Today show Savannah Guthrie sends love and prayers

Infertility is all around. I feel like the more and more I speak openly about this topic the more I feel so many others are starting the same journey.
I saw my aunt and uncle post this article from the Today Show and I wanted to post it up on my blog since its so great to read.

Savannah's Maternity Musings

Savannah Guthrie: 'Love and prayers' to those dealing with infertility

I recently read (and posted on Facebook) my friend Bobbie Thomas' honest, funny and touching essay about going through IVF. I am always impressed by Bobbie, but in this case, even more so. She is amazingly strong — not just to go through the insanely arduous IVF process, but also to share it and to take the arrows that sometimes come with going through life's ups and downs on national television.

She even coined a hashtag to capture her message in social media parlance: #nomorewhispers. And that's the spirit in which I write this week.

Bobbie raised something so important that I've thought a lot about, given my current circumstances. I've been so overwhelmed and blown away by the kindness, heartfelt joy and good wishes for me as I've gone through this pregnancy journey in front of the whole world — or at least our TODAY audience.

But one thing I've thought a lot about, and worried about, too, is how one person's joy can be painful to another person going through their own struggles. This is something I understand personally, and something those struggling with fertility have to deal with every day — whether they are turning on their television or going to work or just hanging out with friends.

Samantha Okazaki/TODAY

Ah, those little baby onesies -- so cute, but even something innocent and sweet can be a hard reminder when you are struggling with infertility.

A poster on my Facebook page recently shared her experience. She was really candid about how difficult it was to see her friends getting pregnant and having babies, and having to attend baby showers and coo over new kids, while she herself was struggling to start a family. On top of that, she felt guilty for feeling that way. I think we can all relate to that: feeling bad because we feel bad.

(By the way, Facebook is the place everyone posts their pictures of smiling kids or joyous engagements or exciting new adventures. This is wonderful and as it should be, but it can be excruciating if you are struggling and wishing for some of those experiences for yourself to no avail.)

I can remember many difficult times in my personal life when even just turning on the TV could be painful — everyone seemed to have it together and I felt totally alienated by the happy, well-adjusted people on TV who didn't seem to struggle.

So, in the spirit of Bobbie's candor and courage, I just want to send love and prayers to all those who are going through difficulties of their own. What I wrote back to the young woman on Facebook is what I truly believe: be compassionate to yourself. What you're going through is one of life's most difficult challenges. Things will get better, but in this moment just do the best you can, and be sure to be as gentle and kind to yourself as you are with others.

Waiting for it to grow

Yesterday turned into the longest day ever! It was great news on Sunday we had 1, but it means nothing if after 2 days the cells are not growing. So I knew today would tell us that information. 

My dr has always called anytime after noon so I my phone charge and on me with the loudest ring so I wouldn't miss it. Time slowly crept along. I put brinley down for a nap and just waited and waited. I was actually having a good time researching out the best acupuncturist for me, and I found her and made an appt for next Monday.

Side note- acuptucture during IVF can really help tr blood flow to help more eggs and follicle grow. So we've decided to add it in.

We have also decided weather this 1 embryo was good or not we would freeze it if good and take a month off then do another round of egg retrieval. My dr calls this batching and for us it's the best thing we can do right now.

So with that said I didn't think I was nervous for his call. I felt like I had a good idea of how the next 3-4 months will continue to go. When it was 2 I clock I started having more anxiety and why he hasn't called yet. By 2:45 I have thought of the worst so I called his office and left him a message to call me back.

It wasn't until almost 4 that he called back and quickly said the embryo is growing and would call me again tomorrow. 

Great news!!! We are thrilled that not all my eggs are old and bad. It gives us another chance to get more good ones next round. Thank you all for your text and phone calls and email help!! I do not know how people can do this alone. It takes a village to go through IVF!!

ONE

Anyone who has been through this process knows you don't know how many embryos you have until right before you are ready for the transfer. So when the Dr told me at my Egg Retrieval I knew the numbers were just going to go down from there. They fertilized 4, and today we found out we only have 1. I can go on and on how much I cried and how much I felt like this is over, but I have to stay positive and hope and pray for this one embryo. I know when we had Brinley she beat a lot of odds, even from the very beginning my dr called and said my blood work with her said I was pregnant, but it was so low that I would probably miscarry. Yet, she didn't..she fought and she stayed. So I need to find that faith and hope again for this embryo.
For now I will wait until Tuesday and we will have a few decisions to make then.

Hope

To say I was a hot mess yesterday is a understatement. 

I called two of my closest friends that have both been through IVF and asked them about what I was going through and if they had heard anything like this before. They both said I had every right to freak out but in the same breath give it another day or two before I think all is lost. 

I kept distracted all day today and decided to wait until my dr said, and that he would call me Sunday to let me know how many have made it to the next step. This is making me feel more confident. We still have a journey till we even implant it then after too. So fun to wait and wait

possible failed ICSI Fertilization

While the first day after your Egg Retrieval is usually the happiest filled with hope and wonder how many of your egg fertilize.
I was simply one of the unlucky ones that didn't have my eggs make it to fertilization.
While I was waiting all morning for my Dr to call with the results, I knew the longer and longer the wait, the worst of the news. While I was getting our 2 year old out of the pool and ready for nap, my Dr. called and I didn't even hear to the phone.
In the nicest way possible he left a message letting me know that yes they were able to get 6 eggs, and after waiting the 6-8 hours to see how many are mature. By then, only 4 had made it and they  performed the ICSI (they take one sign sperm and inject it into an egg, making it impossible to not just fertilize, unless your me I guess) So with 4 being injected they have to sit and wait until the next morning to see the signs that it had fertilized. I guess they were just waiting it out trying to see if anyone of them would and not a sign that one had fertilized. On his message he did say he would check back in Sunday because maybe it could still happen, that we still had hope, but I think he was just saying that maybe there is a 1% chance of that happening.
I guess I can only hold my breath until Sunday now.

My husband called back and the nurse said she would check the lab tomorrow and give us a call Saturday to see if there is any hope.

Egg Retrieval Day

It's was a great morning. We got to sleep in have some pillow talk with ms brinley in our bed.

Call me crazy but I had time it all out.

It was a good morning, everything got done perfectly and I had a great time relaxing at the surgery center. 

It's hard not to have a good time when you are getting perfect pictures of your daughter back at home like this....

Here we are right before they are wheeling me in. After they gave me the good drugs to relax me and then when I went in the room they put me out before I could remember a thing.

When I woke up from recovery I remember looking at a clock. A few days earlier I remember them telling me that I would have until about noon to wake up and so I was watching the clock because I just wanted to lay there and sleep.
By the time noon came around I was fully awake and knew they would sent me on my way. We got in the car and came home. When I got home I went right back to sleep and rested the rest of the afternoon.
Earlier in the day (when I was fasting) I was dreaming about sushi, so I told Joe if I feel up to it I wanted to go out for Sushi that night.
He got Brinley in bed for me at 7pm and we were out for dinner by 7:30. I stayed out way to late, but it was worth all you can eat sushi!!!
It was a good, easy day for an egg retrieval.

Pre-Op, IVF appointment # whatever

Today was the worst day of them all.
I woke up to the worst migraine and I had to get to the drs early. I didn't know how I was going to make it, but I thought if I start moving and get my routin I would be okay. 

I grabbed a water and chocolate protien shake and started driving. I was also running late because I was trying to sleep in longer to make my migraine go away. 

As I drove I made myself more and more car sick. As I pulled into the parking lot, grabbed my parking ticket and knew I needed to throw up. I hurried and pulled into the handcap parking spot, got out and ran over to the bushes and threw up my chocolate drink. The worst was getting all over my white shoes and pants. I was so disgusted.

Thankful for baby wipes I cleaned up best I could and headed up to the drs. 

This time they only did blood work and talk to me about my pre op procedure for the next day.

We finished everything up, and although I wasn't feeling nausea at the time, I still wasn't feeling great.

I started driving back home and just a few stop lights in I felt sick again. This time I was the first car stopped at a red in a huge intersection ( crown valley and margarite). 

I had no choice but to open my door and vomit outside. I was so afraid the light would turn green and I'd still be throwing up. Luckily it was a long light and as I started driving  again I knew I had to pull over. I finished throwing up all my breakfast and made it home. Crawled in bed and slept the rest of the day.

Thank heavens I made it through that day, and hope tomorrow is better.

IVF appointment #10

CD- 18!

Wow I can't believe my poor responding ovaries took this long to get the size we need. My dr came to conclusion today that we are ready to schedule my egg retrieval! Whoo! Tonight at exactly 11:30 my husband will give me my HCG shot that will make me ovulate in exactly 36 hours and my ER will be exactly 34 hours so we can hope to get the most mature eggs. Fingers cross 

IVF appointment #9

This will never end.....
Today's ultrasound was showing a lot more hope. I was so happy and chatty that I didn't want to keep track of the follicles and sizes. I did notice the 2 Huge follicle on my right side and talked to my Dr. about it later. To sum it up he told me my body is finally responding better and he doesn't care to go under to grab those 2 because he has often found huge follicles can have no egg in them, so our focus is on the other ones that are almost mature and the ones that are already.
So again...we are going on 2 weeks of follistim (IVF drugs). I have been moody, but soo soo grateful we are able to do IVF and I just hope the best for the egg retrieval later this week.

IVF appointment #8

Today was a very hard day.
There was not much progress and to me it even seem like some we're not growing at all. I was bummed about of a lot of things going on and not to mention moody, very very moody.
Thanks IVF
Hope to get all my babies soon!

IVF appointment #7

We were out camping last night with the extended family and I woke up early to be able to drive to the Dr's other location that is open on weekends. 

I got my blood work done, and instructions how to measure out my HCG shot and give it. 

We are getting real close to the retrieval, the follicles are growing nicely, just not anymore. So they say around 7-8, which seems crazy to me but I've come to terms that this is the cards I've been dealt with and it's okay.  

I got the call from the nurse this afternoon that my dr looked at everything and is keeping my dosage up to 250 for follistim and I'm doing another stim tonight. Looks like I'll be triggering tomorrow night and egg retrieval probably Tuesday. 

IVF appointment #6

We are now on daily appointments here.
I went in this morning knowing things were getting closer and the number I have now will be close to the number of mature eggs we get.
Both my Dr and I were very bummed that my ovaries are just not responding well for IVF.
I had 8 measurable follicles.
4 on each side.
I want to be bummed out and say Dr.s want to see 20 or more follicles but I have to once again just stay positive. So here is what I'm telling myself....
these could all be great quality eggs,I do have small ones that could hurry and grow over night and become amazing eggs for us to work with, and they can all survive the brutal freeze and unfreeze of IVF and they can all surpass PGS & PGD testing and come back normal.
Right?

Appointment #5 and more

Since I can't remember what happened during my appointment today, this will be short. I know I had 1-2 more follicles that they were able to measure, nothing really promising though I thought.
After my appt. I was in a lot of pain so I called my Dr and went in for an urine sample because I was pretty positive I had a bladder infection. A few hours later I was right and taking some antibiotics that were helping.
On top of that Brinley spiked a fever in the middle of the day and we have both just been snuggling bums on the couch.
Hope tomorrow is better, just glad it wasn't side effects or OSHH.

IVF appointment # 1-4

So I feel ready to write this all down while I can still remember.
I started my cycle on May 31, so I went in on day 3 to see my Dr. for my baseline apt.
We did an ultrasound and blood work and everything looked normal.
I started that night on only the follistim shots at 225. I was to do this for 3 night then go back in for monitoring.
I went back in Thursday which was CD 6 and even though I thought I was feeling bloating and fatigue already, it was just a fluke. everything looked good at that appt. and I continue what I was doing. Two more nights of follistim at 225 and back in on Saturday, CD 8.
This morning I had 2 measurable follicles on each side and smaller ones showing. I was very discourage thinking I would have a lot more, but I have to keep telling myself we want quality over quantity for sure!
They showed me how to do another shot in the morning that will keep my body from ovulating at all. We kept my follistim the same but added menopur to the mix
Another two days of that and I went back in this morning...
we are now measuring 3 folliciles on one side and 4 on the other. slowly we are progressing here.
My Dr. called me and didn't want to change a thing, he said things are still looking good and to keep it right where it's at. I'll go back in two days from now.

Timeline IVF Cycle-
CD-1 (may 31)- started period
CD-3 (June 2)- Baseline appt. Blood work/ultrasound
CD-6 (June 5)- Blood work/ ultrasound small follicles showing
CD-8 (June 7)- Blood work/ ultrasound measuring 2 follicles on each side plus small ones, started Ganirelix to prevent premature ovulation and added in Menopur for nightly shot with my follistim
CD-10 (June 9)-Blood work/ ultrasound measuring 3 & 4 on each side plus small ones