A blessing in the mail

I've been meaning to right about last weeks tender mercy.
When I was a missionary it was very easy to have tender mercies often. So often I wondered how bless I was to see the Lords hand in my everyday life.
Well, life caught up to me and I haven't stop to see the tender mercies in my life today.
It's very easy to get down, just look at everything you don't have, focus on any faults....the easy way for me is to jump on facebook and blogs and see everyone posting and updating about good news and happiness in their life.
It's hard to live in the time with technology used for good and evil. Think of the Pioneers...could you imagine if they had a facebook status. Man, the people in Missouri would have a hard time hearing about all the hardships they would have to overcome to reach to Utah. Would some not go because they know what is ahead of them?
They lived for the moment and they lived to follow the Prophet who followed the Lord.
The weekend we will hear from our wonderful Prophet and I have more faith in him to follow any promptings of the spirit in what I need to do to follow the Lord.
back to my tender mercy.
I knew I was going to have a slow day at work, so right before I left I grabbed the Ensign that came the day before. I knew if I was going to be sitting around I should read some up-lifting material. (I have some downers in the salon and can be very mean to others, I can't stand the cussing anymore!)
I sat in the kitchen/breakroom and starting reading, after the first message I started just skipping to more eye catching stories.
Their on page 25, a message called " Faith and infertility"
I thought, no way...Heavenly Father is really wanting me to know he hears and is answering my prayers. I started turning to the spiritual side of things during this trial but I felt like I didn't find much on this topic. Just hearing about others struggling with starting a family makes you part of a bond. It's different then anything else I felt, no I take that back. It felt like a bond you have with people that served in your mission. Only they know what it was like to serve in the Missouri Independence Mission. The ups and the downs, good and bad. It's like that bond. These couples know what my husband first hand go through and feel each and every days.
This was my great tender mercy, and I know this will help me through another day, another week.

back to my new cycle...

I feel like I am getting there...
Acceptance
not that I'm accepting that I can't or wont be pregnant.
But that I've done almost all I can right now and leaving it in the Lords hands.
As I've stated that this day came with a monthly visit.
As I sat at work just long enough to hear my happy co-work exciting to share her new baby news with each and new client of the day I tried to hold back the anger and bitterness.
I left early because I wasn't feeling well. I came home and picked up my book, "If life were easy, it wouldn't be hard" by Sheri Dew.
She talked about leaving behind your baggage. It is different then having burdens, baggage is something we take and carry ourself because we do not want to let go, ex: Worry, jealousy, guilty, unforgiving heart, anger, regret and pride are all baggage.
I'm trying to learn to give up my baggage and be HAPPY!
I can and I will go through this trial Happy. I may have sad days and I may not go to a baby shower for a long time, but I have so much more to be thankful for and need to focus on the good in my life.
The baby...the kids will happen in my life.
However we get there we will be parents, but...
ps. I whenever I see someone else pregnant I often think I hope they know how lucky their are. I would give anything to be in their shoes.

It's been awhile,
You ask... Pregnant?
Nope, not yet
Just been focus on other things.
We have gotten the mr. All tested and although he was a bit worried, everything came out normal (blood work and all)
I've been tested out very normal too (blood work and ultra-sounds)
The thing that's I think has made a difference in my body is my new prenatal I take.
I started a new one two months ago an I love them. No more tuming aches! And I feel them work to make my body better.
I have alway felt I had very low iron and always could tell around my period when I couldn't stand and feel ver faint. These have definately helped!
They are trader joes brand of prenatals. Love them!
Also I've been reading a new book that was recommended called taking charge of your fertility. It's been very helpful.

just normal

We got results back from our test earlier this week. well, my dr. didn't find anything wrong there, it was all normal.
Perfect....
not really...
I hate having test and test. The more test you do and the more normal you are the more frustrating you get. I've always considered myself normal, so why am I jumping through more hoops?
I'm stuck now...what is my next move going to be?
more test? take a break?
Actually all it takes is another period and I'm right back on my e-mail (yes, my dr and I email often) asking her to sign me up for the next test.
But, this next one is going to equal the amount of money we have already put in all my other test combined! ahhh...nope not IVF (yet) It's going to take us a  lot more time to come up with that money, and we are still considered young and normal to not go there yet.
Can you blame me I have already "educated" myself into adopting, in case we go down that road.
Be prepared, right?
I still believe we are going to get pregnant this year. Possible because my husband thinks I'm so negative about this situation that I need to start just being 150% positive to stay happy.
on the positive note: my husband is on spring break and I've been able to sleep in with him every morning :)

more test coming our way....good or bad??

We have more test coming up next week. Although I get excited, I really get nervous too. I always want good news and bad news.
So let me share with you some good news and bad news that happened today.
I found out someone I know is pregnant after using IVF!!! (somehow I connect with these people because you know they know the struggle with month after month of trying.

What is Faith??

I woke up yesterday morning in a great mood.
I can't remember this morning though.
I was driving home from work and thinking about picking up our dog, champ and going into the city to take him on a walk until Joe finished baseball stuff.
Right as I was walking in the door Joe called to say he was done. This frustrated me.
My mood right then changed.
Over the next hour I had a sour mood.
I always seem to blame everything on not being able to get pregnant so therefor life sucks and I'm at the cycle now to notice it.
We have not been medically diagnosed yet with infertility issues.
but we have not gotten pregnant in 14 months...and if you really want to go into detail, I have my period on average of 25 days so I have about 14 periods a year....fabulous I know.

oh, back to my mood.

I went to watch my mormon message to get some spiritual uplift for the moment and watched this beauty.

I love it when the guy said, talking about the story of Lot and his wife " she probably didn't give it any consideration that her future could be better then her past."
and when they talk about the power to change and the lady says "anyone has the power to leave the past behind and move forward."
"THAT IS WHAT FAITH IS!!"
"live for it, live for the future"

all of these saying that were said hit me at this time. I need to not dwell on the past months and look forward to what the future holds. kids...someday will be here! and when that time comes I don't want to be a weakling.

a change of heart

"Hope you know, we had a hard time"
I'm trying to find more comfort, I thought about maybe meeting with my bishop, or therapy or a support group. Instead I reached down to my mail and starting going through it. I saw a desert book store magazine,  never before have we gotten one of these. As I opened it and looked at all the great book I wish I could read I saw a new dvd called mormon messages. So I googled it and found a whole bunch on Youtube and mormon.com I started watching them and felt so much closer to the spirit and a bit of comfort.
Then I saw one titled" Hope you know, we had a hard time"
Just wish I could tell everyone that.
It's not something I would announce on facebook but I did think about it because I feel so isolated.

It brought tears to my eyes....I just knew I felt my Saviors love.
Today is Ash Wednesday and we talked a little about it at work and I thought, I need to take the time and study the life of the Savior during this amazing special time. I'm working on it.
Whatever comes our way next week will find peace in the gospel and I am so grateful for that.

I HATE life and I'm going to vent!!!

This morning my very thoughtful husband tried to break the news to me the best way possible.
Granted you never know what you will get when you tell me something. He tried to make sure I was in a good mood and that I was strong. well, I guess not because you don't sit at the metro station crying  for no reason.
Yep,
2 more friends of our are pregnant.
No worries thats just 2 more people I don't have to hang out with and pretend life is a bowl of cherries. Joe tried to reasure me and tell me we are just a week away from finding out more testing my dr. is doing.
ohhh, exciting huh? more testing! oh please, I want to me picked at.
I know I can't hate every pregnant friend, but guess what I'm in my cycle and I'm angry and can hate them right now.
I told Joe, that I was excited we could be the only friends with the black babies. but then again I've always wanted to adopt deaf children because of my sign language ability and with Joe's Spanish maybe we will do a little of both.
Who knows?
He asked me before I left for work to look him in the eyes while he told me don't worry we will have kids of our own.
I wanted to say the same thing every other person tries to tell me
and how do you know that for sure?????
but I let it slide because I didn't have enough sick days to start crying again and stay home "sick".....sick of other peoples pregnancies.
UGH!!!
what new hobby can I pick up now?

My NEW cycle

No, not my period cycle, but my new cycle in my life.
Shock, Denial, Anger and Guilt, Despair and Depression, and finally acceptance.


I first dealt with Shock on Sep. 30, 2010-
After 10 months of wanting to get pregnant without trying I felt like this was the first real shock in my life that it was going to be harder then I thought and schedule a dr. appt. to make sure my labs looked good and to go ahead and start trying and using OPK to help out chances.
I remember being on the phone with 2 different friends, telling them I would find out soon if I was pregnant, but that I truly felt all the symptoms and I convinced myself that I already was pregnant. I even got every app for my smart phone to track my pregnancy. This is also the first time I broke down to my mom. Just crying like a little girl. I couldn't stop I felt like I lost something that I didn't even have.

Denial-
Around November I remember I went behind my husbands back and bought a whole bunch of pregnancy test and took them starting 6 days before my missed period and even after. I read so much about still being pregnant and having a period. It even happened to my mother-in-law so I thought for sure that was going to happen to me. I even test in between my periods thinking I mistaken something or had a bad batch of test. I kept thinking every pain or movement in me was a beginning of a pregnancy.

Anger-
oh, this still goes on....every time I see a pregnant lady, see a baby, or anything close to reminding me that "hey, aubrey you aren't pregnant!!" I push everyone out of my life that is going through this. I have more then just anger towards people that get pregnant on accident or 1st try. I know it's not them coming after me or rubbing it in my face, but I seriously have issues when I see this...I do the unthinkable and wish them the worst morning sickness or ugly baby...you name it. I feel like if I'm not going to have a baby they should feel all this sadness I have. For this reason I feel like counseling was for me, because I know deep down inside this is not right.

Gulit-
I feel like I have let my husband down, and my oh so excited to be grandparents down.

Despair and Depression-
This one hits home for me. Since I've hit my year mark this january of not being able to get pregnant I have felt nothing but depression. Depression is a weird thing, I grow through phases, trying to be invisible to faking it and then hiding in my home. A few months ago I got so depressed that my boss sent me home...literally home to california to see my family and try to get as much CA sunshine as possible. It was a good week, but I came back and I still had to deal with my depression and not being pregnant.

Acceptance-


I haven't hit acceptance yet....we are still waiting for my husband to take his big test and go from there...until then we are healthy, wealthy, and wise.

Someone to count on

I find it hard to talk to anyone about infertility because people don't feel your emotional pain. What they do and say just feels like a pat on the back and a " dont worry it will happen"
How the heck do you know?
You don't
So stop giving me false hope because I give it to myself every single time I pee on a stick and see one line.
Yep that's me.
The one line girl.
Unless you pee on a stick for one year a few time- a dozen times a month with the feeling of failure every time you don't know what I feel.
The only thing NEW that you could tell me is why I am not pregnant yet and then could you please info my dr who have worked so hard to find

Life sucks, I mean I love living and I love my family and husband and dog but life sucks when you don't get what you want.
I'm back to the why me? What's wrong with us? Why can't we have babies??

A good day

I really had a good day. I wasn't busy at work and I didn't break down wanting to run on the spot. I had a chance to talk more with my prego co worker and felt like I'm back to myself and being truly happy for her.
I know this is all because of my faith in the lord, Jesus Christ has been strengthen through scripture study and prayer and many blessings.
It's been one good day, with the faith and hope of many more to come.

The Rules

taken from a blog friend. She gets the writing credit. Her blog

I appreciate your support and comments. Please read these rules before participating:

Don't Tell Me to Relax
By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

Don't Minimize the Problem
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?Different people react to different life experiences in different ways.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say We Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone could say is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why We Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
IVF is Expensive with Low Odds
IVF is Physically Taxing
IVF Raises Ethical Issues

Don't Offer Unsolicited Opinions If/When We Try IVF
On the flip side of the coin, don't offer unsolicited advice to your friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make, for all of the reasons outlined above.

Don't Play Doctor
Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose, and reading an article or book on infertility will not make you an "expert" on the subject. Let your friends work with their doctor to diagnose and treat the problem. Your friends probably already know more about the causes and solutions of infertility than you will ever know.

Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you. The fact that she is willing to be a part of this time in your life, despite her pain, speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Me Like I Am Ignorant
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About My Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Don't Push Adoption, Foster Care, or any other option
The couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption/foster care decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

more fertility talk

I want to share a great article I read today on people.com

Nicole Kidman shares her struggle with having kids and without going into details she said something that just hit me hard,

"Anyone that's been in the place of wanting another child or wanting a child knows the disappointment, the pain and the loss that you go through trying and struggling with fertility,"

amen, Nicole. see full article here

I had a great client yesterday that was so excited to share her news with me that her husband and her are starting ivf next month. It was the first talk we had with each other about starting our families. I was so excited for her because I knew what she felt.

I shared with her my wonderful mom's thoughts when I thought I lost all hope because of so much disappointment.

At the end of the day I have to remind myself just because I'm not getting pregnant now does not eliminate my dreams of becoming a mom. I will do all I can to one day hold a baby in my arms and call them my child. I just have to come to realize this will be a moment of time in my life that will test my faith and hope.

Ugh

I had to stop making myself so upset. I deleted our blog and signed off of facebook. Until I can learn to be happy for others and not get so upset I have banned myself. It's pure torture and this time in my life.  I have been so happy not knowing what everyone else is doing. When you are going through a trial or struggle in life the last thing you want to see is everyone else happy or having what you don't have. Like BABIES... Everytime I signed on someone else was announcing they are expecting. While month after month now we have dealt with failure, well at least failure to me. More like disappointment. Losing hope. Losing the end picture of becoming a family.
The hardest part of all of this is no one that has gone through this pain can even come close to know how to comfort.