Written on Aug. 20, 2011
About a week ago I decided I was going to take a jump and see a infertility specialist. I had a friend recommend one of the best in the area and decided I wanted to make that happen.
Joe has been very supportive of me and doing whatever needs to be done to get our family. We have been so blessed to not have one single student loan (due to baseball scholarship) so we thought it won't hurt to not let the money issue scare us away. This is what we came here for, to have eternal families.
We were so lucky to get an appointment a week later, that is just unheard of in any medical field, so I believe it was fate.
For some reason the night before I woke up at 1:45am and had the worst cramps. I couldn't sleep, I was in pain and I didn't know why (this was in between my cycle, not implanting cramps or anything else I have read up on) after a few hours later and some bathroom trips with a mix up dry-heaving. I was able to get some sleep!
I was so exhausted when I woke up I wasn't even sure if I should go see dr. A.
As the day went on, I got more and more anxious to start this. I got all the paper work together, made even a binder. With all my past medical records and notes and my list of my cycles. I was ready.
Joe and I both said how nervous we were when we got off the elevator. It was the unknown to us. All the Dr. before him have just told me to go home and try again.
It was such a nice office with no one else rushing around. I felt such a piece and was so impressed that he took the whole hour with us. Talked to us, explained everything to us. We decided to start our plan. It was a sense of relief when we left.
I had a feeling coming over me that someday when I leave these doors I'll have a baby in my arms, and I am so grateful for that hope and reassurance.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
In a slump
Hey friends,
Things have been crazy around here. I can not tell you how emotional draining this month has been for me. I'm still undergoing fertility treatments and doing the best I can.
It's a raining day here in CA and I feel like I'm not doing the best that I can. I still hear pregnancy announcements and even though I have worked so hard to feel so happy for these friends I can't help but feel so alone again. Inferitlity Sucks!
love,
Raining day aubrey
Things have been crazy around here. I can not tell you how emotional draining this month has been for me. I'm still undergoing fertility treatments and doing the best I can.
It's a raining day here in CA and I feel like I'm not doing the best that I can. I still hear pregnancy announcements and even though I have worked so hard to feel so happy for these friends I can't help but feel so alone again. Inferitlity Sucks!
love,
Raining day aubrey
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
sending love to all who are struggling
Recently I have been on fertility message boards. Getting to know others personal self without knowning who these people really are. This is a undergrounds friendship. I have created some of the best bonds with people I won't have otherwise. Old best friends have reconnect through similar situations. I'm so grateful for my support team that is going through or as been through what I have. It can be a long dark road for some and little comfort is out there in the "real word" of have sex and you'll get pregnant.
Tonight I think about my friends who have struggled in anyway (which is all of us) and how our trials have impacted our life. I'm so very sorry for any trial you have to go through and want to take them away sometimes, but then again for those that I have talked to who are almost or out of that trial....you are incredible.
Life was not made to be easy, but you sure made hard look good.
Tonight I think about my friends who have struggled in anyway (which is all of us) and how our trials have impacted our life. I'm so very sorry for any trial you have to go through and want to take them away sometimes, but then again for those that I have talked to who are almost or out of that trial....you are incredible.
Life was not made to be easy, but you sure made hard look good.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
new meaning
I just found out this weekend
it's not called selfishness
it's simply self- conservation
it's not called selfishness
it's simply self- conservation
He knows me
I have been pondering to share more on this though or to keep it very private, but what is that going to do for me. I've already learned it, more importantly I felt it and know it.
Their will come a time in your life when you are going through some sort of difficulty and as normal you feel lost and confused. Many times asking why? or whats next?
When it gets so dark and we are so stubborn to turn towards the Lord we seek elsewhere. We can feel like our Lord and Savior are no longer cheering for us to succeed in life but have just completely forgotten about us. Our emotions are like a yo-yo. Sometimes we are fine and sometimes we want to crawl into a dark hole for the winter and not come out for a good year. Sometimes we give up on ourselves.
This is where we are wrong.
I was in tears crying when a dear friend of mine who I grew up with told me a few weeks ago about a feeling she had.
We had not talked to each other in years, but still we close. When she came into town and we went out to catch up, I opened up about my fertility issues. She and I sat and cried as she told me a story that happened to hear a month or 2 before our meeting up. She was pondering who she could add to her prayers, not knowing why she said my name came so clear to her. She didn't doubt for a second why? but did as she felt prompted and prayed for me for quite some time. It was a tender mercy, this dear friend who I had not spoken to was my angel. The Lord knew I needed prayers and because my friend was in the right place (the temple, at the right time (when I needed help) she was ready to be my angel. She was very aware that I needed to know this and needed to know whatever I was going through Heavenly Father is right here and is aware of every prayer. I know he hears me...when I'm crying in my sleep, he hears me.
Tonight as I listened from a witness of Jesus Christ, in his talked he made it known many times that the Lord knows what we are struggling with and wants us to show him we know and remember the commandments. It was another Tender Mercy in my life. He may not ease or take away my burdens and trials but he will carry me through them.
Their will come a time in your life when you are going through some sort of difficulty and as normal you feel lost and confused. Many times asking why? or whats next?
When it gets so dark and we are so stubborn to turn towards the Lord we seek elsewhere. We can feel like our Lord and Savior are no longer cheering for us to succeed in life but have just completely forgotten about us. Our emotions are like a yo-yo. Sometimes we are fine and sometimes we want to crawl into a dark hole for the winter and not come out for a good year. Sometimes we give up on ourselves.
This is where we are wrong.
I was in tears crying when a dear friend of mine who I grew up with told me a few weeks ago about a feeling she had.
We had not talked to each other in years, but still we close. When she came into town and we went out to catch up, I opened up about my fertility issues. She and I sat and cried as she told me a story that happened to hear a month or 2 before our meeting up. She was pondering who she could add to her prayers, not knowing why she said my name came so clear to her. She didn't doubt for a second why? but did as she felt prompted and prayed for me for quite some time. It was a tender mercy, this dear friend who I had not spoken to was my angel. The Lord knew I needed prayers and because my friend was in the right place (the temple, at the right time (when I needed help) she was ready to be my angel. She was very aware that I needed to know this and needed to know whatever I was going through Heavenly Father is right here and is aware of every prayer. I know he hears me...when I'm crying in my sleep, he hears me.
Tonight as I listened from a witness of Jesus Christ, in his talked he made it known many times that the Lord knows what we are struggling with and wants us to show him we know and remember the commandments. It was another Tender Mercy in my life. He may not ease or take away my burdens and trials but he will carry me through them.
going back to the basics
Tonight we had a wonderful church meeting, with a wonderful General Authority. It was tonight I realized my change in life. I wondered how a person can change multiple times in 20 months, but I have. I was reminded of a great primary story...
The wise and foolish man-
We learned in the song that both of these men built houses.
The foolish man built his on the sand
The wise man built his on the rock
and then the rains came down (hurricanes)
It hit me like a ton of bricks....
we will ALL go through one or many trials in our life. Those times you just want to yell....Life Sucks!
But we must remember where we have built our life...on God and Christ.
or the foolishness of the world.
When things get hard do we cry and run away and hate life? (well maybe for a little bit to grieve)
or do we take this time to come closer to the Lord and figure out what he wants for our life?
It's hard to put these thoughts into words, but it again reminded me when I was so angery with life and when I felt like giving up, but decided to give up to the Lord first and see what he can make me. Well, I'm far from being at the end, but I must say I hope I have learned one thing..
to be more sensitive to others, understanding of trials and hardships.
I could not go through these treatments without knowing that I have a very close relationship with my Savior and Heavenly Father.
The wise and foolish man-
We learned in the song that both of these men built houses.
The foolish man built his on the sand
The wise man built his on the rock
and then the rains came down (hurricanes)
It hit me like a ton of bricks....
we will ALL go through one or many trials in our life. Those times you just want to yell....Life Sucks!
But we must remember where we have built our life...on God and Christ.
or the foolishness of the world.
When things get hard do we cry and run away and hate life? (well maybe for a little bit to grieve)
or do we take this time to come closer to the Lord and figure out what he wants for our life?
It's hard to put these thoughts into words, but it again reminded me when I was so angery with life and when I felt like giving up, but decided to give up to the Lord first and see what he can make me. Well, I'm far from being at the end, but I must say I hope I have learned one thing..
to be more sensitive to others, understanding of trials and hardships.
I could not go through these treatments without knowing that I have a very close relationship with my Savior and Heavenly Father.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
pampers...
I hope you have seen this. It just makes my heart melt!
Thanks Pampers....you have my vote just because you are helping everyone understand that their isn't just one way to be a parent!
Thanks Pampers....you have my vote just because you are helping everyone understand that their isn't just one way to be a parent!
Thursday, September 8, 2011
A new day, a new attitude
I woke up by myself this morning. I just needed a night to cry it all out.
Here's what I came up with. This is my time I need to be selfish. I don't need to worry about what is happening with everyone else right now. I'm in a good place and need to stay that way for treatments to work with me. I'm excited where Joe and I are at with our Dr. I can't let silly pregnancies make me go crazy.
So for now my friends, I'm being very selfish....and that is how I'll cope with hard times.
and thanks for the comments of love and support I really do look forward to your inspiring words. and thanks for uplifting words through texts even though you know this sucks and what to say it too. You bring me back down to life and closer to God.
THANK YOU!
Here's what I came up with. This is my time I need to be selfish. I don't need to worry about what is happening with everyone else right now. I'm in a good place and need to stay that way for treatments to work with me. I'm excited where Joe and I are at with our Dr. I can't let silly pregnancies make me go crazy.
So for now my friends, I'm being very selfish....and that is how I'll cope with hard times.
and thanks for the comments of love and support I really do look forward to your inspiring words. and thanks for uplifting words through texts even though you know this sucks and what to say it too. You bring me back down to life and closer to God.
THANK YOU!
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
it hurts
Gosh, why can't it be me? I feel so numb.
I don't know how of you still do this...year after year and test after test. (infertile friends)
My treatments have just begun and I can't handle another pregnancy announcement.
I literally tears me up and I have to leave and take a drive to calm down.
This is when I realized I have come to that point, I need professional help in my mental state.
So, I'm looking into great support groups on
http://resolve.org/
and
LDS Family Services
breath in,
breath out
breath in
breath out
gotta get some rest for tomorrow, night.
I don't know how of you still do this...year after year and test after test. (infertile friends)
My treatments have just begun and I can't handle another pregnancy announcement.
I literally tears me up and I have to leave and take a drive to calm down.
This is when I realized I have come to that point, I need professional help in my mental state.
So, I'm looking into great support groups on
http://resolve.org/
and
LDS Family Services
breath in,
breath out
breath in
breath out
gotta get some rest for tomorrow, night.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Another one bites the dust....
I've been saying this to myself since the first month I wasn't pregnant and someone else announced they are expecting....
I should be happy, yes...instead. I just tell my husband "Another one bites the dust"
Well, that is what I would say in my head while I would cry and think how unfair life is. and gosh darn it, life is unfair....so what? That is why we complain.
The Mr and I were talking on a drive somewhere about what I am going to be like when I am pregnant and someone else announces they are expecting. will I drop my sisterhood bond with you lovely infertile ladies and go sour and join the popular club, I mean Mom's club... oh I hope not.
I don't know how I'll be, because I never thought I would be this angry at someone for something I can't have. Oh jealousy gets the best of us sometimes.
So I've decided not to hangout with friends (I'm still open on the blog about my hard times, but talking about it face to face to others is another thing)
It seems like every new friend or old friend I have, if I started hanging out with them its no time at all before I get the big news.....They are expecting. So that leaves me and my hunny home most weekends because I refuse to make friends now, and I'm perfectly okay with that. I'll have time raising kids to have play dates and go to the park and make friends. (sorry ladies, I don't want to watch your belly grow week by week).
Well, Here's to another month....that I go infertile.
I should be happy, yes...instead. I just tell my husband "Another one bites the dust"
Well, that is what I would say in my head while I would cry and think how unfair life is. and gosh darn it, life is unfair....so what? That is why we complain.
The Mr and I were talking on a drive somewhere about what I am going to be like when I am pregnant and someone else announces they are expecting. will I drop my sisterhood bond with you lovely infertile ladies and go sour and join the popular club, I mean Mom's club... oh I hope not.
I don't know how I'll be, because I never thought I would be this angry at someone for something I can't have. Oh jealousy gets the best of us sometimes.
So I've decided not to hangout with friends (I'm still open on the blog about my hard times, but talking about it face to face to others is another thing)
It seems like every new friend or old friend I have, if I started hanging out with them its no time at all before I get the big news.....They are expecting. So that leaves me and my hunny home most weekends because I refuse to make friends now, and I'm perfectly okay with that. I'll have time raising kids to have play dates and go to the park and make friends. (sorry ladies, I don't want to watch your belly grow week by week).
Well, Here's to another month....that I go infertile.
Shark week at the Richardson's
My sister gave us this idea, and my husband absolutely loved it...
The dreaded week or more when I get very irritable and I start my period.
maybe because my husband feels a little like this...
and well....it's going to be a bit different this month too....I'll be on crazy drugs (which by all means if I get pregnant with this treatment I'll be all for this stuff)
Wish us luck! and pray for Joe..haha
The dreaded week or more when I get very irritable and I start my period.
maybe because my husband feels a little like this...
Wish us luck! and pray for Joe..haha
Sunday, August 21, 2011
When we open our hearts and minds to others
I grateful for reminders from friends. Ones that live close and those that live far. I'm reminded in times of trial to pull out my journal and just start writing of all the wonderful blessings in my life.
Even if each of us did this they would all be different. None is better then the other, just different. All list would be the same important to that person. I'm sure with different trials in our lives we place that blessing at the top. I will always be grateful for my country and those that serve for this country. so grateful!
Today I realized what is happening to me. I am changing completely as a person. not worst and not better, just maybe older.
Even if each of us did this they would all be different. None is better then the other, just different. All list would be the same important to that person. I'm sure with different trials in our lives we place that blessing at the top. I will always be grateful for my country and those that serve for this country. so grateful!
Today I realized what is happening to me. I am changing completely as a person. not worst and not better, just maybe older.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Husbands know how to deal with us best
With every couple that struggles with infertility, I'm sure we can all say our husbands have really seen us in our true colors.
This was the day I noticed it, and well I'm still in denial that I over reacted (I'm not even medicated yet, oh help me now) but when I was reading Elise's comment about how I can seem positive in person and on the phone but when she reads my blog it reminds her of her days.
I do try to be more open with telling people, I've always been a more open person but I feel like when I write I am able to not feel like a crazy person in the grocery store screaming at her husband (oops, that happened today)
Kudos to all the husbands out there that have to make his clomid wife happy while everyone else is popping out kids. Even thought we have been living with my family for the past few months....they have not seen the depressed aubrey that joe has. So, what happened today....
First of all, I married my husband for a reason (we are great together, I kid around that he is so much like one of my best friends in guy version) He loves to be sarcastic (he has cut down on that since he realized how sensitive I can be), He jokes around, loves to be positive about everything (this was hard when I didn't believe we could have kids and he did...I would get so angry at him and tell him he isn't God and doesn't know everything).
Well, at the grocery store today with my mom and sis, getting more prenatal and he looks at a organic baby oneise and we start commenting on it. Then out of no where he says just a few feet away " You should get on that and make one of those!" oh I've never been so pissed at him! Out of all people he should know what WE are going through! Well, a few hours later and we patched things up.
until the next blow up.... remember to give your hunny a hug because he is sticking it through...all your true colors.
This was the day I noticed it, and well I'm still in denial that I over reacted (I'm not even medicated yet, oh help me now) but when I was reading Elise's comment about how I can seem positive in person and on the phone but when she reads my blog it reminds her of her days.
I do try to be more open with telling people, I've always been a more open person but I feel like when I write I am able to not feel like a crazy person in the grocery store screaming at her husband (oops, that happened today)
Kudos to all the husbands out there that have to make his clomid wife happy while everyone else is popping out kids. Even thought we have been living with my family for the past few months....they have not seen the depressed aubrey that joe has. So, what happened today....
First of all, I married my husband for a reason (we are great together, I kid around that he is so much like one of my best friends in guy version) He loves to be sarcastic (he has cut down on that since he realized how sensitive I can be), He jokes around, loves to be positive about everything (this was hard when I didn't believe we could have kids and he did...I would get so angry at him and tell him he isn't God and doesn't know everything).
Well, at the grocery store today with my mom and sis, getting more prenatal and he looks at a organic baby oneise and we start commenting on it. Then out of no where he says just a few feet away " You should get on that and make one of those!" oh I've never been so pissed at him! Out of all people he should know what WE are going through! Well, a few hours later and we patched things up.
until the next blow up.... remember to give your hunny a hug because he is sticking it through...all your true colors.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
I'm not going to lie...
Today just sucked!
I sit here and want to complain about my horrible inferitility day when all I can think about is my dear friend Ani, and her sweet little girl Ruby Jane. Ruby is up at UCLA hospital waiting for a liver donor. She is only 8 months old and today she is fighting for her life. Please pray for the family and pray for the soon to be donor family. I know Ruby is doing all she can to be with us.
xoxo Rubes
www.aniandmatttaylor.blogspot.come for more detail....and while you are there, make sure to sign up to be a donor!
I had to have an emotional break down first at the hospital, then in the car, at home and later on a walk. I think I have gotten out all my tears and I'm ready to move on. If anything little Ruby is giving me strength to never give up. This time here on earth is precious.
I sit here and want to complain about my horrible inferitility day when all I can think about is my dear friend Ani, and her sweet little girl Ruby Jane. Ruby is up at UCLA hospital waiting for a liver donor. She is only 8 months old and today she is fighting for her life. Please pray for the family and pray for the soon to be donor family. I know Ruby is doing all she can to be with us.
xoxo Rubes
www.aniandmatttaylor.blogspot.come for more detail....and while you are there, make sure to sign up to be a donor!
I had to have an emotional break down first at the hospital, then in the car, at home and later on a walk. I think I have gotten out all my tears and I'm ready to move on. If anything little Ruby is giving me strength to never give up. This time here on earth is precious.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Reminders
I want you to know I'm still blogging about what is going on, but won't be posted until 3 months later...(for privacy reason)
I noticed today whenever I come to my blog to post, I re-read my 2 quotes on my heading and they remind me that this shouldn't be easy, I'm not making this into a bigger deal...and sometimes when I think no one still cares, I remind myself that this blog is to one day have and maybe share with my children of the struggle I have gone through to have them in my life. I want them so bad it hurts sometimes.
I have really felt my depression ease as I grow more spiritually. It's been a long time feeling bad, but I had a sting tonight. It reminded me that it still hurts that I can't have kids on our own.
but, with all that said....I feel like I will have a different outlook raising my kids....I hope I have more patience because I'll remember the hurt and loneliness I had when they weren't around and I wanted them so bad. I hope that I will wait longer then usual to raise my voice or ground them, but I have never felt such a urge for so long (going on 20 months now) to have them in my life.
Good things are around the corner, I know that. They have to be just out of my reach to push me. This is my trial in life and I have come to accept that. I'm still learning how to talk to people about it, or not break down and cry in public, but I have felt the love from so many I have shared my hurt with. People are really caring and I know this is getting me through this hard time.
I noticed today whenever I come to my blog to post, I re-read my 2 quotes on my heading and they remind me that this shouldn't be easy, I'm not making this into a bigger deal...and sometimes when I think no one still cares, I remind myself that this blog is to one day have and maybe share with my children of the struggle I have gone through to have them in my life. I want them so bad it hurts sometimes.
I have really felt my depression ease as I grow more spiritually. It's been a long time feeling bad, but I had a sting tonight. It reminded me that it still hurts that I can't have kids on our own.
but, with all that said....I feel like I will have a different outlook raising my kids....I hope I have more patience because I'll remember the hurt and loneliness I had when they weren't around and I wanted them so bad. I hope that I will wait longer then usual to raise my voice or ground them, but I have never felt such a urge for so long (going on 20 months now) to have them in my life.
Good things are around the corner, I know that. They have to be just out of my reach to push me. This is my trial in life and I have come to accept that. I'm still learning how to talk to people about it, or not break down and cry in public, but I have felt the love from so many I have shared my hurt with. People are really caring and I know this is getting me through this hard time.
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