off with clomids head!

Tonight is the last night I take my clomid and so far it hasn't been a big problem for me. I felt very bloated for a few hours last night and a bit crampy but nothing bad.  Last night I was up 3 times with Brinley and I had that thought...wow, am I ready to get up again with a newborn?

Then I thought...I don't think anyone is ready but when you see your newborns face you become more than human, you become a mom. And like most moms I know, they will do anything to not let their child feel pain when they don't need to. 

first day of Clomid

So I started taking Clomid at night because I heard it can make you tired. So my first full day was on day 4, with no side effects to complain about. I'm already getting so excited about this and can not wait, I've gotten back into looking into all the baby stuff and what came out new this past year.
I've also started preparing my mind and body for pregnancy. Thinking about getting pregnant again and having a newborn around made me realize I knew absolutely nothing when we had Brinley. I didn't even have nursing bra until my mom ran out and got some when Brinley was a day old. Like most things when you have done it once you know some what to expect. I fully expect though a completely different pregnancy and birth, and even though Brinley is a perfect child and the best sleeper ever....I know this one won't be. (I can still hope though!)

ultrasound check up

I went in this morning (sep. 2) to have the Dr. do the ultra sound to check the lining of my uterus and make sure everything is okay to start the processes. They did an internal ultra sound and could measure everything they needed to know. So we went ahead and gave me a prescription for clomid (exactly what we did last time, because it resulted to a great pregnancy). Starting tonight I take clomid for 5 days, I then go back in a week and we have another ultrasound to see how the eggs are developing.
I hope I don't have any major side effect of the clomid, because last time I only had some hot flashes and that is a piece of cake compared to others.

Day 1....tears

Day 1
of any women trying to get pregnant can be the hardest day. It's been my deepest lows and sorrows. This always mean, No baby.
But...today it means so much more! It's a fresh start to our journey to baby #2. We went in a few weeks ago and met with our Dr.
 Like before he said lets go back to what worked for you the first time. He sent us on our way with some homework;
Me: Prenatal, exercise, take care of my body
Hubby: NO SPA (takes about 3 months to build up your soldiers), no long bike rides (same reason)
On the first day of my next cycle I was to call in and let them know.
Let me just tell you I love my little infertility family (everyone in the Dr.'s office). When I call in I always know I'll be talking to 1 of 2 friendly voices that always answers the phones. Then I'll be working with nurses that are great and know on a first name bases too!
I called in this morning, Saturday Aug.31 and told them I started I started my cycle, I talked with my nurse I worked with before. She was so excited we were starting again for baby #2. I have to go in on day 3 for an ultrasound and prescriptions, which happens to be labor day, but because my office is so awesome I am still able to go in and get everything done. until Labor Day....

We're back!!!

I've been going back and forth on this post, but like most things I want to share my struggles and success. I find a lot of peace when I am able to find others to relate to on something I'm so passionate about, and try to help make women feel more comfortable talking about things like this to help pull us together and build each other up.
My passion has been about having a family,,,...with lots of kids.
Now, that Miss Brinley is over a year old we have been coming across the next question everyone seems to want to know as well...."So, When are you going to have another kid?"
I find it odd because it was hard enough to have the first so why would I know when I can have a second?
Joe and I decided after having Brinley we would not prevent being able to convince another child. We knew their is a possibility that we could convince a child on our own without medical interference and wanted the greatest chances of that happening. So with a 2 month old in my arms, I knew their was a possibility to get pregnant right away. But, month after month nothing became of our tries..and we were once again...infertile.
After moving back to our home state, California we got our health insurance squared away and were so excited about infertility being included....like a LOT  excited.
More good news is our Dr and his practice fits under that inhouse coverage.
We set up a date and met with him, again. This time so excited for what lay ahead. Our consultation was a lot shorter this time and a lot more personable, he did however tell us, we will go back to do what worked the first time (IUI), but don't expected it to work on the first try again.
Heavy words, but the reality of it all.
When I blogged about our treatments with Brinley I was so scared of the unknown. I wanted to blog about it but I had no idea what could happen, so I kept the post date 3 months after I wrote the post.
This time around...I will be making it more real time.
I don't by any means want to shout off a rooftop (Facebook) what I'm doing each step. I want this blog to  be a means of those that are curious or struggling as well to find something interesting to read.
If you come across this blog by all means share it with those you think can benefit for gaining a community of support. I will probably go more into details this time around because lets face it...I found it hard to educate myself the first time.
Next step:
We met with our dr. and decided the path we were going to go on with treatments, now we have to wait until I start my next cycle and give his office a call...I know what should happen after that, but I will leave that to my next post.
Thanks for following along!
Here's to baby #2!!

Military and infertiltity

You think you have it hard trying every month to convince when your infertile? I have not stop and think about the life of a military wife or spouse. I already know from family members in the military and friends you never know your day to day schedule and sometimes spouses can be gone a long time or deployed which makes starting a family and timing AND moving  to different doctors can be soooo challenging. My aunt sent me this wonderful interview of a military wife who started a Facebook page to help others in her feet get support from each other.
If you know someone struggling with infertility AND in the military pass this along to them.
I love the out reach people are going through to help others.

Plus I still have others working on their story for last weeks infertility awareness so stay posted, and hopefully I can get around to my story as well (in a nutshell).

interview of military's wife on Infertility

Guest Blogger....Finding their Journey (Kendra & Mark)

I want to remind readers that this is not easy topic for some couples to speak about, it's a very private and sensitive journey they are on and I know you are all amazing but I want to shower each one of these guest with the most love to opening up like this. Please be very kind, this is a real trial and heartache. Thanks! 

I have a deep connection with all my previous guest bloggers, but this one really hits home for me. I have been in Kendra's life since the day she was born. We are lucky to call each other cousins and friends. Our family, like many others have dealt with trails, and we have only grown closer as a family as each trail strengthens all of us as we support each other. My heart goes out to Kendra and Mark everyday, they are that couple that even on their bad days still make every mom and baby feel loved and special. They are going to be AMAZING parents.

For as long as I can remember I've wanted to have children.  I never even really thought about a career path I would want because I just wanted to get married and have babies and be a stay-at-home mom.  When Mark and I got married, we decided to wait a little while before trying to start our family, but deep down, every month I kind of hoped I would just accidentally get pregnant even while on birth control.  After about 8 months of marriage, Mark finally gave in and it was time to start our family!  I was so excited that the time was here and that I was going to be pregnant soon!  The prospect was so exciting and I couldn't even handle that I would have to wait 9 months for a baby to arrive. 

As you may have guessed, I wasn't pregnant that first month, or the next, or the next.  Month after month, I would get my hopes so high and would be sure I was pregnant, only find out that once again, I still wasn't pregnant.  Now, some 20 months later I'm still no closer to being pregnant.  I am infertile.

We've seen many doctors and they all insist that nothing is wrong with either Mark or I but for whatever reason I can't seem to get pregnant.   One of the hardest things about this process is the ups and downs.  The high hopes you get when you think this month is the month, and the terrible disappointment when you find out that it's not.  I know that some day Mark and I will be able to have children.  However, not knowing when that day will come is the hardest part.

Throughout this process I've learned that we are certainly not alone and that many people struggle with infertility.  Chances are you probably have someone close to you that is going through something similar and who is keeping it quiet as well.  

Guest Blogger...."Baby Deklan" Brittany Tashjian

I'm so happy that Brittany wrote something up for my blog this week. We just had the opportunity to meet for the first time, and our babies fell in love! I found her blog and found comfort and peace that I wasn't alone, I would read hers for support and inspiration. It made me want my own outlet to vent on and share with others so they don't always have to guess what I'm going through during our treatment process. We found out we were going in for treatments the same month (She was doing her first IVF and I was doing our first IUI). We were emailing all the time and followed the growth of these two beautiful miracle babies inside us. We have become life long friends and I'm so happy to share with you her beautiful family. 

My husband and I have been married nine and a half years now.  Almost eight of those years were spent trying to conceive. I was diagnosed with PCOS and never really had a cycle. I am still battling with this and probably always will. If I could look back now I would tell myself to enjoy life a little more. Try to relax and have faith. And then slowly those feelings of inadequacy I had then return. It felt impossible to enjoy life with such a heavy burden in my heart. How could Heavenly Father not trust me with one of his precious children? Was I not good enough? It felt painful to know that my righteous desire to be a mother may not ever come true.

 Infertility will ALWAYS be a part of our lives. It was the hardest trial I have ever had to endure. And trust me, I’ve had my fair share of crap thrown at me. Infertility feels unfair and lonely. It was impossible to not feel jealous or compare yourselves to your friends who had two, three, or even FIVE kids by now. I hated people who complained about being pregnant, or a teenager who had an “oops” baby.

I am here to tell you that there IS hope. I am not going to say that every person out there will have their miracle baby. But I WILL say that you are not alone. I feel blessed. After a lot of painful years, LOTS of drugs, shots, and LOTS of prayer, we were blessed with our miracle baby. He is ONE years old now and time is moving fast. He has rocked our world in the best way. Every day feels like a miracle to us. We appreciate every moment with this boy. J

After all is said and done I can honestly say that I am grateful for the trial of infertility. It’s not easy. It has opened my eyes and made me aware of others. Infertility doesn’t have to define you, but you can choose what you do with it. I am amazed at the community of women I have met along this journey. All these women are strong and inspirations to me.

If you are not struggling with this issue, chances are you know someone who is. Be patient and kind to these women. They are strong and fragile all at the same time. I have a great article on my blog of what NOT to say. Try to be understanding that infertility is as painful as loss. To those of you dealing with infertility REACH OUT! There are so many people with you struggling right now who need someone to talk to. I have met lifelong friends through my blog. Aubrey is one of them. J  I know that it feels dark and lonely, but I promise there is hope! And it’s worth it to focus on that. I have never been happier in my life and I am now excited for what the future holds! J

Her infertility blog: Ovulation success

Guest Blogger: Hoping to Adopt (Nate & Kenzi)

Kenzi and I met in 2003 and clicked the first day of beauty school. We had such a connection, loving doing hair but love going out camping and getting dirty. We had many fun girl trips and fun times. When I left on my mission, Kenzi met her husband, Nate. When we did our IUI Kenzi was the one I talked to a lot on the phone, or texted her for strength. She was a tough cookie. I broken down a lot and she just knew what I was going through. We both started out as puppy mommies and still share our love for our furbabies. She and Nate are going to be AMAZING parents one day, and I hope I can help get the word out to others about their adoption. While they are relaxing and enjoying their 6th anniversary in Hawaii here is a copy  of their adoption journey. 

Kenzi, Shy, and me in Park City, UT

Kenzi, Nate, Bella and Bud...

 Nate and I have been married for almost 6 years and can not wait to expand our little family! Don't get me wrong I love Bella and Bud (our 2 dogs) but I can not wait to be a mom!

For the two of us family is EVERYTHING!!! We live close to most of our family, and we enjoy spending time with them. As future parents we want create a loving family environment for our children. We hope to have an open loving relationship with our child's birth family. We want to create a plan that is best for everyone involved. We truly believe that our future children should not only know where they came from, but also know about the loving, selfless and incredible decision that was made to place them in our family.

With that said, here is a little more about the two of us...

Where it all began... In truth went to high school together but never spoke to each other. (Even still today, the debate continues between the both of us of who was just “TOO COOL”) We officially met after Nate returned from his mission. We were introduced by mutual friends, and it was history from there on...

Our first date was nothing short of eventful… Nate wanted to go on a "short hike" which ended up being an all day ordeal. He was in horrible physical shape, and wasn’t yet use to the high altitude. He passed off his exhaustion by stopping to "see the great view". Needless to say, we got lost a few times, but I was happy to oblige his "knowing of where he was going" and "taking in the great views" From that point forward we were together practically every day, and 9 months later we were engaged…

About Nate (By Nate)

I am a highly motivated person, and I enjoy attaining all of my goals and aspirations. I care deeply for my friends and family members. I am very observant, and I enjoy my own unique comedy! I like being active, and recently I have trained to compete in triathlons. I love sports! Playing, watching, and doing anything sports related! I played sports while growing up so it has been a lifelong passion. I love going to Utah Utes football games with my wife and family. I played for the Utes football team for two years while completing my Bachelor’s Degree in Accounting, and will forever be a fan!

About Nate (By Kenzi)

Nate is dedicated, loving, and entertaining. He loves to make people laugh. He especially loves football, and enjoys other sports as well. He enjoys training and competing in triathlons. He is extremely hard working, and he is a great provider for our family. Although Nate looks like a big tough guy, he is a giant teddy bear. Nate loves family traditions, and he cherishes spending time with our family during the holidays. Every Christmas he dresses up as Santa Claus for our nieces and nephew! His version of Santa often times includes a southern accent! He has been my rock! He is supportive of everything I do! I’m one lucky girl, and I cannot wait to see what an amazing dad he will be!

About Kenzi (By Kenzi)

Where to start… I am a tomboy turned into a Salon and Spa Education Director. So to say I like a lot of different things is pretty accurate. I love being active and have always enjoyed sports; however at the same time I love make up, hair products, and clothes! I love camping and getting dirty, but enjoy getting my hair done and having freshly painted nails. With that said, all of the material things would mean nothing without my family and friends. I am extremely blessed to have the support system that I do. I love my family more than anything, I and cannot wait to share the same blessing with my children.

About Kenzi (By Nate)

Kenzi is hard working, determined, and passionate about everything she does. If she starts something she is going to finish it! Kenzi loves to spend her time walking and playing with our two dogs Bella and Bud, working out, and spending time with family. She loves holidays, birthdays, and any other reason or excuse to celebrate and have a good time. She loves surprises, but only when she’s the one who is doing the surprising! She loves music, and she can often be found dancing with the dogs! She’s is fun, loving, and is going to be a great mom!

We hope this has helped you get to know the two of us a little bit more. We know that although adoption is going to bring us so much joy that it is a difficult and complicated process. We cannot express enough gratitude to you for considering adoption. Thank you for taking the time to read a little bit about the two of us.

With much love and gratitude, Nate and Kenzi

Nate and Kenzi's Blog

Adoption profile on It's about love.org

Guest Blogger...."Twins" Elise Eggett Johnson

I am so happy to start off my Guest bloggers this week! 

Today meet Elise and her amazing sweet twins, Maia and JD.

Elise sister in laws are my best friends and Elise and I have become close like family. We often joke that our kids are cousins because we share the same fertility Dr. Even when I lived on the east coast and was in the dark days of my infertility journey, Elise would send me inspiring books that really helped me.  Some of those books have been borrowed by others and I hope the chain keeps going. 

Today is the second birthday of my IVF-ICSI twins. In the midst of the first year of multiples, I didn't know how I would survive - after eight days each baby at a different hospital (the NICU at one and the PICU at the other) and a close call on day five, we had six months of hit-and-miss sleep training with our son, and then our daughter's major spinal cord surgery on their six month birthday (because she was born with spina bifida) put us back even more when it came to getting consistent rest. But today, looking back, I can't believe how quickly it's gone and how fast they are growing up. I have a lot of great memories of the first year even though it was hard.

After being diagnosed with specific fertility issues that would make it difficult for us to conceive with out significant intervention, we decided to skip the baby steps and go straight to IVF-ICSI. The hormone treatments made me feel horrible both physically and emotionally, but I knew what the goal was and didn't mind whatever it took to get there. We were incredibly blessed to get pregnant - with twins to boot - on our first round. Throughout the difficulties of having newborn twins, having gone through infertility completely shifted my perspective. No matter what we went through with our twins when they were born, I believe I had a stronger appreciation for my newborns because of the patience, energy, physical demands of IVF, and money we had invested into them before they were even conceived.

The last six weeks of my pregnancy I suffered from a pregnancy-induced liver disorder called cholestasis that made my skin itch so badly I would daydream about scratching it with sandpaper or a wire brush until it disappeared. The condition was also threatening to the pregnancy, and I was not allowed to carry our babies past thirty-six weeks. During this time, I remembered the couple of years when I would tear up shopping for gifts for pregnant friends and buy ten pregnancy tests every time I was an hour late on my period - hoping, hoping, hoping for a positive - and the discomfort of my condition was bearable. 

Another perspective shift I had from our twins began when our daughter was less than five pounds. At only five days old, we almost lost her due to a bad reaction to a sedative she was given for an MRI to assess the severity of her spina bifida. When she was wheeled away for the MRI, she was healthy and happy, sucking on her blue hospital-issued pacifier and wrapped in a warm, soft blanket. The next time I saw her, several hours later, she was having seizures, on a ventilator, hooked up to all sorts of EKG wires, and not looking well at all. The tape from the ventilator covered most of her face so all I could see were her closed eyes. Because our son was still at the hospital I had given birth at, in the NICU, my husband was not there with me when I was first allowed to see my daughter post-MRI. It was one of the scariest and lonliest moments of my life. As I poured out my heart in prayer for my little girl, I felt a very profound, comforting peace like nothing I had felt before, and although I didn't know if she would live, I felt ok (even though I was still sad for her and scared). Something in that feeling left a very strong impression on me that I had known my daughter for much longer than the 8 months I had carried her, like somehow my soul knew her deeper than I could explain and we had chosen each other for this life. This experience set me on a journey that has brought me a deeper relationship with my Heavenly Father and testimony of his divine, eternal plan for families than I have ever before had.

Between the efforts we went to in order to conceive, the difficulties late in my pregnancy, and the experiences I had with my children during their first week of life, I have not been tempted to take my time with them for granted. Being woken up in the middle of the night, changing diaper blow-outs, and even now, entering a phase where stuff is getting broken and the house is never clean because two toddlers are kind of like two tornados; all it takes to stay calm is a quick memory of how badly I wanted children during our infertility struggles and how blessed we were to keep both of our precious babies especially with the struggles early-on.

The most difficult part of infertility to me is that it seems there are so many babies being born into this world unintentionally, and without a strong family intact for them to take part in. And I have been awakened to this world of married couples, with all the love and family and security a child could ever need, who even when they are as intentional as science will allow, are unable to conceive. It is hard to find reason or justice in that. I don't understand why so many people are struggling with these issues, but I do know there has been good in my life from the difficulties getting pregnant. Perhaps it can be narrowed down to simple economics - that which we have to work the hardest for, we value the most. Infertility also taught me that I can't control my universe, and helped me to really see that although I may impact much of my circumstance, I rely on God for everything I am given - my story only had one treatment with very happy results, but the experience still taught me a lot and changed the way I view my world.

To all those struggling with infertility, I would say keep focusing on what is good about your life. Don't get so caught up in what is missing that you forget to be grateful for what you have. Allow yourself to feel the disappointment of not having the baby you want, but try to find things in life that allow you to feel joy and hope as well. Feel free to tell others you don't want to talk about it! People can be nosy. Feel free to tell others you DO want to talk about it! Sometimes those who could help you the most are hesitant to bring it up unless you do first. Your journey may end up in a pregnancy, or may end up in a totally unconventional (but joyful) type of family that you never imagined. Try to be open to the ways you can be a mother even before you are pregnant or nurturing children through another means. Keep growing and hoping! There is a light at the end of the tunnel even on days it feels dark.

You can follow her journey with twins on her blog at: 

http://joshandmaia.blogspot.com/

National Infertility Awareness Week April 21-27, 2013

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It's already Tuesday of our awareness week but we are going to catch up big time!! 

I have reached out to most of my dear infertile friends to share their experience and any tips that can help you. Most of the time just reading these stories gives me hope and strength by numbers! I love these women and so many have touched my life through my struggles.
I hope you read their story with a sensitive heart. It is never easy talking about.
Thanks,
xoxo
Aubrey

HOPE

I heard on the news last night that they named the newest member of the Clydesdale family, HOPE. Today as I sit and think back on this past week and how I had so much hope. I was really thinking all these aches and pains were coming from something good, only to find out my period has come much much earlier then before. That's never a good sign. It only means my body is more confused.
I hope for  a lot of things....
and right now I hope our family will grow.

infertility after a baby

It never goes away.
I don't know how to continue on...their are so many mix emotions when I come back to this blog.
I want everyone to know every second of the day I am so grateful for my daughter and truly what a blessing she is to me and my husband, but their is the question of what my emotions will do the second time around?
To be honest, we knew we would never go on another birth control again, not because I think it's bad, or religious reason but because I don't think it does anything for my cycle. I like to say my body prevents pregnancy with or without birth control, so we do not use it.
After I had Brinley the question was "are we ready for a 2nd right now?"
I didn't know, but I did hear that your chances of getting pregnant shortly after birth was high. So for someone that doesn't get pregnant on their own I thought maybe this can be our chance! I can feel like I'm somewhat of a normal person. After waiting, of course, until the Dr. gave me the okay to even have sex, the first month when I got my period I was relived I wasn't expecting right way. Then the second month came and I was flooded with all the heartache again. All those feelings I felt when we were trying before came back. They are all still there, but this time I run and hold my baby girl and tears start streaming down my face, and I count my blessings. The 3rd month of trying I decided to count days and do everything we can to conceive again, and still there is no luck.
So we have talked about a plan about when we will go back to see our amazing Dr and hope to see the day of baby #2 soon!!
Until that day happens I will be back here sharing my ups and downs and the hard times we go through as women that struggle with me. I pray for so many of you, and want the best for you!!!

My heart breaks...what can I do?

So tonight I reconnected with some old good friends and was very shocked to say the least that many of them are struggling with starting a family. I felt a rush of emotions, and can't believe as I'm getting ready to welcome our little miracle baby that they were all still searching for answers. You never know what stage someone is in when they say they are struggling with infertility. Have they sought with their dr? Have they started test? Have they seen a specialist? or are they saving up for the biggest expensive of making a baby?
I'm always offering my Dr's info to anyone. I was so happy when 2 friends did this for me. It made me realized I was ready to make the next step. It's hard to go from trying and not succeeding to working with Dr's and using savings to find answers.
After hearing of so many friends and family going through this I though I need to do whatever I can right now. The best I can do is have a prayer a day for these couples I know. I will be praying for you by name that you may find answers and be able to have the family you want.

How do we find Joy?

It was exactly a year ago that I left DC for a much needed pick me up vacation. It was dead of winter and we had just passed our year mark of TTC.
Exactly a year later I was sitting at church during a lesson on how do we find Joy?
A rush of emotions came back to me.
Remember when I was depressed? Remember when I couldn't see the light? Remember when my boss came up to me and said I hadn't been looking well and acting like myself and asked if I needed sometime off? (oh what  a blessing that was)



Here are some things to ask you about yourself?

• What do you see in the mirror?
• Is the girl you see in the mirror happy? Why?
• Is the girl you see the girl you want to be?
• What do you like most about the girl you see?
• What would you like to change about the girl you see?
• What are the talents and blessings of the girl you see?
• What do you want for the girl you see?
  
  As I sat during this lesson I remember thinking to myself, how did I find any joy during my trail? I know I wasn't perfect...but I know the only time I felt comfort was studying the words of the Lord. It was scripture time, Ensign time, any talk from the Prophet or other church leaders. I tried to give up my self and serve. service is the best medicine....not easy to do I know but get out and service. Find happiness in serving others. I think of all that have to go through struggles and pray for you, but my heart aches for the women and men in general that try to find it on their own happiness....or deny the powers of God and Priesthood.
  This month of February think of how you can make more of your Joy...increase it as much as possible is my challenge to you!