Today I believe it!

It's better that I do two post in one night because this post deserves a post all on its own!
Since I started opening up to my husband about my lack of faith that we are actually one day going to be pregnant, he has always had strong faith telling me he knows that one day we will be pregnant (or at least I will, but he will help contribute).
I struggled with this every time he said this. It really really bothered me. I always felt like we didn't know if we even could. Our test did not show that is was possible yet, but then again..they never show that it was impossible.
Something inside me (nope, not a baby) has made me to believe that I will be pregnant soon. Which  is funny because a few months ago when people say "oh, I'm so sorry, you know you're going to be pregnant soon." I would have that feeling of "how do you know?" and want to punch them because I was angry. Yesterday someone said this to me, and I felt like telling them "oh I know...I'm getting so excited for when it does happen and looking forward to it."
wow
a huge difference I have felt.
I know and look forward getting pregnant soon. I believe now that it will happen.

Also,
true story, my friend has been dealing with infertility for 2 years now and next month she was going to go in for her first IUI, and guess what? she just found out she is pregnant!
Talk about beating the odds.
Now, I'm sure I'll have a different story, but I will have a "what did it take to get pregnant" story.

start a blog

Everyone needs to start a blog.
I have a friend going through a very difficult trial with her newborn now and it just happens to be the same trial my cousin faced just a year ago. Only this friend is blogging about it and I heard my cousin say that she wished she would have done that.
Also I have had a few people share their infertility struggle with me and say they kept in all the emotions that you are all reading about me go through.
Whatever we are going through, it's best to yell it out because people actually stop acting like they are perfect and share their struggles with you that actually make you feel closer and bond more as sisters and brothers.

My Goal

I have been away from writing for a while now because I don't want to jinx it. I had a goal for a long time to just find happiness during my trial. I searched high and low to find how I can still be myself too. I struggled for a long time with this.
I feel like I started this blog to vent my angry. Every time someone announced they were pregnant I was a very unhappy person to be around. My poor husband took the  just of most of it.   For the majority of pregnant ladies out there I'm not comfortable being around or talking to because it always leads to babies, but I now have 2 friends who have struggled with me with infertility that are now pregnant. I love talking with them and supporting them.  I have felt like I have reached my goal.... being happy in my trial, and being myself again.
I don't know when the turning point was, I think it was a slow processes. I know coming closer to my Heavenly Father and relying on his help and strength has done a great difference. I had seen my friend struggle with her infertility for over 2 years and decided to blame God and put a wedge between her and her husband. I knew she needed more help than we could give each other. Thankfully she sought out professional help and some time ago started doing the things she knew she needed to do. She has gotten pregnant now and that is a whole, huge miracle by itself.

We had family in town last weekend and I was watching a new show "Quints by Surprise" and that's when my mom said that she thinks that is going to be her next trial in life. That I will do IVF and have many many multiples and she will be my helper. I had never thought about that before and don't know how our family will come to be, but whatever way we have our family....naturally, meds, drs. adoption... we will one day have a huge family and that is what I focus my goal on now. Become a person I need to be.
We are still hoping for our family here and doing all we can.

Pregnant in Heels

Have you heard about it?
I'm a bravo junky. I like the housewives, hairshows and all. When I heard about this new one that started back in febuary, I was going through the hardest part of infertility. I was struggling big time with my happiness. Since then, I have had an extra strength to help me not hate these beautiful and wonderful women that are becoming mom's. I started watching it some time ago. Here and there. I wouldn't tape it and I wanted to only see them when I was having a good day.
Today hasn't been a good day but I've been at home all day dealing with other trials that have blown up in our faces last night. So I decided to watch one episode. It was really good. And that is also when I found out the women in charge of the show and maternity clothing line is also going through infertility and undergoing IVF. I became very humbled. Sometimes I struggle just at my work with one pregnant co-worker and another is a mom, but I can't imagine all your clients being pregnant hormonal ladies needing her help and going through the normal infertility struggles, really?
My eyes have been opened more. She recently lost a pregnancy due to an Ectopic pregnancy .
She took a day off and went back to work, and even starting shots again for IVF, I guess you could call her my hero, because I took off a week and layed in the sun feeling sorry for myself and still dragged my feet when I came back to reality. anyways, I now have a new show I love because it's not all about flowers and pregnant ladies, it's real women who have or have not struggle to get where they are and still sometimes not happy.  Seening Mrs. Rosie do her thing for all the pregnant ladies out there really make me excited to be excited for my friends. I cant wait to one day through my best friends baby showers.
Check out more of my new hero, Rosie here
and something fun to do...take the Mommy IQ (weather you are trying, pregnant now, or just had a baby)
and for dreamers...check out her amazing clothing line that is so beautiful I'd be afraid to leave the house...actually I'll have no place to go looking that doll up.

Great new books for infertility

As I was watching the Today show this morning they had a new Book that they were sharing.
At this time over 6 million Americans are struggling with infertility.
You can go online and find hundreds of books written to help women coupe with infertility, but this is one of the first of it's kind.
A book to help the husband with supporting and understand what his wife is going through during infertility times.
It's called, " What He can expect when she is not expecting"
I think this will be a great book for my husband to realize why I am crazy.

Also I bought this new book on desert bookstore.
"Infertility : Help, Hope and Healing"
I'm very excited to read from an LDS stand point.

I love the mail these days. A friends of mine just recently went through what I'm starting to go through. She was able to get pregnant through IVF and had their little ones. She mailed me some great books that I'm reading also, starting with Hannah's hope.
Thanks E.

No more sour Aubrey

I have given up with complaining. My life is my life and no two people have the same life. While I wish some things in my life were different, I'm sure you could say the same thing.
Yes, we all have good days and bad one, sometime in our life we will go through such a trial that will test all of us. It will take every prayer, every moment to not give up and throw our life away. So what I'm struggling with having kids. My life will turn out how I decide. I know that, now figuring out what I want in life during this time I'm not a stay at home mom will be my next challenge, but I'm done complaining. I still may bottle up inside my green envy to every pregnant friend or friend with kids... I'm sorry. Just give me time to adjust more to this jealously and envy.
I love you all!

Coach purse? Big house ? Nice cars?

It doesn't mean a thing to me anymore. I have grown up with more then what I really needed. I had a very blessed life. When I got married I had a hard adjustment to a new simpler life style. Then I realized one day, I can work for my nice things.
I don't know when this happened but it did. I realized that with wanting these things in life I would never fill that emptyness of not being pregnant or having kids to teach and raise. I write often in my written journal about how I would give it all up just to the the opportunity to have a family.( we still are in the unknown if we can or can't have our own kids). I think my life has been forever change because of this. Women that have had children don't love their children less at all then me. I just don't need anything anymore.

My 3 wishes

My husband and I had a real good heat to heart at midnight in our car tonight. I can't explain it all right now but he was trying to help calm me down. He said what are the 3 things you really wish for right now, and I just want to share wish #1 with you because most people that go through inferitlity feel this was and no one knows.
1. I wish I could feel like my old self again.
I am such a sad, bitter, angry, hateful, broken person inside. The only people that see this side of me is my husband and good friend who are going this same but different infertility struggles. I hate that I really to hate others that are pregnant. Mostly I can't be around them because I am so emotional about not being pregnant that I avoid the situation at all coat. Joe and I hate it when another pregnancy is announce on facebook, heck I'm so depress sometimes that I hate it when anyone announce any time of pregnancy.
I hate myself the most for having these emotions and I feel like I need to see a good shrink for all my hatred. It's not good for me and not good for my body.
Why do some people have to get pregnant with no trouble at all and why do some struggle for years and years?
I don't know
But I am learning a lot about others feelings.
I feel more compassion for those that go through trial. For anyone reading this, please know this blog is my vent. It's part of what calms me down and helps me be the kind of person I can be again when I write this all down and try to move on day by day. Also for anyone that comes across this struggling with infertility problems or just a darn hard trial in life, it's okay to struggle and voice about it.

Over heard conversation

I do that a lot because of my job setting. And the number one topic in the salon now is babies. With one stylist just had a baby last summer and one is due this October, and then theirs Aubrey that can't have any that have wanted so many since I was 5 (probably because my sister was born and I feel into mommies helper). I just get so frustrated that I have to be trapped in this setting.  I hesitate to go to a salon when we move just to be torched again. When we get back we will start more testing. I wish we could skip to adoption already but for one you have to have infertility test done before starting the adoption process. Well, that's my venting for the day.

so much hope, my heart can burst

Every month I have this feeling,
if I pray harder, cry more, hope more....then maybe I'll be pregnant.
Although I will never stop doing those things that can't actually make my wish come true.
Sometimes I put all my hope into one day
and then I get disappointed. In the end, I have so much to be grateful full.
During this Easter time, I will spend more time being grateful for the knowledge I have of living again with God and for sure I will have children then!!!
Can't wait for Eternity!

A hard night

Have you ever cried so hard that you can't breath
you take a deep breath and gasp for air.

I'm feeling that pain all over right now. I can't talk to anyone I  just want to cry it all out. My husband is out of town for the weekend so I'm hoping my dog can take care of me during this hard time.
I called my mom because I found out another family member is pregnant. She was trying to help saying I will be happy for her, but I know I can't.
I feel bad, but I have this huge trial I am going through.
My whole life all I have wanted to do is be a mom.  I still remember my kindergarten teacher told me I can't just be a mom, and was mad that was all I wanted to do. "get married, have 7 kids and live in Irvine, CA (the only city I knew of).
I felt like I've had patience. I got my schooling done, I went on a mission, I got married and now we can't have kids?? (or at least have not had the opportunity in the last 15 months)
I am heart broken for the moment, I know this feeling can't last.
For the time being we have stopped all test because we are moving and I don't want to start up everything with the clinic out here and not be able to continue in CA.
All I can do is focus on life ahead, and pray that someday soon I will be a mom.

This will not be the last trial I will go through here, but right now it's the hardest one and it's killing me inside. It's breaking me down.

Dreams

I don't have dreams often, or at least I don't remember them.
Last night though, I had a dream that I was pregnant. I just remember smiling and rubbing my tummy.
Good dream like that make me keep pushing forward. Knowing that one day I'll be a mom, either through the natural way or others...this dream makes it real that I don't have to be so depressed.

A blessing in the mail

I've been meaning to right about last weeks tender mercy.
When I was a missionary it was very easy to have tender mercies often. So often I wondered how bless I was to see the Lords hand in my everyday life.
Well, life caught up to me and I haven't stop to see the tender mercies in my life today.
It's very easy to get down, just look at everything you don't have, focus on any faults....the easy way for me is to jump on facebook and blogs and see everyone posting and updating about good news and happiness in their life.
It's hard to live in the time with technology used for good and evil. Think of the Pioneers...could you imagine if they had a facebook status. Man, the people in Missouri would have a hard time hearing about all the hardships they would have to overcome to reach to Utah. Would some not go because they know what is ahead of them?
They lived for the moment and they lived to follow the Prophet who followed the Lord.
The weekend we will hear from our wonderful Prophet and I have more faith in him to follow any promptings of the spirit in what I need to do to follow the Lord.
back to my tender mercy.
I knew I was going to have a slow day at work, so right before I left I grabbed the Ensign that came the day before. I knew if I was going to be sitting around I should read some up-lifting material. (I have some downers in the salon and can be very mean to others, I can't stand the cussing anymore!)
I sat in the kitchen/breakroom and starting reading, after the first message I started just skipping to more eye catching stories.
Their on page 25, a message called " Faith and infertility"
I thought, no way...Heavenly Father is really wanting me to know he hears and is answering my prayers. I started turning to the spiritual side of things during this trial but I felt like I didn't find much on this topic. Just hearing about others struggling with starting a family makes you part of a bond. It's different then anything else I felt, no I take that back. It felt like a bond you have with people that served in your mission. Only they know what it was like to serve in the Missouri Independence Mission. The ups and the downs, good and bad. It's like that bond. These couples know what my husband first hand go through and feel each and every days.
This was my great tender mercy, and I know this will help me through another day, another week.

back to my new cycle...

I feel like I am getting there...
Acceptance
not that I'm accepting that I can't or wont be pregnant.
But that I've done almost all I can right now and leaving it in the Lords hands.
As I've stated that this day came with a monthly visit.
As I sat at work just long enough to hear my happy co-work exciting to share her new baby news with each and new client of the day I tried to hold back the anger and bitterness.
I left early because I wasn't feeling well. I came home and picked up my book, "If life were easy, it wouldn't be hard" by Sheri Dew.
She talked about leaving behind your baggage. It is different then having burdens, baggage is something we take and carry ourself because we do not want to let go, ex: Worry, jealousy, guilty, unforgiving heart, anger, regret and pride are all baggage.
I'm trying to learn to give up my baggage and be HAPPY!
I can and I will go through this trial Happy. I may have sad days and I may not go to a baby shower for a long time, but I have so much more to be thankful for and need to focus on the good in my life.
The baby...the kids will happen in my life.
However we get there we will be parents, but...
ps. I whenever I see someone else pregnant I often think I hope they know how lucky their are. I would give anything to be in their shoes.

It's been awhile,
You ask... Pregnant?
Nope, not yet
Just been focus on other things.
We have gotten the mr. All tested and although he was a bit worried, everything came out normal (blood work and all)
I've been tested out very normal too (blood work and ultra-sounds)
The thing that's I think has made a difference in my body is my new prenatal I take.
I started a new one two months ago an I love them. No more tuming aches! And I feel them work to make my body better.
I have alway felt I had very low iron and always could tell around my period when I couldn't stand and feel ver faint. These have definately helped!
They are trader joes brand of prenatals. Love them!
Also I've been reading a new book that was recommended called taking charge of your fertility. It's been very helpful.