I knew before I was pregnant that I was, I knew (even though scared half to death) that my numbers were going to double. I know that I will have an ultra sound the morning after I get home and by then I should be able to see something in my uterus ( or at least Dr. Anderson will know what to look for). I feel confident that we are going to have this child and carry this baby full term.
With that said, tonight is my first night having my husband give me my shot of progesterone. All my IVF friends out there understand this because with IVF it's standard. I'm just glad they are doing everything they can to monitor me. I have been there for 4 out of 5 days and know they are making sure this baby grows. It also helps that my high school friend works there and tell the nurse to make sure I am doing good. for instant, when I first started the progesterone vaginal inserts you are suppose to lay down for 10-15 mins after to help and not leak out so much, well my friend told the nurse to tell me 30mins, and well I ended up laying there every time for 1  1/2 hours or 2, just to make sure!!!! well it did the trick, I didn't have any leak out!

progesterone injections

Written on : Sep. 26, 2011

With the call yesterday about my beta (HCG) numbers going up but not my progesterone they were a bit worried. So my husband and I went in today to learn how to do the shots.
Progesterone comes in 4 different ways

1. Oral pills- you take them daily and boast your progesterone. although you have more side effects and it has to go through your liver and may cause damage. its the least affective. 
2. Gel- you have something that you fill up with progesterone gel and place it in like a tampon and "shoot" the gel up there.
3. vaginal supplements- this reminds me a lot like yeast infections. You put a pill capsule and "shoot" it up. this isn't seen in the blood work often.
4. Oil base- Progesterone comes in a oil form that you put in a needle and have to shoot it in your lower back/upper butt muscle.
   

2nd Beta

Written on Sep. 25, 2011

Since Friday I have been giving myself progesterone pills, not orally but vaginally. I've been hoping this works. I just got my call about my my blood work from this morning.
The best news in the world:
my HCG levels almost doubled!!! they went from 18 to 32!!! I don't care about the number anymore as long as it's getting higher!
The hard news is my progesterone is the same and I can not continue to carry this baby if my progesterone doesn't get higher too.
So, tomorrow they are switching me to the oil base. I have to go and learn how to give myself a shot and hope that gets my progesterone up. This baby is a fighter! We are learning this all and this new world seems so foreign to me, but I am beyond thrilled to be here, lying in bed. I was told to take it easy so I thought bed rest was the best way to do so.

Beta prison

written on Sep. 26, 2011

So yesterday was exciting, but after a few hours looking online I just got so depressed. No one ever said they had as low of a number as mine. Everyone was well into the hundreds. The worst I saw was 57, ya not to great, but compared to my 18...I look pathetic. It was hard to stay positive. At the same time I read that with only 1 beta (blood test) you can not compare because you don't know what your numbers are doing and as long as they are going up you are good. So now I just have to wait until tomorrow and pray that they go up, hopefully double but at least go up. Anything lower then they expect a miscarriage soon. so scary, and can't sleep. I feel like I am in prison with my beta numbers.

When they do a blood test usually they hope to see over 12, they considered that pregnant.  Usually if the number is on the low side you are most likely going to miscarry or beat the odds.
For this reason alone, I did not get excited at all. I was going to wait until I saw an ultrasound to know and believe that I am pregnant.

The call...

Written on : Sep. 23, 2011

I have been waiting for the nurse to call all day.
My husband and mom did everything they could to keep me busy. The best thing was all the fall TV shows started up again this week and we watched a few up and coming shows.
When my phone finally rang I ran away into the office to get the news.
Deep in my gut I knew I was pregnant, but I had gotten a neg test this morning so I was so confused!
I answered my phone and my friend from high school who works at the office called first to tell me slowly, you are pregnant, BUT your numbers are on the low side so they want to do more.
I tried to take a deep breath and realized what I was feeling was right, but that I still had to overcome some things in my way.
When the nurse called me she told me the same thing and set me up for another blood work on Sunday in 2 days and wanted me to come over to get my vaginal pills for progesterone.
So 1st time IUI with clomid and HCG shot it is a positive!
We are Expecting!!!!!

pins and needles...

Written on : Sept. 23, 2011

I need to hurry and write down my feelings before the nurse calls to give me news...

I haven't slept well this whole week. Usually up around 5 or 6 and back to sleep at 7 to 9. It's been hard having feelings down there and not knowing if my period was going to start any second. I've been happy and confident that this worked this time and then I've been so low and scared that I'm still going on with treatments. All in all my family and friends are the ones that got to me today (Friday) my blood test! Everything keeps going over in my head, with all the signs I have to be pregnant, but what if I'm not...can I really fool my brain that much to think I am. (That wouldn't surprise me)
I'm trying to figure out who I need to tell and who I need to lie to. I've been so open about my infertility treatments that I never thought what I need to do when I do get pregnant. I have always been sure in waiting until I'm out of the 1st trimester to announce my pregnancy (especially with all the drugs and test I've been through you never know what your body will do).

2WW

written on : Sep. 20, 2011

Anyone who has every tried to get pregnant and wait to take an at home pregnancy test knows about the
2 Week Wait
Their is nothing you can do now but wait...and see.
It's a hard time. For the past 20 months I have been very anxious during this 2WW, luckily I wasn't until the last week, just days away from finding out.
I started feeling some symptoms
These symptoms are just alike to your period symptoms, so it throws you off every time. Of course one this has been different this time.
Implantation bleeding
Justmommies.com says this: 
After ovulation the egg travels into the uterus and burrows into the lining of the uterus. For some women implantation will cause slight bleeding or spotting. This is called implantation bleeding. This is sometimes confused for an early period.
So far I have not had an early period and we are calling it implatation bleeding!!!
This is great news. I understand Miscarriages can still happen at any given time so I can't be to excited, and I haven't had my dr. confirm the pregnancy, but golly guys things are looking good right now and I'm beaming on the inside.
Just a few more days and we will know!

Whoo hoo- good blood levels

Written on Sept. 16, 2011

So I went into the Dr. this morning to get my blood drawn and see how my progesterone levels are. If they are low I have to go on more meds, but that won't be the case because they called and told me the great news!!
They hope your levels are above 10 at this time and mine are 22!!! That calls for a celebration. Out to dinner with friends we go!