I am very grateful for all the support I've been getting from everyone.
Thank You
Today I was at the Dr. and I couldn't help but be a happy smiley person.
I checked in and chatted with the lady about my nail polish and was so happy and everything she helped me with I said (very enthusiastic) "Thank You"
Man, I saw a lot of old people walking around. I guess it was the middle of the day and well...someday we will all be old and broken and need more dr. help.
The best was actually getting blood work and the big black man with tattoos on his arm was chatting with a co-worker about when they are going paint balling. As I listened I giggled and got up saying "Thank You" and "see you in a few days"
I am Thankful for these people, and I'm Thankful for others helping me along our way during this time.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
I've been adjusting
Well, as we all go through in life the Ups and Downs, I have pondered what should I and shouldn't share. I loved having this blog in the beginning to vent all my anger (as I still sometimes do), but now we are getting to a bigger chapter in life. We are now on the path I like to call Professional Baby-Makers!
Whoo hoo.
It's so hard to get to that point, emotional, financially, physically, just about every way.
I always knew when we moved out to CA we would make the big jump from just test and ob/gyn to an RE. What I likes to call the "Big Guns"
I was so emotional drained when I went in last week to visit my new Ob/gyn. I felt like everything I said went in one ear and out the other and she just did her normal routine. Even when I told her my last Pap was sep, she wanted to do another. (oh the joys)
I came home and cried and cried. My mom came in to see me (we are living with them for the time being and maybe forever depending on everything). I didn't even have the words to speak..."I hate ob/gyn's".
My dr. simple stated that I was young and had time on my side and that I should go back to what I was doing to get pregnant and hopefully see her soon, pregnant. (roll the eyes)
wouldn't we like that all lady!
I felt so hopefully when I found out I was not alone on this ob/gyn feeling. I set out to meet "the Big Guns" (my RE, infertility specialist).
A great recommendation later, and I was shocked when I was able to get an consultation for a week later. (online everyone talks about waiting a month for this Dr, his success rates are so high he is sought after)
Well, without going into to much detail on this very open and public blog (in person I'm an open book about infertility, well, kind of....I have read not to disclosed when I go under procedures).
My husband and I meet with him recently and are so excited.
mr. dr. was concern with certain issues I was having (very short cycles) and wanted to help us solve this!
:) :)
Since leaving D.C. we left a few test we have to complete and in the next few months will be on our way. For documenting purposes I will blog as soon as I can BUT make sure it doesn't go public for 3 months out...so you will be able to follow along our process.
Tip for the day: ob/gyn says to keep my husband out of spas/ hot showers 5 days around ovulation.
Mr. Big Guns says it actually takes 80-90 days without spa to have good health sperm. Therefore....no more hot tubs!
Whoo hoo.
It's so hard to get to that point, emotional, financially, physically, just about every way.
I always knew when we moved out to CA we would make the big jump from just test and ob/gyn to an RE. What I likes to call the "Big Guns"
I was so emotional drained when I went in last week to visit my new Ob/gyn. I felt like everything I said went in one ear and out the other and she just did her normal routine. Even when I told her my last Pap was sep, she wanted to do another. (oh the joys)
I came home and cried and cried. My mom came in to see me (we are living with them for the time being and maybe forever depending on everything). I didn't even have the words to speak..."I hate ob/gyn's".
My dr. simple stated that I was young and had time on my side and that I should go back to what I was doing to get pregnant and hopefully see her soon, pregnant. (roll the eyes)
wouldn't we like that all lady!
I felt so hopefully when I found out I was not alone on this ob/gyn feeling. I set out to meet "the Big Guns" (my RE, infertility specialist).
A great recommendation later, and I was shocked when I was able to get an consultation for a week later. (online everyone talks about waiting a month for this Dr, his success rates are so high he is sought after)
Well, without going into to much detail on this very open and public blog (in person I'm an open book about infertility, well, kind of....I have read not to disclosed when I go under procedures).
My husband and I meet with him recently and are so excited.
mr. dr. was concern with certain issues I was having (very short cycles) and wanted to help us solve this!
:) :)
Since leaving D.C. we left a few test we have to complete and in the next few months will be on our way. For documenting purposes I will blog as soon as I can BUT make sure it doesn't go public for 3 months out...so you will be able to follow along our process.
Tip for the day: ob/gyn says to keep my husband out of spas/ hot showers 5 days around ovulation.
Mr. Big Guns says it actually takes 80-90 days without spa to have good health sperm. Therefore....no more hot tubs!
Thursday, June 23, 2011
It saddens me
Some things in life are easy to do even when the situation is not liked.
For instance,
Work...
most of Americans find it hard to get up some mornings and go to work, but we do it because we have to.
I have recently come across more situations that I remove myself from not because I don't want to do it, but because I feel like I can not be a normal person.
This post is on baby showers!
They should be the most exciting time leading up to the birth of the baby.
They are all so well put together and pictures are just so darn cute! People are so creative and crafty and I'm so glad they share the pictures with us to copy.
I just can't bring myself yet to go to any. I did promise one friend that I will be there when she got pregnant(after a 2 year long wait) and guess what? She's pregnant now and I couldn't be more excited for her. But for everyone else who doesn't feel my loss and pain and I can not come.
And I'm sorry.
For instance,
Work...
most of Americans find it hard to get up some mornings and go to work, but we do it because we have to.
I have recently come across more situations that I remove myself from not because I don't want to do it, but because I feel like I can not be a normal person.
This post is on baby showers!
They should be the most exciting time leading up to the birth of the baby.
They are all so well put together and pictures are just so darn cute! People are so creative and crafty and I'm so glad they share the pictures with us to copy.
I just can't bring myself yet to go to any. I did promise one friend that I will be there when she got pregnant(after a 2 year long wait) and guess what? She's pregnant now and I couldn't be more excited for her. But for everyone else who doesn't feel my loss and pain and I can not come.
And I'm sorry.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Today I believe it!
It's better that I do two post in one night because this post deserves a post all on its own!
Since I started opening up to my husband about my lack of faith that we are actually one day going to be pregnant, he has always had strong faith telling me he knows that one day we will be pregnant (or at least I will, but he will help contribute).
I struggled with this every time he said this. It really really bothered me. I always felt like we didn't know if we even could. Our test did not show that is was possible yet, but then again..they never show that it was impossible.
Something inside me (nope, not a baby) has made me to believe that I will be pregnant soon. Which is funny because a few months ago when people say "oh, I'm so sorry, you know you're going to be pregnant soon." I would have that feeling of "how do you know?" and want to punch them because I was angry. Yesterday someone said this to me, and I felt like telling them "oh I know...I'm getting so excited for when it does happen and looking forward to it."
wow
a huge difference I have felt.
I know and look forward getting pregnant soon. I believe now that it will happen.
Also,
true story, my friend has been dealing with infertility for 2 years now and next month she was going to go in for her first IUI, and guess what? she just found out she is pregnant!
Talk about beating the odds.
Now, I'm sure I'll have a different story, but I will have a "what did it take to get pregnant" story.
Since I started opening up to my husband about my lack of faith that we are actually one day going to be pregnant, he has always had strong faith telling me he knows that one day we will be pregnant (or at least I will, but he will help contribute).
I struggled with this every time he said this. It really really bothered me. I always felt like we didn't know if we even could. Our test did not show that is was possible yet, but then again..they never show that it was impossible.
Something inside me (nope, not a baby) has made me to believe that I will be pregnant soon. Which is funny because a few months ago when people say "oh, I'm so sorry, you know you're going to be pregnant soon." I would have that feeling of "how do you know?" and want to punch them because I was angry. Yesterday someone said this to me, and I felt like telling them "oh I know...I'm getting so excited for when it does happen and looking forward to it."
wow
a huge difference I have felt.
I know and look forward getting pregnant soon. I believe now that it will happen.
Also,
true story, my friend has been dealing with infertility for 2 years now and next month she was going to go in for her first IUI, and guess what? she just found out she is pregnant!
Talk about beating the odds.
Now, I'm sure I'll have a different story, but I will have a "what did it take to get pregnant" story.
start a blog
Everyone needs to start a blog.
I have a friend going through a very difficult trial with her newborn now and it just happens to be the same trial my cousin faced just a year ago. Only this friend is blogging about it and I heard my cousin say that she wished she would have done that.
Also I have had a few people share their infertility struggle with me and say they kept in all the emotions that you are all reading about me go through.
Whatever we are going through, it's best to yell it out because people actually stop acting like they are perfect and share their struggles with you that actually make you feel closer and bond more as sisters and brothers.
I have a friend going through a very difficult trial with her newborn now and it just happens to be the same trial my cousin faced just a year ago. Only this friend is blogging about it and I heard my cousin say that she wished she would have done that.
Also I have had a few people share their infertility struggle with me and say they kept in all the emotions that you are all reading about me go through.
Whatever we are going through, it's best to yell it out because people actually stop acting like they are perfect and share their struggles with you that actually make you feel closer and bond more as sisters and brothers.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
My Goal
I have been away from writing for a while now because I don't want to jinx it. I had a goal for a long time to just find happiness during my trial. I searched high and low to find how I can still be myself too. I struggled for a long time with this.
I feel like I started this blog to vent my angry. Every time someone announced they were pregnant I was a very unhappy person to be around. My poor husband took the just of most of it. For the majority of pregnant ladies out there I'm not comfortable being around or talking to because it always leads to babies, but I now have 2 friends who have struggled with me with infertility that are now pregnant. I love talking with them and supporting them. I have felt like I have reached my goal.... being happy in my trial, and being myself again.
I don't know when the turning point was, I think it was a slow processes. I know coming closer to my Heavenly Father and relying on his help and strength has done a great difference. I had seen my friend struggle with her infertility for over 2 years and decided to blame God and put a wedge between her and her husband. I knew she needed more help than we could give each other. Thankfully she sought out professional help and some time ago started doing the things she knew she needed to do. She has gotten pregnant now and that is a whole, huge miracle by itself.
We had family in town last weekend and I was watching a new show "Quints by Surprise" and that's when my mom said that she thinks that is going to be her next trial in life. That I will do IVF and have many many multiples and she will be my helper. I had never thought about that before and don't know how our family will come to be, but whatever way we have our family....naturally, meds, drs. adoption... we will one day have a huge family and that is what I focus my goal on now. Become a person I need to be.
We are still hoping for our family here and doing all we can.
I feel like I started this blog to vent my angry. Every time someone announced they were pregnant I was a very unhappy person to be around. My poor husband took the just of most of it. For the majority of pregnant ladies out there I'm not comfortable being around or talking to because it always leads to babies, but I now have 2 friends who have struggled with me with infertility that are now pregnant. I love talking with them and supporting them. I have felt like I have reached my goal.... being happy in my trial, and being myself again.
I don't know when the turning point was, I think it was a slow processes. I know coming closer to my Heavenly Father and relying on his help and strength has done a great difference. I had seen my friend struggle with her infertility for over 2 years and decided to blame God and put a wedge between her and her husband. I knew she needed more help than we could give each other. Thankfully she sought out professional help and some time ago started doing the things she knew she needed to do. She has gotten pregnant now and that is a whole, huge miracle by itself.
We had family in town last weekend and I was watching a new show "Quints by Surprise" and that's when my mom said that she thinks that is going to be her next trial in life. That I will do IVF and have many many multiples and she will be my helper. I had never thought about that before and don't know how our family will come to be, but whatever way we have our family....naturally, meds, drs. adoption... we will one day have a huge family and that is what I focus my goal on now. Become a person I need to be.
We are still hoping for our family here and doing all we can.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Pregnant in Heels
Have you heard about it?
I'm a bravo junky. I like the housewives, hairshows and all. When I heard about this new one that started back in febuary, I was going through the hardest part of infertility. I was struggling big time with my happiness. Since then, I have had an extra strength to help me not hate these beautiful and wonderful women that are becoming mom's. I started watching it some time ago. Here and there. I wouldn't tape it and I wanted to only see them when I was having a good day.
Today hasn't been a good day but I've been at home all day dealing with other trials that have blown up in our faces last night. So I decided to watch one episode. It was really good. And that is also when I found out the women in charge of the show and maternity clothing line is also going through infertility and undergoing IVF. I became very humbled. Sometimes I struggle just at my work with one pregnant co-worker and another is a mom, but I can't imagine all your clients being pregnant hormonal ladies needing her help and going through the normal infertility struggles, really?
My eyes have been opened more. She recently lost a pregnancy due to an Ectopic pregnancy .
She took a day off and went back to work, and even starting shots again for IVF, I guess you could call her my hero, because I took off a week and layed in the sun feeling sorry for myself and still dragged my feet when I came back to reality. anyways, I now have a new show I love because it's not all about flowers and pregnant ladies, it's real women who have or have not struggle to get where they are and still sometimes not happy. Seening Mrs. Rosie do her thing for all the pregnant ladies out there really make me excited to be excited for my friends. I cant wait to one day through my best friends baby showers.
Check out more of my new hero, Rosie here
and something fun to do...take the Mommy IQ (weather you are trying, pregnant now, or just had a baby)
and for dreamers...check out her amazing clothing line that is so beautiful I'd be afraid to leave the house...actually I'll have no place to go looking that doll up.
I'm a bravo junky. I like the housewives, hairshows and all. When I heard about this new one that started back in febuary, I was going through the hardest part of infertility. I was struggling big time with my happiness. Since then, I have had an extra strength to help me not hate these beautiful and wonderful women that are becoming mom's. I started watching it some time ago. Here and there. I wouldn't tape it and I wanted to only see them when I was having a good day.
Today hasn't been a good day but I've been at home all day dealing with other trials that have blown up in our faces last night. So I decided to watch one episode. It was really good. And that is also when I found out the women in charge of the show and maternity clothing line is also going through infertility and undergoing IVF. I became very humbled. Sometimes I struggle just at my work with one pregnant co-worker and another is a mom, but I can't imagine all your clients being pregnant hormonal ladies needing her help and going through the normal infertility struggles, really?
My eyes have been opened more. She recently lost a pregnancy due to an Ectopic pregnancy .
She took a day off and went back to work, and even starting shots again for IVF, I guess you could call her my hero, because I took off a week and layed in the sun feeling sorry for myself and still dragged my feet when I came back to reality. anyways, I now have a new show I love because it's not all about flowers and pregnant ladies, it's real women who have or have not struggle to get where they are and still sometimes not happy. Seening Mrs. Rosie do her thing for all the pregnant ladies out there really make me excited to be excited for my friends. I cant wait to one day through my best friends baby showers.
Check out more of my new hero, Rosie here
and something fun to do...take the Mommy IQ (weather you are trying, pregnant now, or just had a baby)
and for dreamers...check out her amazing clothing line that is so beautiful I'd be afraid to leave the house...actually I'll have no place to go looking that doll up.
Great new books for infertility
As I was watching the Today show this morning they had a new Book that they were sharing.
At this time over 6 million Americans are struggling with infertility.
You can go online and find hundreds of books written to help women coupe with infertility, but this is one of the first of it's kind.
A book to help the husband with supporting and understand what his wife is going through during infertility times.
It's called, " What He can expect when she is not expecting"
I think this will be a great book for my husband to realize why I am crazy.
Also I bought this new book on desert bookstore.
"Infertility : Help, Hope and Healing"
I'm very excited to read from an LDS stand point.
I love the mail these days. A friends of mine just recently went through what I'm starting to go through. She was able to get pregnant through IVF and had their little ones. She mailed me some great books that I'm reading also, starting with Hannah's hope.
Thanks E.
At this time over 6 million Americans are struggling with infertility.
You can go online and find hundreds of books written to help women coupe with infertility, but this is one of the first of it's kind.
A book to help the husband with supporting and understand what his wife is going through during infertility times.
It's called, " What He can expect when she is not expecting"
I think this will be a great book for my husband to realize why I am crazy.
Also I bought this new book on desert bookstore.
"Infertility : Help, Hope and Healing"
I'm very excited to read from an LDS stand point.
I love the mail these days. A friends of mine just recently went through what I'm starting to go through. She was able to get pregnant through IVF and had their little ones. She mailed me some great books that I'm reading also, starting with Hannah's hope.
Thanks E.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
No more sour Aubrey
I have given up with complaining. My life is my life and no two people have the same life. While I wish some things in my life were different, I'm sure you could say the same thing.
Yes, we all have good days and bad one, sometime in our life we will go through such a trial that will test all of us. It will take every prayer, every moment to not give up and throw our life away. So what I'm struggling with having kids. My life will turn out how I decide. I know that, now figuring out what I want in life during this time I'm not a stay at home mom will be my next challenge, but I'm done complaining. I still may bottle up inside my green envy to every pregnant friend or friend with kids... I'm sorry. Just give me time to adjust more to this jealously and envy.
I love you all!
Yes, we all have good days and bad one, sometime in our life we will go through such a trial that will test all of us. It will take every prayer, every moment to not give up and throw our life away. So what I'm struggling with having kids. My life will turn out how I decide. I know that, now figuring out what I want in life during this time I'm not a stay at home mom will be my next challenge, but I'm done complaining. I still may bottle up inside my green envy to every pregnant friend or friend with kids... I'm sorry. Just give me time to adjust more to this jealously and envy.
I love you all!
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Coach purse? Big house ? Nice cars?
It doesn't mean a thing to me anymore. I have grown up with more then what I really needed. I had a very blessed life. When I got married I had a hard adjustment to a new simpler life style. Then I realized one day, I can work for my nice things.
I don't know when this happened but it did. I realized that with wanting these things in life I would never fill that emptyness of not being pregnant or having kids to teach and raise. I write often in my written journal about how I would give it all up just to the the opportunity to have a family.( we still are in the unknown if we can or can't have our own kids). I think my life has been forever change because of this. Women that have had children don't love their children less at all then me. I just don't need anything anymore.
I don't know when this happened but it did. I realized that with wanting these things in life I would never fill that emptyness of not being pregnant or having kids to teach and raise. I write often in my written journal about how I would give it all up just to the the opportunity to have a family.( we still are in the unknown if we can or can't have our own kids). I think my life has been forever change because of this. Women that have had children don't love their children less at all then me. I just don't need anything anymore.
My 3 wishes
My husband and I had a real good heat to heart at midnight in our car tonight. I can't explain it all right now but he was trying to help calm me down. He said what are the 3 things you really wish for right now, and I just want to share wish #1 with you because most people that go through inferitlity feel this was and no one knows.
1. I wish I could feel like my old self again.
I am such a sad, bitter, angry, hateful, broken person inside. The only people that see this side of me is my husband and good friend who are going this same but different infertility struggles. I hate that I really to hate others that are pregnant. Mostly I can't be around them because I am so emotional about not being pregnant that I avoid the situation at all coat. Joe and I hate it when another pregnancy is announce on facebook, heck I'm so depress sometimes that I hate it when anyone announce any time of pregnancy.
I hate myself the most for having these emotions and I feel like I need to see a good shrink for all my hatred. It's not good for me and not good for my body.
Why do some people have to get pregnant with no trouble at all and why do some struggle for years and years?
I don't know
But I am learning a lot about others feelings.
I feel more compassion for those that go through trial. For anyone reading this, please know this blog is my vent. It's part of what calms me down and helps me be the kind of person I can be again when I write this all down and try to move on day by day. Also for anyone that comes across this struggling with infertility problems or just a darn hard trial in life, it's okay to struggle and voice about it.
1. I wish I could feel like my old self again.
I am such a sad, bitter, angry, hateful, broken person inside. The only people that see this side of me is my husband and good friend who are going this same but different infertility struggles. I hate that I really to hate others that are pregnant. Mostly I can't be around them because I am so emotional about not being pregnant that I avoid the situation at all coat. Joe and I hate it when another pregnancy is announce on facebook, heck I'm so depress sometimes that I hate it when anyone announce any time of pregnancy.
I hate myself the most for having these emotions and I feel like I need to see a good shrink for all my hatred. It's not good for me and not good for my body.
Why do some people have to get pregnant with no trouble at all and why do some struggle for years and years?
I don't know
But I am learning a lot about others feelings.
I feel more compassion for those that go through trial. For anyone reading this, please know this blog is my vent. It's part of what calms me down and helps me be the kind of person I can be again when I write this all down and try to move on day by day. Also for anyone that comes across this struggling with infertility problems or just a darn hard trial in life, it's okay to struggle and voice about it.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Over heard conversation
I do that a lot because of my job setting. And the number one topic in the salon now is babies. With one stylist just had a baby last summer and one is due this October, and then theirs Aubrey that can't have any that have wanted so many since I was 5 (probably because my sister was born and I feel into mommies helper). I just get so frustrated that I have to be trapped in this setting. I hesitate to go to a salon when we move just to be torched again. When we get back we will start more testing. I wish we could skip to adoption already but for one you have to have infertility test done before starting the adoption process. Well, that's my venting for the day.
Friday, April 22, 2011
so much hope, my heart can burst
Every month I have this feeling,
if I pray harder, cry more, hope more....then maybe I'll be pregnant.
Although I will never stop doing those things that can't actually make my wish come true.
Sometimes I put all my hope into one day
and then I get disappointed. In the end, I have so much to be grateful full.
During this Easter time, I will spend more time being grateful for the knowledge I have of living again with God and for sure I will have children then!!!
Can't wait for Eternity!
if I pray harder, cry more, hope more....then maybe I'll be pregnant.
Although I will never stop doing those things that can't actually make my wish come true.
Sometimes I put all my hope into one day
and then I get disappointed. In the end, I have so much to be grateful full.
During this Easter time, I will spend more time being grateful for the knowledge I have of living again with God and for sure I will have children then!!!
Can't wait for Eternity!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
A hard night
Have you ever cried so hard that you can't breath
you take a deep breath and gasp for air.
I'm feeling that pain all over right now. I can't talk to anyone I just want to cry it all out. My husband is out of town for the weekend so I'm hoping my dog can take care of me during this hard time.
I called my mom because I found out another family member is pregnant. She was trying to help saying I will be happy for her, but I know I can't.
I feel bad, but I have this huge trial I am going through.
My whole life all I have wanted to do is be a mom. I still remember my kindergarten teacher told me I can't just be a mom, and was mad that was all I wanted to do. "get married, have 7 kids and live in Irvine, CA (the only city I knew of).
I felt like I've had patience. I got my schooling done, I went on a mission, I got married and now we can't have kids?? (or at least have not had the opportunity in the last 15 months)
I am heart broken for the moment, I know this feeling can't last.
For the time being we have stopped all test because we are moving and I don't want to start up everything with the clinic out here and not be able to continue in CA.
All I can do is focus on life ahead, and pray that someday soon I will be a mom.
This will not be the last trial I will go through here, but right now it's the hardest one and it's killing me inside. It's breaking me down.
you take a deep breath and gasp for air.
I'm feeling that pain all over right now. I can't talk to anyone I just want to cry it all out. My husband is out of town for the weekend so I'm hoping my dog can take care of me during this hard time.
I called my mom because I found out another family member is pregnant. She was trying to help saying I will be happy for her, but I know I can't.
I feel bad, but I have this huge trial I am going through.
My whole life all I have wanted to do is be a mom. I still remember my kindergarten teacher told me I can't just be a mom, and was mad that was all I wanted to do. "get married, have 7 kids and live in Irvine, CA (the only city I knew of).
I felt like I've had patience. I got my schooling done, I went on a mission, I got married and now we can't have kids?? (or at least have not had the opportunity in the last 15 months)
I am heart broken for the moment, I know this feeling can't last.
For the time being we have stopped all test because we are moving and I don't want to start up everything with the clinic out here and not be able to continue in CA.
All I can do is focus on life ahead, and pray that someday soon I will be a mom.
This will not be the last trial I will go through here, but right now it's the hardest one and it's killing me inside. It's breaking me down.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Dreams
I don't have dreams often, or at least I don't remember them.
Last night though, I had a dream that I was pregnant. I just remember smiling and rubbing my tummy.
Good dream like that make me keep pushing forward. Knowing that one day I'll be a mom, either through the natural way or others...this dream makes it real that I don't have to be so depressed.
Last night though, I had a dream that I was pregnant. I just remember smiling and rubbing my tummy.
Good dream like that make me keep pushing forward. Knowing that one day I'll be a mom, either through the natural way or others...this dream makes it real that I don't have to be so depressed.
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