My NEW cycle

No, not my period cycle, but my new cycle in my life.
Shock, Denial, Anger and Guilt, Despair and Depression, and finally acceptance.


I first dealt with Shock on Sep. 30, 2010-
After 10 months of wanting to get pregnant without trying I felt like this was the first real shock in my life that it was going to be harder then I thought and schedule a dr. appt. to make sure my labs looked good and to go ahead and start trying and using OPK to help out chances.
I remember being on the phone with 2 different friends, telling them I would find out soon if I was pregnant, but that I truly felt all the symptoms and I convinced myself that I already was pregnant. I even got every app for my smart phone to track my pregnancy. This is also the first time I broke down to my mom. Just crying like a little girl. I couldn't stop I felt like I lost something that I didn't even have.

Denial-
Around November I remember I went behind my husbands back and bought a whole bunch of pregnancy test and took them starting 6 days before my missed period and even after. I read so much about still being pregnant and having a period. It even happened to my mother-in-law so I thought for sure that was going to happen to me. I even test in between my periods thinking I mistaken something or had a bad batch of test. I kept thinking every pain or movement in me was a beginning of a pregnancy.

Anger-
oh, this still goes on....every time I see a pregnant lady, see a baby, or anything close to reminding me that "hey, aubrey you aren't pregnant!!" I push everyone out of my life that is going through this. I have more then just anger towards people that get pregnant on accident or 1st try. I know it's not them coming after me or rubbing it in my face, but I seriously have issues when I see this...I do the unthinkable and wish them the worst morning sickness or ugly baby...you name it. I feel like if I'm not going to have a baby they should feel all this sadness I have. For this reason I feel like counseling was for me, because I know deep down inside this is not right.

Gulit-
I feel like I have let my husband down, and my oh so excited to be grandparents down.

Despair and Depression-
This one hits home for me. Since I've hit my year mark this january of not being able to get pregnant I have felt nothing but depression. Depression is a weird thing, I grow through phases, trying to be invisible to faking it and then hiding in my home. A few months ago I got so depressed that my boss sent me home...literally home to california to see my family and try to get as much CA sunshine as possible. It was a good week, but I came back and I still had to deal with my depression and not being pregnant.

Acceptance-


I haven't hit acceptance yet....we are still waiting for my husband to take his big test and go from there...until then we are healthy, wealthy, and wise.